precious

"Ma what did you mean by Daddy needing a CT scan to determine if the cancer had spread"

"oh I didn't tell you, I thought I did, your father has prostate cancer"

and just like that i felt like my stomach had gone into me feet

i still haven't stopped shaking and i received the information over 24 hours ago but i can't stop shaking i have the shakes

my nerves are on edge and i can't shake it

plus they don't know enough information to me

what is the score of his diagnosis (meaning is he in the early intermediate or advanced stages)
what is the grade of his tumors

no answers!

i think she blacked out and he doesn't listen to the doctors anyway, that's his coping mechanism, he says if he doesn't know how bad it is then he can't worry himself

i told my mother its her job to just take care of him

I WILL TALK TO THE DOCTOR MYSELF

i will ask all of the questions, do all of the research, understand the options and tell them what i think they should do based on whatever the doctor tells me

i have booked my flight already and will be there for 4 nights at the end of May...its time to get answers and get to moving

my daddy turns 65 next month, that's YOUNG

he hasn't walked me down the isle yet
he hasn't given me away yet
we haven't had our first dance
he hasn't held my child
we haven't sat on the porch of my custom made home and just laughed and joked

there is still SO MANY THINGS that need to be done
so many more memories that need to be made

yes a lot of people survive prostate cancer, i get that but STOP telling me how this person and that person survived it

they aren't MY DAD that's just plain and simple they are NOT

he's already sick, already taking as much as he can just to fight the different issues he has now...if he wasn't as sick he is now, i would feel a little better about it, but the fact of the matter is he already takes almost 15 pills a DAY for his many conditions

now you may add some more medication, radiation, chemo, oh and let's not forget that he was in the hospital to get a biopsy on his kidneys yesterday when i called her out on the reason for the CT scan she gave me on Tuesday! so he also has issues with his kidneys not properly functioning...good news (if there such, but it really was) was that the cyst on his kidney wasn't cancerous so it hadn't spread as far as they can tell, but the CT scan oh and the bone scan he has to have on Monday will show if the cancer has spread or not

and all of this is happening and i am 14 hours away...

i can't see him
i can't hug him
i can't make him laugh by doing something silly or saying something off the wall

he sounds so weak

i keep trying to focus on work but i can't
physically i am here but otherwise i am not

this helpless feeling i have is eating me up

i can't fix it
i can't make him feel better
i can't help my mom

i can't

i CAN and will continue to PRAY and have faith that whatever GOD's will is for him, will be

i just don't want to see my daddy suffer, he doesn't deserve to suffer...i see now why he's always saying his back is hurting, he's always in pain

all i can do is pray and what will be will be

two more days....

and it would've made for a full month since i blogged

but since i haven't blogged in a while, i figured i should go ahead and make do

i really don't know what to blog about

seems i haven't been feeling much like myself lately

mainly because i suffer from chronic sinuitus and stay sick around this time of year...i know that seasonal allergies tend to bring anyone down and make them feel like they are dragging but with me its to the extreme...how about i finally do what i am supposed to do and take my allergy shot weekly so that i can get to maintenance and therefore won't need them any more

i find that i have been really quiet lately in general at work, at home, i don't talk that much to anyone anymore, not even my momma, those conversations are pretty short, i know pretty unbelievable

i don't know why, well yes i do, when i don't have anything really productive or positive to say, i tend to go into my shell, when i am feeling like there is way to much going on for me to handle i go into my shell

can i tell you a secret (i know right like the world wide web makes sense to tell a secret to) but i don't think i am really ready for this whole wife and mother thing.

there i said it!

its a LOT of work, maybe if we were in the same house it would be easier, but we aren't even in the same state, which makes for me living out of a suitcase and living in crazy times more often then not

this past weekend, on saturday i slept until 11am! i can't even start to remember when i have been able to sleep in, my body just doesn't allow for it, and always tend to get up by 9 at the latest but not this weekend, i was home and i slept got up went to the couch and slept some more...sunday i cleaned like a mad woman, washed clothes, just did things around the house and then i got so caught up in walmart i missed passover service...its literally been like 2, 2 1/2 months since i have been to walmart and really did shopping for myself and my house

i don't say this all to say that i mind, but it is a lot when you have someone or someoneS depending on you, its even more pressure when the other someone is a little toddler (is he even consider a toddler he's not quit 2)

and to add to the pressure, he looks like he could be my child...so now you have people thinking he is my son, that i am his mother (but his birth mother doesn't have the best reputation, so in no way shape or form do i want people thinking i am her!)

