the mind...

can take you to another level
both positive and negative
it can have you envision your future
and it can have you reliving painful pasts or making up things that don't exist

in the classic words of the ghetto boys
"my minds playing tricks on me"

maybe?
i don't know but i do know there is a difference between how you feel and what's real

for example
pregnancy
there are a few pregnant women in my new office
and they freak me OUT
not because i dont' think its a beautiful thing
because it is
they have a glow and the whole nine
they have the benefit of repeating the same outfit in a week because who is going to tell a pregnant lady she can't do that!
they wear flip flops in a very conservative environment

but that waddle
that pain in their faces
that belly dropping EVERY SINGLE DAY
it freaks me out

being broke freaks me out
there is something about the idea of not having enough money at any given moment for any given life tragedy that really freaks me out
not being able to take vacations
or go to see my parents
or put my son in private school
it all overwhelms me
and i say me because it was decided upon that i would take that responsibility to manage the finances of our household

yea i could do it for just me
making sure the money works for ALL THREE people a lot

the fact that people constantly want to know when we are going to "have a little girl" makes me roll my eyes like my momma would
ummm i'll have another baby when you can come take care of her and pay for her
like i don't know what goes on in folks MINDS
didn't i just have radiation?
smh
people

maybe it's just all a test though to see how much faith we really have because in order to maneuver through all the mind traps and questions of others you have to really have faith that things will 1 be alright 2 if they aren't alright will work out anyway 3 be better than expected

so you know its all a matter of just pushing forward every single day

new digs...

got me some new digs as you can see
it's spring
OFFICIALLY
even though it's snowing here
but it's officially spring and it was time for a change

i am supposed to take lil d to the circus tonight, but if mommy isn't up to it, it may not happen
just being honest

during the week when i am on this night shift, all i want to do is sleep during the day, and get up spend time with the guys, and come to work

that's it!

nothing extra
so leaving the house to do something a whole 3 hours BEFORE i am to come to work and work all night long, the thought is overwhelming

if we dont' make it, we'll make it next year for sure
he's 3 and is starting to get a memory but he won't be phased especially since i have learned to NOT hype him up about events until we are ON THE WAY
a disappointed child is heartbreaking
so we learned that lesson

oh
have you heard that new Beyonce song?
i do not like it
i do not like it sam i am
i do not like the fact houston screw
i do not like the beat
i do not like her speech
i do not like how she's trying to act
i do not like it matter of fact
i do not like it
i do not like it same i am

and i am over folks going at keisha because she speaks her mind
she said what everyone was thinking about michelle and she is saying what folks is thinking about this new song
but maybe she should text it or iMessage it just to her close gfs so it doesn't come across as hatin
ijs

i need to eat more frutis and vegges

OH speaking of food
my hubs made this cornbread that is amazing
it's sooooooooooossssssooooooooooo good
he's made it two days in a row

he actually does more than most husbands i think i need to tell him that
i try to tell him as often as possible
but i think i'll tell him again

you know who rocks my parents

OH our wedding album is done! we went through ummmmmmmmm only 5 versions and two conference calls before it was perfect perfect

that's pretty good for me
i went through ummmmmmm

maybe 6 or 7 versions of flowers before that was correct

oh i have two weddings this year!

i love doing weddings
i love fidning people deals
it's frustrating and fun

i's readtogo

peace

to be loved...

remember when i used to count down the months when we first got married?
yea well I totally forgot about hitting 5 months, seems he did too
i googled "how long are you considered a newlywed"
and i got a lot of difference answers
one year and one day
two years and two days
until you have kids (that would mean a lot of folks aren't ever newlyweds, including us)
until you stop have fun together
until you decide

so that doesn't really give me any "real" answer

i'll go with the two years, i think that's what tradition has right?

so it was sad we missed that day, but life happens and it doesn't mean we aren't excited to be married it just means we ARE married

but in about 2 1/2 weeks it'll be our sixth month mark and i think i'll want to do something special, i don't know what yet, but i am hoping to do something even if its just dinner and NOTHING else

one thing i have learned in these short months is that being married and loving someone as THEY need to be loved is the most difficult thing you could ever do
we all have our own love languages and many times the language of a husband and wife is different. a wife may need gifts and the husband acts of service. and if the wife is constantly giving her husband gifts but isn't washing his clothes and cooking for him, she could buy him the world and he still won't feel loved.
so loving someone how they need it means loving outside of what you want and giving them what they want which is TOTALLY unnatural

so for example
i have to make my husband talk to me because words of affirmation make me feel loved but if you met him and you met me you'd be like how the world, because i talk (my nickname as a child was chatter box) and he does NOT! literally the man doesn't he's always been quiet and i have always NOT been...ha! another example is he loves acts of service like me cooking, and i dont' like to cook and don't ask me to cook breakfast other than eggo's i can't help you! but my dinner is slamming so to make him smile i'll cook for him and to make me happy once a week he'll talk to me LOL literally (i made a funny, did you laugh i hope so)

i think many young people don't make it like our parents did because we always feel like divorce is an option or even if we don't we don't know how NOT to sweat the small stuff we ALWAYS want what we want when we want it all the time AND we expect things to be perfect and always happy and easy

well honey LOVE ain't easy
it's work!
it's a job a full time 24/7, 365 job that isn't about you!
it goes
GOD
your spouse
your child if you have any
and then YOU

yes you spouse comes before your child and they come before you because loving someone means putting them first, to not be selfish and think about what you want or need all the time, but what they want and need and how they feel and what they dream
that doesn't mean you neglect yourself but you work to fulfill them and guess what if the other person feels the same way both parties are fulfilled
let me say that again, if BOTH parties feels the same way, both parties are fulfilled! BAM

in theory wonderful concept, in practice a lot of darn work!

