frustration

i haven't been really really frustrated in a LONG time
but i am definitely there again...

i don't like being off centered and i am really off centered right now

i don't get off until 6 tonight and my house looks a straight up mess! It needs to be cleaned so that I can have some sense of peace, I have to do it...but i am soooo very very tired right now
i have to work tomorrow
i am working on sunday
i have two papers and discussion participation due sunday by midnight
i need to go grocery shopping
i need to start working out again
i need to do laundry
i need to CLEAN

i am not happy right now

i totally have been neglecting myself and focusing on others and trying to help them get set up and i don't feel appreciated at all for it
and their stuff is good and straight, house clean set up, food in the crib, the whole nine...MY house looks like a tornado hit it and i don't have anything in there remotely considered editable

why? smh

i have no one to blame but myself

i care too much and i don't want to care much anymore i want to not care at all and i wish i could just turn my feelings off and not be bothered

i am now frustrated at work, and i will say i am very fortunate but i am frustrated because i am trying to move forward and take advantage of some things and initially it was "go for it" now its "are you sure" yes i am sure and i am applying if i get it that's not up to me but i am trying for it and i'll prove myself like i always do

why do i always have to prove something to someone in some form or fashion in my life?

so very very frustrating...so now i just want to simply do my work and mind my business and go home that's it that's all...

i am in the top 10 even more top than that but its not relevant, but i am producing and working hard but whatever

so again i am frustrated

did you say you want one thing, but you haven't acted on it in any shape or form and you wonder why i don't really care about what you just said...i do care, but i don't...why should i
love is a verb and i can't tell sir...

i have learned a lot of things in this lil life of mines and one thing is for sure is not getting head over heels with words...words mean nothing to me, NOTHING if you don't act like it on a consistent basis i could care less
consistency
stability
loyalty

if i don't feel confident in those things, then welp i don't know what to tell you

heck i don't even know what to tell myself

frustrated

update

ummmm so i am sick YET AGAIN

this time i am sick with the flu...

here is what i learned during this week of being off from work (which i could NOT afford, however such is life) 1. i need to find a new primary care doctor because that chick told me i had a cold and i told her it wasn't a cold but she dismissed what i was saying

LESSON: keep listening to my body and find a new primary care doctor

2. if all else fells a minute clinic/urgent care place like patient first in the DMV area is AWESOME...2 hours later i have a true diagnosis of the flu and all it took was them swabbing my nose, but they also took a chest x-ray and blood work...2 hours later a proper diagnosis and i am on my way...

i think i'll be working next weekend both Saturday and Sunday because i definitely want my 4 day weekend and I definitely don't have any leave and i need to build that up...i'll probably work late every day the week of V day makes me no difference i do have to be careful now though because i have other work now

SIDE NOTE: why is that awful show "the steve harvey project" currently on my tv, its on mute because i was doing homework/school work (we'll get to that in a minute) but anyways why immediately when i looked up at the sistah on i KNEW she was wearing a wig...smh sad

yes i have decided on a certificate program it may end up being another master's degree but honestly, i am not that pressed so it really may just be a certificate...i am taking 3 classes and 1 of them isn't graded but required, its a research course but my thing is if you already have a graduate degree why do i have to take this mess! but its cool...i have gotten a 8 out of 8 on my first quiz and 7 out of 8 on my second...

the entire thing is online again but i think i am better prepared for it this semester than last...plus the certification is in my field and has the words "management" behind it...and being that i have determined that i want to go into the management track at my current job this will allow me to go to another level

so the feds have put a hiring freeze into effect...so that means we currently are hiring anyone outside of the agency and it also means that you can't go anywhere either!

now we still haven't determined what we "are" and we both decided that we wouldn't make a move until next year anyways...meaning that whatever THIS is, to be fair we are "exclusively" figuring this out...meaning we aren't dealing with anyone else while during this process to give it a fair shot...now the reason being that 1. people get second chances, not thirds and 2 if this s it then this is IT, period the end! stamp it we are both done, off the market for good, marriage...so its not like date, bf/gf, engaged, then marriage, pretty much skip the second stage and start planning for marriage...but for now, its a friendship and its going to be long distance...i just need to get used to this whole long distance thing again...

only on weekends will i get to see the person...and my lil person...that's tough right?

but we are both in school and working full time and he's a full time single parent so time is tight anyways during the weeks that makes communicating so very important

we'll see though because you know things seem one way and can easily shift another especially when its all on the winds of "figuring it out"

oh i have been in this house a year, i think i said that last post...OH but i did figure out that there is program in MD that you can apply for that keeps your taxes from jumping up all crazy, you know i applied so now i must wait and see what happens next...fingers crossed...

