clearly...knocked me down...

i got a lot on my mind right now...

"sometimes love comes around and it knocks you down, just get back up when it knocks you down..."

why can't i get back up?

that's the question...one minute i am fine and then the next here lately you are on my mind...should i reach out? send an email? i can't text i don't have the # in my phone (so i wouldn't get weak and reach out)

CLEARLY you haven't contacted me in the past what 7 months...although you contacted Dub...

why won't this feeling go the HELL away???!!!!

"...i was the class clown that always kept you laughing...we were never meant to be we just happened"

how can you go from spending all your time with someone and loving someone so hard so deep so fast to NOTHING...

"...i don't want to make the same mistakes and fall on my face again..."

i thought for sure this past time, this what was supposed to be the LAST time it was all going to be alright...he might not have seen it, but i opened up more to him than anyone ever...all that i had been through i thought he got it, understood it...my good, my bad, and my ugly...but i guess not...and again WHY CAN'T I BE DONE with HIM...i can't even get over the THOUGHT of HIM

why does at the time that i feel like i am over it all i come home alone and i feel it..

i remember him being here i remember his smile, his daughter's smile the laughter the joy that filled my heart that was my homie lover friend...

tight as the jeans i was rocking and as sweet to me as the strawberry shortcake i enjoy

that was him

but it didn't work out..

he said timing i had to much going on, my attitude his fear of marriage...

whatever the long list was it still lingers and i just wish it would go away and i didn't think about him, miss him or love him...

how can you still love someone that you haven't talked to, seen or anything in months?

but i guess when i said i would love him forever it was forever...i knew it would be though because i knew even then how much i loved him how much i was in love with him...

but it is what it is and eventually i'll get the hell back up because i am TC and i aint got

NO CHOICE but to get UP

the randomness....

my mind constantly goes around in circles...

sometimes i think i should still be on facebook, then i remember how crazy facebook got and why i am not on there

then i think i should tweet, i mean the stuff i see on a regular basis needs to be shared with the WORLD...

CLASSIC right...but seriously...i get why people tweet because you see so much all the time and you just want to share it with other people...but i guess that's what my blogging is for...

it amazes me the things that i say that sometimes affect people

for example, my co-worker has posted up at her cub something i said...

"i believe in the big bang theory...i just believe that GOD big banged it"

CLASSIC...i didn't even remember saying that until they reminded me...

i am listening to "strawberry letter" on Steve Harvey i don't know why but i really like morning talk radio....it really starts my day off right...

the last couple of weeks have been mad crazy business with work trainings and my girl now
Mrs. JJ getting married! i love young black folks finding love...she was absolutely BEAUTIFUL she glowed and so did he...they are totally and utterly IN love...but most importantly they are READY to be married

then i have been digging and digging and getting my spiritual questions in line because i have a bible study coming up with an Elder who just so happens to be a man that i really admire personally as a husband to a mentor of mines and a father of friends of mines so this is going to be interesting...

i want to go and see that movie "just wright" its always nice when the "average size" woman finds love...

did i tell you guys that i came to the realization that my life is WAY to busy and i have to much going on for me to even try to get to know someone...

i am just way to busy right now...

oh and i had yet another "deep" conversation with my mentor about my giving spirit...that i give and give and give but i don't let others give back so then sometimes it comes off like i do it just to get attention or something she said to that affect that it may seem that way...she said she knows that's not the case but that i don't say what it is that i need from folks...her sister was like its that i am very giving and that i allow people to come to me and i am always there but i am so self sufficient that i never allow people to give back and show love to me...

i think that's a valid assessment...

i asked my cousin about it, because she and i are very honest with one another about things...and she said that it wasn't a bad thing, that i am as she calls it "a closer" i see something that needs to be done and i just get it done and that we need more closers in this world but the issue is that i am so self sufficient that i don't let people love me or i don't let people know what i need (she said some other things to that she never shared before that she felt about me and that was nice as well)

so now i am determined to not only love myself more but allow myself to be open to LOVE from others...

i just have never been the type and because i have had my heart broken stomped on and thrown away, i have just learned to not rely on others for things and just learned to just take care of things myself because when you rely on people and they let you down you just learn to not let yourself feel that way again...

that feeling of being let down hurts

but here's another thing i am learning and processing or here is two things
1. what people think about you is not your business

meaning people are going to think what they think about what it is that you are doing or what your motives are, all you can do is the best you can and if you are doing things with the best intentions then that's all that matters

and

2. people are who they are and you just have to love them where they are

meaning that people are just that people they can't fulfill every need YOU have as a person because we all fall short you just have to really and fully see people and be okay with who they are and most of all be okay with who you are...

