kung fu panda

Inner peace
inner peace
inner peac

remember the master kept asking for inner peace

and then the turtle was trying to tell him whatever is going to be its going to be you have to just accept it and make the most of it and not look at it for what YOU think it is but what it really is

i have finally stopped stressing myself out over something that i personally have NO control

i have finally realized that at this point the ONLY person i can control is me and that its time for me to focus on me and not lose all that i have worked hard to gain

i have also finally realized that people can ONLY be who they are...and a lot of times that comes from how we are raised, where we grow up, our friends, our spirituality...

it can be a number of thinks but the point is, we can only be who we are, period...

and once you see that and you let go of these boxes we put others and ourselves in

you come to peace

i went to a memorial service this weekend and this man, whom i never had the pleasure of meeting, life preached his own service

and it made me think of what i want my dash to represent about me

i don't want to be angry
bitter
or mean

and i found myself being that more often than not lately because i was driving myself crazy about things i can't control

its not a question of love
its a question of effort and work, the willingness to put in the work to make a relationship happen and to keep it happy

at this point its not even him its me, i am not ready and i am not ready because i can't see myself committing for various reasons

i can love you all day and you can love me

but if at the end of the day we'll be "roommates" than what is the purpose

so i let go

and i'll let it fall where it falls

and i am finally really ok with it

wild flower

by new birth

have you ever heard it?
its one of the most beautiful songs

"let the rain fall down upon her.......she's free and gentle flower growing wild, she is my flower"

I love this song...I remember the first time i heard it, i was in high school, my older brother big W, always had an ear for music, plus he was born in the 1972 (unlike myself who is a 1980 baby)

so my parents were in their 20s and they were jammin, my dad loves music so the house was always pumpin i am sure...so when i was younger that love for music was passed on to me through my brother...

random but how i am feeling

so that brings me to my current point:
has anyone seen that Gucci man "I don't love her" video?
have you all listened to the lyrics?
if you haven't, go youtube it and come back, i'll wait

ok you done

now here is the thing i wanted to yell and scream at this bama this morning

"DUDE she don't love you either! and if it wasn't for the money in your pocket or the car you was driven she wouldn't be paying you no mind...and further more have YOU looked at YOURSELF, but whatever works for you boo"

i just can't believe that some folks think that they are all that, and maybe he really doesn't think that but really in a song?

now don't get me wrong i am a woman that realizes that there are different types of women
there is
the slut
the roller
the holy roller
the lady
the golddigger
the bitch
and the queen

i am not not one of those women that is disillusioned to believe that there isn't a variety when it comes to the type of women that are out here, or that some women have once belonged in one category and transferred to another OR that someone is a combination of various categories

the problem i have is that allow there is a variety in the types of women there isn't a variety in the types of music

i recall lil wayne saying and i paraphrase because i can't remember something like he tells the truth about women that there are in fact bitches in the world

i can't say that he's lying, i have all brothers, yes there are some bitches in the world

and like david banner once said, "i still love my queens but bitches hipped me to the game"

*shrugs*

ok

but where are the songs about "wild flowers" or flying our "pretty wings" to me there isn't enough balance

music today is completely unbalanced and i am tired of hearing about the bitches and what they do and not about the queens!

that's why you got these 30 year old thugs running around here thinking this type of thing is cute

now mind i will again say, women themselves determine how a man treats them...like my man said the other day "if you are being treated like a roller, you may have roller tendencies"

but stop talking about just the one side

talk about the whole spectrum of women and who we are and what we bring to the table

there are a lot of ladies and queens in the world who walk the walk and talk the talk, head healed high and handling our business, we aren't perfect but we strive to be the best that we can be

can i get a song...thanks!

umi says...the people

so i have come to a crossroads or conclusion in my life

i have decided to step down at the end of the year from Kiamsha as the director

its just time, its been 10 years, its run its course and its time for new people to come in and pump some fresh blood into the organization and the youth

i love the kids

so i will always be around but i just don't have it in me to go every monday night anymore

i am as my homegirl said "on the upswing of life" i am trying to build things right now and its not fair to the kids or the organization if i feel like my attention needs to be on my life and what i am personally trying to do

i got kids to feed (yes i know dramatic) but i do and spending time with those kids and family and figuring out what i want to do with my life right now is key

its just that time

what will i know do with my monday nights?

i have no idea, maybe focus on school or building a life for myself

i will always give back that's apart of my spirit, my blood, my dna...maybe i'll focus on mentoring one on one, or just being there for the few youngins that i know that have already come through

this world can be a cruel place and we all can use all the support we can get

maybe i'll finally go back to school and study african american history get my PhD

maybe i'll have a kid of my own

its just time to let that part of my life go and move on and forward

my heart isn't IN IT like it was before like it should be these youngins need people that aren't tired of the politics of things or frustrated with the way things are done or not done...

now what to do next?