i think some people remember me from my previous years, and then others have never seen her so the probably just assume that i am her, and even my own momma says he looks like he could be mines, so that makes it hard because until all the court stuff is over, we can't really move forward, well we can, but he (the daddy) needs some closure on the situation

and i am sure being the sole provider for the little guy isn't what he thought he would have to deal with, and i try as best as i can to be supportive, but geesh it can really get hard

but then he says my name "T" or asks for me when i am gone or smiles at me or laughs when he hears my voice and it makes it all worth it

they both are my lil short men, and i love them dearly

but i gotta find the balance, why is it always so very very hard to find the balance?

i need to work out again, i need to take care of myself more

heck can i just go and have time for a mani/pedi

its like a long distance relationship on steroids because there is NO down time, or very little and then there is the whole other subject (which i don't even want to discuss) about being together for eva eva eva...which we need to make a decision about because who wants to have their heart broken again, not me NOR do i want to break lil lil man's heart

i have no clue what i am doing right now, i mean i know but i don't know, i love his dad, but is love enough? how much longer can i do long distance? i can't move anywhere without two things a ring and a job, he can't go anywhere because he is in school and needs to finish!

i guess or know rather that in situations like these this is where FAITH comes into play, because i clearly have NO answers!

kung fu panda

Inner peace
inner peace
inner peac

remember the master kept asking for inner peace

and then the turtle was trying to tell him whatever is going to be its going to be you have to just accept it and make the most of it and not look at it for what YOU think it is but what it really is

i have finally stopped stressing myself out over something that i personally have NO control

i have finally realized that at this point the ONLY person i can control is me and that its time for me to focus on me and not lose all that i have worked hard to gain

i have also finally realized that people can ONLY be who they are...and a lot of times that comes from how we are raised, where we grow up, our friends, our spirituality...

it can be a number of thinks but the point is, we can only be who we are, period...

and once you see that and you let go of these boxes we put others and ourselves in

you come to peace

i went to a memorial service this weekend and this man, whom i never had the pleasure of meeting, life preached his own service

and it made me think of what i want my dash to represent about me

i don't want to be angry
bitter
or mean

and i found myself being that more often than not lately because i was driving myself crazy about things i can't control

its not a question of love
its a question of effort and work, the willingness to put in the work to make a relationship happen and to keep it happy

at this point its not even him its me, i am not ready and i am not ready because i can't see myself committing for various reasons

i can love you all day and you can love me

but if at the end of the day we'll be "roommates" than what is the purpose

so i let go

and i'll let it fall where it falls

and i am finally really ok with it

wild flower

by new birth

have you ever heard it?
its one of the most beautiful songs

"let the rain fall down upon her.......she's free and gentle flower growing wild, she is my flower"

I love this song...I remember the first time i heard it, i was in high school, my older brother big W, always had an ear for music, plus he was born in the 1972 (unlike myself who is a 1980 baby)

so my parents were in their 20s and they were jammin, my dad loves music so the house was always pumpin i am sure...so when i was younger that love for music was passed on to me through my brother...

random but how i am feeling

so that brings me to my current point:
has anyone seen that Gucci man "I don't love her" video?
have you all listened to the lyrics?
if you haven't, go youtube it and come back, i'll wait

ok you done

now here is the thing i wanted to yell and scream at this bama this morning

"DUDE she don't love you either! and if it wasn't for the money in your pocket or the car you was driven she wouldn't be paying you no mind...and further more have YOU looked at YOURSELF, but whatever works for you boo"

i just can't believe that some folks think that they are all that, and maybe he really doesn't think that but really in a song?

now don't get me wrong i am a woman that realizes that there are different types of women
there is
the slut
the roller
the holy roller
the lady
the golddigger
the bitch
and the queen

i am not not one of those women that is disillusioned to believe that there isn't a variety when it comes to the type of women that are out here, or that some women have once belonged in one category and transferred to another OR that someone is a combination of various categories

the problem i have is that allow there is a variety in the types of women there isn't a variety in the types of music

i recall lil wayne saying and i paraphrase because i can't remember something like he tells the truth about women that there are in fact bitches in the world

i can't say that he's lying, i have all brothers, yes there are some bitches in the world

and like david banner once said, "i still love my queens but bitches hipped me to the game"

