decisions

decisions are best made with thought?

with a prayer?

with instincts?

with a flip of a coin?

i haven't figured out how best to make major decisions other than what makes sense

when something makes sense

even if it doesn't seem feasible or realistic

if in the bigger picture of my life it will help me reach an ultimate goal i will do it

sometimes you have to take what may seem like two steps back to take that giant leap forward

i have an opportunity to take steps that would seem like steps back (I would take a pay cut, not a cut in grade but the cost of living here is lower) so that i could gain the skills and knowledge needed to go forward

well its not in my hands any more

i have made my intentions known that i will stay here and whatever happens happens

Le BOOM

YES!

this song is on repeat as i sit in my living room

just chilling....doing nothing at all

my hair in pen curls, my clothes ironed for tomorrow, my shake fixed, my fruit washed and fixed...

i had my soup and now i'll eat my salad

i just sat and watch a crazy video with JD, Kevin Hart, Nelly, Tammy (basketball wives) , Bobby Brown and Nick Cannon...YES random, ridiculous and HALARIOUS

As much as i miss home i am enjoying my experience here in AL

they keep hinting that i could stay here, the other guy will have to go to Iraq for a year...the ONLY way i would do a year here is if HIM and lil him could come and bring my DOG and my truck....otherwise NO and definitely NO if they aren't paying for my living expenses as it is now...i still gotta pay a mortgage and bills at home so negative

i must say i like being in a field office much better than the main office...different work and definitely a different vibe

the work is different and i enjoy it...i haven't really taken to many full weekends i normally work one day, i'll be working this friday as well...(my work week is sun-thurs)...

being here gives me time to breathe and rest up a little bit

there are talks of marriage and with those talks comes a lotof work...getting a job, renting out my house, buying a new house, oh plan a wedding and get married

we were going on a cruise this year, but that has been pushed back

definitely interesting

as much as i have always wanted to be married and i do love him and my mini him..i am afraid of the work that a marriage brings and the fact that i won't have just me to be responsible...i'll have a family that i am responsible for....that's deep

heck i just got me under control, well kinda

HA

i don't do much on the weekends here, hell i be tired especially with working like i did yesterday 10 hours! then my sinuses haven't given me a rest here! and i need new glasses...i think he headaches will slow down when i get those because looking at a computer all day can definitely do something to your eyes that's for sure...

LD relationships are hard, but bearable when you see the person every or at least every other weekend...not seeing him for a month is a bit much actually it will be 5 pretty much 6 weeks before he comes down next weekend...

such is life

he is amazingly supportive but in the same breathe he gets on my ever lasting nerve

*shrugs* i am sure i get on his nerves equally

can we say "pre-marital counseling for $500 Alex" lol

ok...well thought i would check...

southern belle

well not exactly

but currently i am residing in Mobile, AL until the end of July...we all know that my daddy was diagnosed with prostate cancer and right after his diagnosis there was a temporary position that was also an AWESOME opportunity for me professionally was posted...

so I applied, called and did an self imposed impromptu interview and got it...

welll I wasn't scheduled to come until this Monday, June 6th, however, as with most things in life, nothing ever goes as we plan...sooooo i had to come Monday, May 23rd....oh did i mention the week before I had to leave i had to go away for 3 days for business so that didn't leave much time to pack but i took the advice of one of my girls and packed for 20 days instead of trying to be overwhelmed with packing for 60 days...

so three suitcases ($185 later, thanks DELTA) i got down here

my apartment (which i had to find myself) is AWESOME! fully furnished top floor, DELUX because i have a loft with a full size washer and dryer and its OH so peaceful

its been an adjustment i miss home, i miss my dog, even my brother...of course i miss him and lil him...but it was definitely needed

BECAUSE i drive to work daily 20 minutes TOPS with the so-called traffic! I would be stuck on that funky metro right now if i was home

its quiet, its just me...sometimes you need that, sometimes as a person, a woman especially you can get so lost in everything and everyone else around you, so its good to just get back to ME

i am sick right now so i won't be traveling the three hours this weekend to see the folks but i'll definitely be going up next weekend

i think all of the stress of the last 6 months, the up and down the back and forth and everything has finally caught up with me so i'll just be chillin doing much of nothing this weekend

definitely going to try to get into the working out and things this week, i have been here two weeks so only 6 left time to try to get it cracking...hopefully if i get up on rest i'll be good to go...

oh did i say that i am living by shops, a movie theater, restaurants, 30 minutes from the beach and the outlets!

sheeesh don't tell nobody but i kinda like Mobile, ALABAMA

....sitting

that's what i am doing right now

sitting in the Jackson airport waiting on my plane to arrive so i can depart the dirty dirty...which by the way isn't that dirty at all

in fact its extremely clean and peaceful

the weather has been perfect, no humidity, sunshine, clean skies and a breeze, unlike what i hear is going on in the DMV right now....its been raining and raining and raining...