but to be loved is to experience one of the most precious gifts ever

...started from the bottom

now we here
i actually like that song by Aubrey
i didn't by the explicit version though
my voice is harder than his and i don't believe his cursing
does that sound right?
O just was shaking his head when i said that but its the truth

i started off doing all kinds of black history month pics on my instagram but that didn't last
not because i don't have a great love for all thing black (BLACK POWER) i don't think people were reading them
ehhh

HUGE change at work

i am now working overnight
not really feeling that
HOWEVER
the 10% or so increase that i'll get from working overnight and Sunday night will take care of the 10% loss we will suffer from the CONGRESS not creating a balanced budget

its hilarious to me how they are calling it Obamasequester really people and people believe that
how about both sides are just being rediculous

back to this working nights, it was either do that OR let them once again DROP me wherever they decided and that's not an option, i need to put myself where i want to be put, so i'll do this for a little while and then move on

time to pull things together to hopefully get promoted at some point this year and this time, it'll take a package

marriage life is cool
its work
but it has great moments
and being a mom is cool
being parents is work
you have to work together and agree on how things should be done and that doesn't always happen, so backing each other up eve when you don't agree with the other person is so important.

oh
i have two weddings that i am doing April and July and i am excited and nervous
its THE most important day in someone's life so i need to pay great attention to detail and ensure that everything is a perfect as possible
there were things about my day i didn't like and it was because she didnt' listen to me fully or ask me about something the day of
so i want to have a plan, A, B & C for my clients!

totally excited about 2013 so let's see if we can get this business legalized and on ready to take over the world

621: the meaning or marriage

that is the title of the book that i am currently reading
(along with ASSATA for my black history month read)
but this book is taking over my life

this is the summary of the book:
“A man shall leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. This is a profound mystery…” - Ephesians 5:31-32

Modern culture would have you believe that everyone has a soul-mate; that romance is the most important part of a successful marriage; that marriage does not mean til death do us part, but merely for as long as my needs are being met; and that when serious differences arise, divorce is the best solution.  
According to the bible, all of these modern-day assumptions miss what marriage is all about..... draws a profound portrait of marriage from the pages of Scripture that neither idealizes nor rejects the institution but points us back to the relationship between God and man. The result is a vision for marriage that is refreshingly frank and unsentimental, yet hopeful and beautiful. This book is for anyone from singles, to couples considering marriage, to those who have been married recently or for a long time

WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!
i won't say what i thought was right or wrong about the statement because i couldn't figure it out really
i just know it is an in your face this is what the TRUTH is and this is reality

i have recently said that marriage is both a beautiful thing and a lot of hard work
and that simple statement rings and remains true
as well as my statement that those who don't think so are either lying or delusional

here is the other thing
when you are in a marriage and you are working if you don't know Jehovah Jirah
you will definitely feel alone and lost

people tell you the first year of marriage is hard, but no one tell you just HOW HARD it is
i have known this man for the past 13/14 years and until you MARRY someone you have no idea
you think but you don't know
and the reality is you still are getting to know them until the end
people change
have expectations
have needs
have dreams
have issues

and if you aren't grounded in the WORD i can honestly see why someone would NOT make it past 90 days, 6 months, or the first year
realistically
once you say I do and come back from your honeymoon all living hell can break lose with real world responsibilities and the pressure of marital expectations

the WORD is what is going to keep you past day 1 to day 18,250 (that's 50 years of marriage)

here's to working at it and making it work
not because you HAVE to
but because you WANT to

random

so i don't know if anyone else cares
but beyonce sung over her own voice and seems to me that she went ham at the end so who really CARES
wasn't like she was singing over J huds voice or Mary's she sung along with her voice so jump across the river and move on
secondly
and i know many others haven't thought about it but another thing about beyonce
that GQ spread she did, and this is my blog and MY opinion, to me isn't much better than those spreads in KING or Maxium
they were bootie shots and that's that
nothing more to them but that
again my opinion and blog and i can say what i want

i keep watching think like a man
i remember when the book came out and i was single and my mother thought something was wrong with me, she was trying not to say that, but that's how she felt
anyways
she got me the book
i will saying that he brings up some things that work well for the single woman but then again what can a man whose been divorced what twice tell me
a man who also wore a hair piece until he finally let it go

i have facebooked before about my disdain for trinidad james but that man really makes my skin crawl
he is wearing a leopard blouse and holding a puppy in the middle of the projects! i can't

what is with rap today anyways
it just isn't motivating
nothing is dope
remember a beat would come on and the room would literally stand still
remember that feeling when the songs beat hit the floor and would make it rumble and you knew every single word of the rap song
EVERY SINGLE WORD

well very few songs are like that
remember ready to die
man that was a classic
i knew every single song
or water bed hev

WHAT HAPPENED TO RAP!!!!

marriage is fun
and a lot of work
anyone that says its one without the other is either lying or in denial
you have to give and take
you have to try and try some more to communicate

my son has to have surgery on Tuesday
he has fluid in his ears and has to have tubes put in and have his adenoids scraped down
me being sick is one thing
HIM being sick another
that's a little 3 year old child that is helpless so for him to be put under and there is nothing that we can do for him but just wait
that's a feeling i wish on no one

i am home alone until Monday and it sucks
i am bored out of my mind
and nauseated like crazy and it pretty much sucks majorly!
and i can't be around people except for tomorrow for long periods of time and i have to be so many feet away
which is good since i have to go to work
which i am not looking forward to doing
but such is life

well that's enough randomnessofaminddumpfortonight

radiation

i am on my way to hopkins for my radiation treatment
i must go alone
the rays can hurt someone else
i am upset and emotional
such is life
being strong is overrated

i'll just treat it like any other appointment
sigh