it seems like, or i know rather that every time something seems to not be working for me or not like its going to work out, things tend to work out

so i just glanced down and i have 4.4 days worth of music on my itunes (did i mention i stepped on and cracked my second ipod nano touch CLASSIC) not enough i need more music...how about i stop being lazy and download all my CDs on this thing

SIDE NOTE: golden decides she likes trash, so she has been snacking on random things the last two days, she just came in front of me and looks like she is in pain, so i motion for her to sit on the couch with me, what does she do, stands there and throws up on my carpet! incredible, not the hardwood floor, the carpet...great

i am feeling better though because i cleaned today...i couldn't take it anymore...i am still tired though and being that i was sick i have a lot of work to catch up on for school and i am sure next week will be a bit much...

i wonder how long its going to take before something is determined, i wonder how long i'll be willing to let this unknown state carry on? it doesn't take a whole day to recognize sunshine right?

556

that's the number of this post

i don't have a title because there are so many things going on in my head

so my mortgage jumped by dag on near $200 a month because the taxes on this house went UP!

huh? like that didn't compute when i bought this place that you know at the yearly tax assessment or due to an increase in your insurance your monthly payment can go up or down and here i was thinking that by getting a fixed interest rate i knew what my mortgage payment would be

had i known this i wouldn't have went out and bought a new truck (well new to me) but still new

GLAD i didn't jump out there on the 35K + Audi Q7 i'd be mad short right about now...

mind you i was JUST feeling good about the purchase this morning because i wasn't sliding last night in the snow that hit the DMV AND i was about to drive right over the snow in my driveway to get out and go to work since the feds decided all people needed was a 2 hour delay, mind you i slept in this peace with NO power last night and didn't have any this morning so it was touch and go if i was going to make it in...

but when you have NO leave and a week long cruise that's been paid for coming up, you find the way to get your hindmost to work...

i digress...

i promise that all of this being positive for people and trying to be a cheerleader is definitely being a drain on me...

but i said my piece and i will have my peace ya dig

i saw a young couple on the train today...they have 5 kids...looked like they were back to back to back...including the one that wasn't even a year yet in the stroller...here's the thing, all the kids were happy, healthy, clean and the young couple were married (at least they had on wedding rings) and they looked happy...i wonder why we don't see images like that...hell anybody in THIS economy with 5 kids could be struggling...and they maybe...but they were happy and there was a lot of love and respect between all of them...made me smile

well looks like something is going to have to get cut WAY out in my life in order to make this payments and still be good...time to make decisions and once again put on my big guru drawers and keep it moving...

another lesson learned on my own as an adult

geesh

communication

i have said it before and i will say it again

COMMUNICATION is KEY!

there is no way around that, if you can't tell the other person in your life what is going on, why you feel this way or that, or why this happened or that, heck why you are running late its going to cause a problem!

PERIOD!

the end...put a stamp on it seal it and deliver it, i'll pay the postage for it...

why don't people get that...its not that hard to just open your mouth...its not like i grew up in the best home for communication either, however, i know that as adult you can't constantly blame what happened in your life as a child on how you behave now...so therefore you take stock you look at what it is and you make the proper adjustments so that you can have a happier and healthier life than your parents provided you, as they tried to do for you...you know we are supposed to do better than our parents right, that's what they tell us all the time...

so be better

do better

why?

because you know better!

period you know good and freaking well what is going on and what isn't...

COMMUNICATE THAT!

people need to stop acting as if the TRUTH was some sort of crippling aliment or something

its the TRUTH straight up clear as day, black and white, nothing gray or purple or pink or red about it

it just is...and when people care about you they can accept the truth they can deal with the truth they will bare with you, why? because you told the truth

however, when you are constantly lacking the willingness to communicate and then act like communicating is the worse thing on the planet

well then i have a problem because i tend to live in black and white i don't and can't nor will i live in gray

why?

because i don't have to

look back...

i was at work today

not being that productive but productive

and i went back to 2006 and read some of my old blogs

a couple of things i have noticed

1. i don't get as HEATED as i used to, i was HOT a lot back then
2. there clearly aren't as many people left in blog land
3. i don't talk about HALF the stuff i used to talk about

DUDE
i was funny
sometimes deep
i talked about political stuff
religious stuff
my family
everyday LIFE

now, i am sure that the past year or so has been about LOVE and the lack there of in my life
well i know i blogged about my house and my job and my dog
but mainly its been about LOVE

i guess i am in that phase of my life, being 30 and all, that i still want that in my life

but geesh is that ALL there is to me?
is there all that there is to my life wanting and waiting for love?
if that is it, i am about as deep as a tic

and i would like to think that i am deeper than an insect that sucks the blood off of pure defenseless animals as its nourishment

i used to write, like really write
maybe i was deeper than because i was in graduate school
maybe going back to school will give me new and interesting things to blog about
maybe i need to write more about the random thoughts that go through my head on a daily basis as i walk the streets of DC

or maybe i am simply boring...