Protect it

"hard work is protect it gotta respect..." gods'illa

that's how i am feeling about life and how and where i am at presently

there has been a lot happening in my life lately and sometimes more often than not i have been reverting back to a lot of bad habits i had outgrown and i realized that i was doing that

i worked really hard not to let people, places, and things, get me out of the character that i am developing

main ingredient for that character for me is PEACE

period

that's all i want is peace, to be peace and to bring peace

and i realize that you can't expect for anyone to protect or appreciate all that you have accomplished or are trying to accomplish because no one works for what you have but you

whether its mental, emotional, spiritual, or least material

its not theirs, its YOURS so if you want it, if you want to hold on to it

YOU GOTTA PROTECT IT

that's the end

so with this lesson or reminder if you will presented to me

i am no longer angry

i just am

because i realize that the ONLY person that my happiness depends on or my safety depends on or my sanity depends on or my tranquility depends on or my peace depends on

is me and the Almighty

that's it...

nothing and no one else is responsible or will ever be responsible for me but me and the one that's been with me from the beginning and will be with me in the end

and with this reminder i move on

rain drops

its raining outside

and that is pretty much how i feel on the inside

maybe the older i get the less patience i have about or with certain things, but i have come to learn a few things about myself lately, i don't love in between, either i love you and i give you all i got, or i don't fool with you at all...there isn't any gray area for me

i don't know how not to love and nurture, support and encourage, and just give the best of me to the person i love

but i have learned i don't take as long as i used to, to get feed up with the dumb stuff

not long at all...

i've said it before it doesn't take all day to recognize sunshine, and maybe my packaging isn't the prettiest or the smallest but my heart shines like gold

i remember once a friend said to me "maybe you aren't meant to be married" that comment still lingers and she doesn't even probably realize the damage she did that day (another example of how words do hurt) or how things will never be the same between us and i have always looked are her differently since...

and those words hang over my head like a curse

maybe love, marriage, children, the things i want most in this world on this earth aren't meant for me

i am really starting to believe that its not going to happen

i guess everything aint for everybody

i'd rather be alone than "with" someone and insecure, unsure and confused because of the
onesidedness of it all...

i guess i'll just be hopeless

because right now i don't believe anymore that i can have it all

time to face reality and get back to being just me

frustration

i haven't been really really frustrated in a LONG time
but i am definitely there again...

i don't like being off centered and i am really off centered right now

i don't get off until 6 tonight and my house looks a straight up mess! It needs to be cleaned so that I can have some sense of peace, I have to do it...but i am soooo very very tired right now
i have to work tomorrow
i am working on sunday
i have two papers and discussion participation due sunday by midnight
i need to go grocery shopping
i need to start working out again
i need to do laundry
i need to CLEAN

i am not happy right now

i totally have been neglecting myself and focusing on others and trying to help them get set up and i don't feel appreciated at all for it
and their stuff is good and straight, house clean set up, food in the crib, the whole nine...MY house looks like a tornado hit it and i don't have anything in there remotely considered editable

why? smh

i have no one to blame but myself

i care too much and i don't want to care much anymore i want to not care at all and i wish i could just turn my feelings off and not be bothered

i am now frustrated at work, and i will say i am very fortunate but i am frustrated because i am trying to move forward and take advantage of some things and initially it was "go for it" now its "are you sure" yes i am sure and i am applying if i get it that's not up to me but i am trying for it and i'll prove myself like i always do

why do i always have to prove something to someone in some form or fashion in my life?

so very very frustrating...so now i just want to simply do my work and mind my business and go home that's it that's all...