so 80 days until my 30th birthday i think i am going to try to blog as much as possible as i move towards that date...

i am eating better walking more just got some activities to do at my desk daily when you sit down all day you have to find little ways to work out...

i have a lot of other things going on in my mind like that Governor in AZ who is passing laws left and right that are affecting minorities her latest is doing away with what they call "ethnic studies" which includes Mexican American, Native American, and African American studies...

so yet again minority children are not allowed to learn about themselves...

another issue that is becoming near and dear to my heart is the issue of homelessness in this country...especially the nation's capital...

now granted there will always be some level of homelessness because there are just individuals who will prefer to live outside due to mental health conditions but the majority would love to have some sort of housing...THEN there is the issue of the housing that they could get which isn't even suitable for an animal! its ridiculous!!!!

anyways...

i think that's enough for now...

21....

i absolutely positively LOVE this song right here...

Green day ROCKS the HELL out of this song

90 days...

until my birthday...

well yesterday really, 90 whole days...i haven't been on the scale but i can definitely see the difference...i haven't been able to work out like i want but i have been walking at least 2 miles daily so that little bit and changing my eating habits the inches are coming off...

BUT its time to kick it up a notch, especially if i want to be down 30 before 30!

well i definitely started it off right last night...

ZOMBA, actually it was EXTREME ZOMBA....we did hip hop and salsa and maragay like SUPER SIZED for an hour and 10 minutes....

by 30 mins i was about to pass out...but my sweet little co-worker kept encourgaing me so i made it until the end and i can say i was really proud of myself...

and now i am more focused than ever!

i am going to keep up the good eating habits and walking more during the day...i mean i totally get now how walking an extra stop length daily can be so helpful or how taking extra time to walk in the evenings can help...

just including physical activity on a more consistant basis can totally help move you forward with just being healthy...

i am determined to keep investing in myself, physically, spiritually and emotionally...

starting off year 30 in my life feeling full and ready to take on the world is going to be AWESOME and i am finally feeling like myself again and i am ready!

I am SO ready

...honey

you so sweet...

i had a FANTABOLOUS weekend!!!!

first i snapped out on friday after work and got my hair braided...
yes i tried the natural bush because i need to walk and work out, but my hair isn't naturally curly and i am not a naturally able to do something with her hair kind of person...

straight, curly, permed or natural a sistah can NOT do hair...

some people think that everyone can do at least something with hair, i am NOT one of those people

even when i was your typical broke college student i saved money and got my hair done...

so anyways...i was like eyebrows done or not i look a mess i don't have any swag this must go!

so while on my way to get my truck washed i passed the shop in my neighborhood, i commenced to making a u turn and went in the spot...at 6:45 pm i was getting my hair did

and i had to get it done, saturday was the kiamsha youth presentation, my girls' ladies night out event, and sunday was a Christening

dude i had to much to do to be looking a HAM

the weekend was good...

i had a for real for real spa experience with a robe slippers champagne toast and a view of the entire harbor...spent a grip but it was worth it

we called ourselves being grown and we were, everyone needs to experience that peace and relaxation...i shall be at a "big people" spa on my birthday this year...yearly for what the past 4 years i have gone to a "day spa" for a massage but i am going to do a day at a Spa this year!

the ladies and i even got a suite down at the National Harbor, went to dinner went to watch the fight on U street and then we partied...

nothing major but MUCH needed mini get away right here in my own back yard...no one had a camera but we didn't need one the memories of laughing and joking...sitting outside having dinner, dancing and me almost falling over in my 4 inch wedges (clearly i don't go out and dance enough in my shoes SMH)

sunday the christening was AWESOME she did so well she is such a chill baby...she is her momma's child though so that's going to be amazing to watch

i hit the store got some food for the week

made some baked turkey wings...they were on the ONE! with some brown rice...

tonight ZOMBA with my co-workers i am looking forward to that...

oh here i am rambling per usual and i started to blog because i realized something

my vitamin D deficiency has been probably why i haven't been feeling my best...further more the RX that i got was probably D2 which is artificial and more toxic than D3 (which is in my new supplement-which i picked up because i no longer eat red meat or pork and i was told i needed a supplement because i would be lacking iron)

so the reason i was getting sick off of the soy and stuff was because they use D2 and not D3 and i was taking D2 so my body was just rejecting it all...

i wonder if i go back to soy what will happen if not i'll be going to rice milk or lactaid again...

but its just amazing the debate between D2 and D3 some say D2 is just as good as D3 others say D2 is toxic stay away others say you can take D2 but it won't supplement for what is needed from D3...

its just a whole bunch of stuff...but i have settled on a supplement that isn't making me sick from taking it and i am hoping that it will help balance my body out...ya dig...

so i had a SWEET weekend and i am looking forward to many things...including doing NOTHING for the most part this weekend coming...well once i get past May 7 and the morning of May 8 (my nephew has a poem to recite :)

after that i am going to be one incognegro that's for sure...

peace people

window seat....