i didn't see any signs of the flooding but the taxi cab driver (a local) stated that the river is going to hit the crest point today...and a couple of the small towns will be affected by it

sad, its really sad that smaller towns (peoples homes, businesses, schools) will be sacrificed to spear larger cities...pretty much what they did in Katrina when they let the ninth ward flood to spear the downtown area....iamjustsaying

so the former governor had a child outside of his marriage and we learn today that the child was born only 4 days apart from his youngest son with his wife? really dude? so how much taking care of your child did you have to do to keep her quite all those years, including during the elections, because dirt ALWAYS comes out! so clearly the lil boy didn't know that you were his daddy because that would've come out, kids slip they can't keep secrets...furthermore, how sad for those children...people are so selfish

i have said it before and i'll say it again,

the opposite of love isn't hate it's SELFISHNESS period!

i saw my folks on tuesday they looked GREAT! I mean really really great...they were fussing as always and they are just too funny for words

the most classic thing was him holding the GPS and repeating EVERYTHING that the thing said to my mother...it talks she can hear it but he felt the need to say it i am sitting here smiling at it because it was soooo funny

"PC the thing said you about to turn right, you better get over, PC the thing sad turn right"

i'll be a temporary resident down here, well not here, but down south in 4 days...i am missing a few parties, some cookouts, some bridal showers, graduations, i mean a ton of events but you know the trade off isn't much...you gotta make sacrifices that's life and in order for me to be able to see my daddy and take him to his treatments, to be around them pretty much every weekend the ability to do "dinner and a movie" or "mani/pedi and lunch" with my mommy, to be able to see them as often as possible right now is what is most important

PLUS add to the fact that its a temp position for work which will help me when i decide to transfer

WINNING

i have been studying various religions lately, not because i am converting, but i need to understand things, i need to not be ignorant to why people believe what they believe and thus do what they do...

so in the hotel there was the Bible and the book of Mormon so i started reading that last night, i don't get it...i am reading about Islam and that i get a little more, now i am trying to understand how a religion based on living life as the prophet in peace is violent...but not...its all interpretation, all religions, its an interpretation of whatever book, bible you decide to read and decide that you believe in...the thing that i found interesting was that the prophet acknowledged the Christians and the Jews (who teased the Arabs by the way as being cut out of God's plan) its just interesting...

knowledge is a circle, you give, you receive...i like learning and understanding just because it helps you stand firmer in your own personal beliefs...

whatever you believe in, just respect others for what they believe in...that's how i feel about that...

i know from whom i derived and i understand walking in his image is what we should all strive to do...

i think that's what i am going to be doing while i am gone, i am going to focus on myself, my personal relationship with HIM and me....get my mind right, get my body right, get my spirit right...

i am nervous about leaving for various reasons...but i am at peace about it

stand tall and smile

that's what i am going to do right now

just stand

what do the old folk say at times like these "when it rains it pours"

well they aint never lied

everything always seems to hit you at once

and what do you have to do in the midst of it all

you have to STAND
you have to SMILE

that's what you have to do

i can't not go to work, i can't hide under a rock, i can't run away from it all and just sit in my room in my bed, with cakes and cookies until it all goes away (i have said before i am an emotional eater *shrugs*)

i will say this though at times like this when everything is coming from every which a way...i realize that i am more like my momma then not

when i say that woman is like IT to me...

she is IT
spiritual
strong
sweet
supportive
sassy

all that and i know that i'll never be like HER but if i can be like half of her...man oh man still ahead of the game

i have shed my tears about both situations and now i just want to keep it moving

not to say i won't have moments
not to say it won't be hard

but having conversations like the one with my daddy where he is in RARE form and has me cracking up laughing about how he is getting a Harley but won't come up off $250 so i can get my mom a Dyson vacum for her mother's day gift is just straight up CLASSIC to me, we always tend to talk the most trash to one another and when he's like that i know he's feeling well so that makes me smile

i have said all that i have and will say in terms of the other situation
disappointed
but lesson learned

one thing i have truly learned is that as a woman i will not make an excuses to anyone (male, female, momma, daddy, whoever) about my size, my hair, NOTHING

i know that there are things i can improve about my physical, but more importantly i want to keep learning and loving internally...

i may not be all that physically "beautiful"

but i am beautiful, in my own way, in my own skin...inside and OUT (because i am not bad looking at all)

i am beautiful

so i will smile and focus on finding my inner peace and joy, not happiness, not right now, happiness depends on happenings in your life its a thing that can come and go...i want joy and peace, something that's much deeper something that no matter will be there in my heart in my soul in ME and NO ONE and NOTHING can take those things away from you

plus i look so much better when i stand tall and smile

precious

"Ma what did you mean by Daddy needing a CT scan to determine if the cancer had spread"

"oh I didn't tell you, I thought I did, your father has prostate cancer"

and just like that i felt like my stomach had gone into me feet

i still haven't stopped shaking and i received the information over 24 hours ago but i can't stop shaking i have the shakes

my nerves are on edge and i can't shake it

plus they don't know enough information to me

what is the score of his diagnosis (meaning is he in the early intermediate or advanced stages)
what is the grade of his tumors

no answers!