i am in the top 10 even more top than that but its not relevant, but i am producing and working hard but whatever

so again i am frustrated

did you say you want one thing, but you haven't acted on it in any shape or form and you wonder why i don't really care about what you just said...i do care, but i don't...why should i
love is a verb and i can't tell sir...

i have learned a lot of things in this lil life of mines and one thing is for sure is not getting head over heels with words...words mean nothing to me, NOTHING if you don't act like it on a consistent basis i could care less
consistency
stability
loyalty

if i don't feel confident in those things, then welp i don't know what to tell you

heck i don't even know what to tell myself

frustrated

update

ummmm so i am sick YET AGAIN

this time i am sick with the flu...

here is what i learned during this week of being off from work (which i could NOT afford, however such is life) 1. i need to find a new primary care doctor because that chick told me i had a cold and i told her it wasn't a cold but she dismissed what i was saying

LESSON: keep listening to my body and find a new primary care doctor

2. if all else fells a minute clinic/urgent care place like patient first in the DMV area is AWESOME...2 hours later i have a true diagnosis of the flu and all it took was them swabbing my nose, but they also took a chest x-ray and blood work...2 hours later a proper diagnosis and i am on my way...

i think i'll be working next weekend both Saturday and Sunday because i definitely want my 4 day weekend and I definitely don't have any leave and i need to build that up...i'll probably work late every day the week of V day makes me no difference i do have to be careful now though because i have other work now

SIDE NOTE: why is that awful show "the steve harvey project" currently on my tv, its on mute because i was doing homework/school work (we'll get to that in a minute) but anyways why immediately when i looked up at the sistah on i KNEW she was wearing a wig...smh sad

yes i have decided on a certificate program it may end up being another master's degree but honestly, i am not that pressed so it really may just be a certificate...i am taking 3 classes and 1 of them isn't graded but required, its a research course but my thing is if you already have a graduate degree why do i have to take this mess! but its cool...i have gotten a 8 out of 8 on my first quiz and 7 out of 8 on my second...

the entire thing is online again but i think i am better prepared for it this semester than last...plus the certification is in my field and has the words "management" behind it...and being that i have determined that i want to go into the management track at my current job this will allow me to go to another level

so the feds have put a hiring freeze into effect...so that means we currently are hiring anyone outside of the agency and it also means that you can't go anywhere either!

now we still haven't determined what we "are" and we both decided that we wouldn't make a move until next year anyways...meaning that whatever THIS is, to be fair we are "exclusively" figuring this out...meaning we aren't dealing with anyone else while during this process to give it a fair shot...now the reason being that 1. people get second chances, not thirds and 2 if this s it then this is IT, period the end! stamp it we are both done, off the market for good, marriage...so its not like date, bf/gf, engaged, then marriage, pretty much skip the second stage and start planning for marriage...but for now, its a friendship and its going to be long distance...i just need to get used to this whole long distance thing again...

only on weekends will i get to see the person...and my lil person...that's tough right?

but we are both in school and working full time and he's a full time single parent so time is tight anyways during the weeks that makes communicating so very important

we'll see though because you know things seem one way and can easily shift another especially when its all on the winds of "figuring it out"

oh i have been in this house a year, i think i said that last post...OH but i did figure out that there is program in MD that you can apply for that keeps your taxes from jumping up all crazy, you know i applied so now i must wait and see what happens next...fingers crossed...

it seems like, or i know rather that every time something seems to not be working for me or not like its going to work out, things tend to work out

so i just glanced down and i have 4.4 days worth of music on my itunes (did i mention i stepped on and cracked my second ipod nano touch CLASSIC) not enough i need more music...how about i stop being lazy and download all my CDs on this thing

SIDE NOTE: golden decides she likes trash, so she has been snacking on random things the last two days, she just came in front of me and looks like she is in pain, so i motion for her to sit on the couch with me, what does she do, stands there and throws up on my carpet! incredible, not the hardwood floor, the carpet...great

i am feeling better though because i cleaned today...i couldn't take it anymore...i am still tired though and being that i was sick i have a lot of work to catch up on for school and i am sure next week will be a bit much...

i wonder how long its going to take before something is determined, i wonder how long i'll be willing to let this unknown state carry on? it doesn't take a whole day to recognize sunshine right?