i don't go out that much any more and besides the random crazy phone call, as i got today from my parents, yelling and my father in the background talking about the size of his prostate (of which included information that as his child i have NO NEED to know) or my mother calling me complaining about Madea for the umpteenth time OR my brother complaining or fussing about whatever issues he has

i really don't have much to talk about

i like being boring though, its less dramatic, still has its moments but less dramatic none the less...

i mean i know people going through break ups, i know people falling in love

i tend to have a lot of thoughts and feelings on the matters but i don't know they seem to get lost in between my brain and the keys

i haven't even written in poetry lately...

maybe its time to tap back into LIFE

love is great and everything but dude let's face it, my reality is that its me, my little dog, in my little house, with my not so little yet nice new ride...LOL

its just me

i think its time to get back to ME a little more than i have been on this blog...

hopes and dreams are all nice and errythin but i think i'll enjoy the current ride i am on a little bit more than i have been

Happy 2011!

So i think this is like what my 5th year blogging now

wow...

incredible

i remember i started June of 2006, oh how time has flown past

and 552 (this marks 553) blogs later here we are 4 and 1/2 years in the blog game

a lot of folks have come and gone or even changed up the content of what it is that they are talking about, but still the same remains, me and my willingness to share what is going on with the world no matter what or how embarrassing or how happy, sad, mad or glad...

i would like to think that people would definitely find it something that they could relate to or make them laugh or something out of this thing

the fact still remains those that the main reason i blog is for me...to get out what i need to say and hopefully get some feedback from those out there in cyberland

see the one thing i have learned over these past years is that no matter how strong or "together" we all think we are, we aren't! period the end!

so i have grown a lot and i truly do appreciate the fact that even through i have fallen on my face numerous times, my family (including my blog family) have been there to support me

right now i am definitely going through a time of transition...my holiday season definitely was a wonderful one...one of the BEST i have had in years!

i spent it with close family friend and their family and then with my extended family and god children, NYE same close family and in church...it was just peaceful no drama and fun as well...

i thought that December was turning out to be just like December 2009, but i was completely WRONG...i have said it before and i'll say it again, a day, an hour, a minute, a second can definitely make all the difference in the world on how you see and view things

things aren't where I think they should be, but who am i right?
i know that things need to be shown, i know that we both have to be sure, we ARE talking about a LIFE TIME COMMITMENT here, lifetime, like years, like forever, forever eva, eva eva...
as much as i deem myself to be ready to be a wife (although up until my bible study on the subject about 4 months ago i really thought i was ready until bibilically i learned i wasn't even close) i have come to conclude that clearly GOD is still working some things out before that move can be made...being a wife and mother (instantly) won't be easy, but as long as he is secure in his decision to have me in his life i think i'll be ok

i think that's the thing, every woman, well ok, i'll speak for me, i want to know that you believe and feel like i am the missing piece to your puzzle...i mean we all can function and move on with life but do we want to is the question? like sure the two of them would be fine without me, but do you want to?

so now i sit back i watch and i wait to see what 2011 has in store for me...not easy, its not easy letting go and not having control over things

but in my work life when i did that, things turned out alright, in my financial life i did that and things turned out better than expected...i worked at it but i just allowed things to fall where they were going to fall...and they fell right into place

now i must allow love to do the same thing...totally not that easy but we shall see

alright, alright, alright

i am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO tired right now

i have an hour left at work and i am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ready to go

i have a suit on today that is literally falling off of me, i guess the weight loss is a reality...my co-workers have noticed...

so the kevin hart show was AWESOME like AWESOME like SO SO SO AWESOME

and i might add that i WON! yes your girl was FLYY and i am not basing it on the fact that i really literally was FLYY but based on his reaction to my outfit...

its always nice when you are getting dressed and you can tell that they weren't expecting what you have on...like this look like oh wow you are wearing that NICE...

plus if you add the fact that what HE wore, i picked out anyways than I still won...CLASSIC

when i say kevin hart is freaking HA LA RI OUS!

what...plus add some cheesecake factory for the after show dinner...

top notch night

not to say the weekend wasn't or didn't have its "moments of irritation" we definitely have to find the balance with each other i think when you are with anyone for what 2 and 1/2 days there are bound to be moments...

good thing is we vibe GREAT and work well as a team with the lil one...the bond that he and i have is there and we three vibe and work to get things done together well...

the issue i am having now though is getting to close...because if things don't work out i don't want to once again distance myself from the family, including this child...so now i find myself in a conundrum, although we have both decided that we will see where things go and allow things to flow...i still have to be mindful because it isn't just us, there is a child also involved...

all in all the weekend was good, not GREAT, but good and realistic

now to figure out what i shall be doing for the holidays