i think she blacked out and he doesn't listen to the doctors anyway, that's his coping mechanism, he says if he doesn't know how bad it is then he can't worry himself

i told my mother its her job to just take care of him

I WILL TALK TO THE DOCTOR MYSELF

i will ask all of the questions, do all of the research, understand the options and tell them what i think they should do based on whatever the doctor tells me

i have booked my flight already and will be there for 4 nights at the end of May...its time to get answers and get to moving

my daddy turns 65 next month, that's YOUNG

he hasn't walked me down the isle yet
he hasn't given me away yet
we haven't had our first dance
he hasn't held my child
we haven't sat on the porch of my custom made home and just laughed and joked

there is still SO MANY THINGS that need to be done
so many more memories that need to be made

yes a lot of people survive prostate cancer, i get that but STOP telling me how this person and that person survived it

they aren't MY DAD that's just plain and simple they are NOT

he's already sick, already taking as much as he can just to fight the different issues he has now...if he wasn't as sick he is now, i would feel a little better about it, but the fact of the matter is he already takes almost 15 pills a DAY for his many conditions

now you may add some more medication, radiation, chemo, oh and let's not forget that he was in the hospital to get a biopsy on his kidneys yesterday when i called her out on the reason for the CT scan she gave me on Tuesday! so he also has issues with his kidneys not properly functioning...good news (if there such, but it really was) was that the cyst on his kidney wasn't cancerous so it hadn't spread as far as they can tell, but the CT scan oh and the bone scan he has to have on Monday will show if the cancer has spread or not

and all of this is happening and i am 14 hours away...

i can't see him
i can't hug him
i can't make him laugh by doing something silly or saying something off the wall

he sounds so weak

i keep trying to focus on work but i can't
physically i am here but otherwise i am not

this helpless feeling i have is eating me up

i can't fix it
i can't make him feel better
i can't help my mom

i can't

i CAN and will continue to PRAY and have faith that whatever GOD's will is for him, will be

i just don't want to see my daddy suffer, he doesn't deserve to suffer...i see now why he's always saying his back is hurting, he's always in pain

all i can do is pray and what will be will be

two more days....

and it would've made for a full month since i blogged

but since i haven't blogged in a while, i figured i should go ahead and make do

i really don't know what to blog about

seems i haven't been feeling much like myself lately

mainly because i suffer from chronic sinuitus and stay sick around this time of year...i know that seasonal allergies tend to bring anyone down and make them feel like they are dragging but with me its to the extreme...how about i finally do what i am supposed to do and take my allergy shot weekly so that i can get to maintenance and therefore won't need them any more

i find that i have been really quiet lately in general at work, at home, i don't talk that much to anyone anymore, not even my momma, those conversations are pretty short, i know pretty unbelievable

i don't know why, well yes i do, when i don't have anything really productive or positive to say, i tend to go into my shell, when i am feeling like there is way to much going on for me to handle i go into my shell

can i tell you a secret (i know right like the world wide web makes sense to tell a secret to) but i don't think i am really ready for this whole wife and mother thing.

there i said it!

its a LOT of work, maybe if we were in the same house it would be easier, but we aren't even in the same state, which makes for me living out of a suitcase and living in crazy times more often then not

this past weekend, on saturday i slept until 11am! i can't even start to remember when i have been able to sleep in, my body just doesn't allow for it, and always tend to get up by 9 at the latest but not this weekend, i was home and i slept got up went to the couch and slept some more...sunday i cleaned like a mad woman, washed clothes, just did things around the house and then i got so caught up in walmart i missed passover service...its literally been like 2, 2 1/2 months since i have been to walmart and really did shopping for myself and my house

i don't say this all to say that i mind, but it is a lot when you have someone or someoneS depending on you, its even more pressure when the other someone is a little toddler (is he even consider a toddler he's not quit 2)

and to add to the pressure, he looks like he could be my child...so now you have people thinking he is my son, that i am his mother (but his birth mother doesn't have the best reputation, so in no way shape or form do i want people thinking i am her!)

i think some people remember me from my previous years, and then others have never seen her so the probably just assume that i am her, and even my own momma says he looks like he could be mines, so that makes it hard because until all the court stuff is over, we can't really move forward, well we can, but he (the daddy) needs some closure on the situation

and i am sure being the sole provider for the little guy isn't what he thought he would have to deal with, and i try as best as i can to be supportive, but geesh it can really get hard

but then he says my name "T" or asks for me when i am gone or smiles at me or laughs when he hears my voice and it makes it all worth it

they both are my lil short men, and i love them dearly

but i gotta find the balance, why is it always so very very hard to find the balance?

i need to work out again, i need to take care of myself more

heck can i just go and have time for a mani/pedi

its like a long distance relationship on steroids because there is NO down time, or very little and then there is the whole other subject (which i don't even want to discuss) about being together for eva eva eva...which we need to make a decision about because who wants to have their heart broken again, not me NOR do i want to break lil lil man's heart

i have no clue what i am doing right now, i mean i know but i don't know, i love his dad, but is love enough? how much longer can i do long distance? i can't move anywhere without two things a ring and a job, he can't go anywhere because he is in school and needs to finish!

i guess or know rather that in situations like these this is where FAITH comes into play, because i clearly have NO answers!