*shrugs*

ok

but where are the songs about "wild flowers" or flying our "pretty wings" to me there isn't enough balance

music today is completely unbalanced and i am tired of hearing about the bitches and what they do and not about the queens!

that's why you got these 30 year old thugs running around here thinking this type of thing is cute

now mind i will again say, women themselves determine how a man treats them...like my man said the other day "if you are being treated like a roller, you may have roller tendencies"

but stop talking about just the one side

talk about the whole spectrum of women and who we are and what we bring to the table

there are a lot of ladies and queens in the world who walk the walk and talk the talk, head healed high and handling our business, we aren't perfect but we strive to be the best that we can be

can i get a song...thanks!

umi says...the people

so i have come to a crossroads or conclusion in my life

i have decided to step down at the end of the year from Kiamsha as the director

its just time, its been 10 years, its run its course and its time for new people to come in and pump some fresh blood into the organization and the youth

i love the kids

so i will always be around but i just don't have it in me to go every monday night anymore

i am as my homegirl said "on the upswing of life" i am trying to build things right now and its not fair to the kids or the organization if i feel like my attention needs to be on my life and what i am personally trying to do

i got kids to feed (yes i know dramatic) but i do and spending time with those kids and family and figuring out what i want to do with my life right now is key

its just that time

what will i know do with my monday nights?

i have no idea, maybe focus on school or building a life for myself

i will always give back that's apart of my spirit, my blood, my dna...maybe i'll focus on mentoring one on one, or just being there for the few youngins that i know that have already come through

this world can be a cruel place and we all can use all the support we can get

maybe i'll finally go back to school and study african american history get my PhD

maybe i'll have a kid of my own

its just time to let that part of my life go and move on and forward

my heart isn't IN IT like it was before like it should be these youngins need people that aren't tired of the politics of things or frustrated with the way things are done or not done...

now what to do next?

Protect it

"hard work is protect it gotta respect..." gods'illa

that's how i am feeling about life and how and where i am at presently

there has been a lot happening in my life lately and sometimes more often than not i have been reverting back to a lot of bad habits i had outgrown and i realized that i was doing that

i worked really hard not to let people, places, and things, get me out of the character that i am developing

main ingredient for that character for me is PEACE

period

that's all i want is peace, to be peace and to bring peace

and i realize that you can't expect for anyone to protect or appreciate all that you have accomplished or are trying to accomplish because no one works for what you have but you

whether its mental, emotional, spiritual, or least material

its not theirs, its YOURS so if you want it, if you want to hold on to it

YOU GOTTA PROTECT IT

that's the end

so with this lesson or reminder if you will presented to me

i am no longer angry

i just am

because i realize that the ONLY person that my happiness depends on or my safety depends on or my sanity depends on or my tranquility depends on or my peace depends on

is me and the Almighty

that's it...

nothing and no one else is responsible or will ever be responsible for me but me and the one that's been with me from the beginning and will be with me in the end

and with this reminder i move on

rain drops

its raining outside

and that is pretty much how i feel on the inside

maybe the older i get the less patience i have about or with certain things, but i have come to learn a few things about myself lately, i don't love in between, either i love you and i give you all i got, or i don't fool with you at all...there isn't any gray area for me

i don't know how not to love and nurture, support and encourage, and just give the best of me to the person i love

but i have learned i don't take as long as i used to, to get feed up with the dumb stuff

not long at all...

i've said it before it doesn't take all day to recognize sunshine, and maybe my packaging isn't the prettiest or the smallest but my heart shines like gold

i remember once a friend said to me "maybe you aren't meant to be married" that comment still lingers and she doesn't even probably realize the damage she did that day (another example of how words do hurt) or how things will never be the same between us and i have always looked are her differently since...

and those words hang over my head like a curse

maybe love, marriage, children, the things i want most in this world on this earth aren't meant for me

i am really starting to believe that its not going to happen

i guess everything aint for everybody

i'd rather be alone than "with" someone and insecure, unsure and confused because of the
onesidedness of it all...

i guess i'll just be hopeless

because right now i don't believe anymore that i can have it all

time to face reality and get back to being just me