...i just want a chance to fly, a chance to cry...

i definitely love that song...sad thing is for the second time in a row i'll miss ms. badu...last summer it was because i went to see my folks and this time it'll be because i am going to the town that likes things slow, screwed and chopped...houston, tx...

i can't WAIT!

i am going to be on that plane like dude can i get a window seat...i am so ready to get away from DC...

ironically though as much as i need a break i am finding myself falling in love with the city..

i have been doing a lot of walking around the city in the mornings, after work, during the day when i have to go somewhere i find myself walking miles at a time instead of jumping on the train...

so despite my up and down of moods here lately i have found that little things really make me smile, here are a few:

walking downtown with a clear blue sky above me and crisp morning air listening to "chilln" by wale

the pureness of a babies smile and laughter...

a friendly nod or smile from a random stranger

a man giving up his seat on the train for a young mother and her children

a loving couple holding hands just taking there time and enjoying life...love makes me smile

seeing my brother feel good about himself

a young son and his father...little boys adore their daddies...

seeing a young family, the kids, the parents, loving each other and just doing well...

having a co-worker about to ratify a contract on a condo for her and her husband the last day of the tax credit

thinking about the massage i will be getting tomorrow and just CHILLIN after a VERY long week

the thought of getting my eyebrows done

a hot cup of tea

seeing my nephew get baptized and the things he says like for example, "you don't want to go to hell the devil lives there" and him saying this to KIDS in his class at school and when they tell him that hell is a bad word his response is, "NO, hell is a bad place and you don't want to go there!" biblical doctrine aside of it being right or wrong, the fact that he is so convicted at a young age to do the right thing makes my heart full with joy!

hearing my mother laugh and picturing the smile on her face

the fact that my mother and my nephews pictures hang in my cubical at work and i look at those faces daily to keep me motivated...my mother's picture is important because the two that hang are from her retiring from the same organization that i now work...

the fact that i have some really GREAT girlfriend/sistahs in my life that really love me...

having two young women wanting me to be apart of their special days this year...seeing them have the love that they deserve makes me smile

i am sure that i could keep going on but sometimes you got to take time and just smile at the little things...

i found my smile again....

you can find a smile again....i found my smile again....YOU can find a smile again...

and i KNOW its because i can finally put my finger on what is wrong with me...

drum roll please

I MISS MY PARENTS!

see when they left last year on june 18th...i was in a relationship i was leaving that next week for Florida and then when i came back i was moving...i moved i had my birthday i flew to see them i had a wedding and then i left for training i left training went straight to work then it was the holidays (that was rough) but then i was concentrating on buying the house...

and then nothing...

so the initial shock of them leaving didn't really set in until what like 9/10 months later...

it wasn't until jac asked me the other day a series of questions that i hit me that i missed them as much as i really do

see my family is LOUD and CRAZY...we curse we yell we argue we are all over the place but no matter what and i do mean no matter WHAT...

we love each other we support each other we are honest but we don't judge each other we are like truly LOVING of and on each other and accept each other for who they are...

my parents love me for me...flaws and all and support me unlike any other people on this planet, and I miss that!

i have had some VERY major events happen in my life a career move, home ownership, just stuff that is hard enough to handle on your own and i have had to do that and i guess i just finally stopped running long enough to feel that emptiness

and THAT was what was bothering me...

and its not like they are coming here any time soon, they won't be up here until the end of July and with me being so sick (clearly because i was sick and my body was feeling the pain of them being gone before i mentally processed it) i don't want to take any leave so i'll only be going to Houston to see my tootsie pop for memorial day...and then after that its saving leave for my trip to Ghana in December

but dudes and dudettes i feel so much better because at least i now know what it is and i can face that loneliness i feel and move forward

i think the NOT knowing what it was, was worse than knowing...

MOVING FORWARD SMILING

ps i got me "she she" back (that's my MacBook's name) her uncle MJ hooked her up!