disperse

pretty much the song of the moment for me...



"cause worse come to worse....my peoples come FIRST"

period that's how it is...and my peoples knwo who they are

liberation

what's the true meaning of liberation...

to be freed from what? half the time its to be liberated from yourself and your own "box" of thoughts that you surround yourself with or in...

terrible thing one's thoughts can be

i know that my thoughts have been getting the best of me more than usual lately...

i must admit that i have been thinking and re-thinking conversations and interactions-just things

i wonder why the ind tends to do that...go back and forth over past events...all it does is punish you...i have already reflected and i am learning but i am thinking that my mind is just processing...it all started last week when i went out of town...it was the first trip that i went on "single" in a long time...so it was weird...i am glad its over with done...

you know how it is when you start getting back into your life and every time you do something that you did with that person it takes you back a little bit...and i thinkthat happened....it also didn't help that i tend to feel extremely lonely when i am out of town for work...being the youngest person and the only person of color in the deep south did in deed take it toll...but it always seems to make me a stronger person...

then i came back only to be SICK...so i have been in the house since Thursday...i went to a work meeting and came back home and have been in the house ever since...here's the thing though...it doesn't bother me...

liberation is knowing that you are a good person but that your being a good person may not be enough for the person you want it to be good enough for...does that make sense? put it this way, i know a really good guy, i mean he is a really good guy, but he just isn't the good guy for me...just like i know that i may not be a good girl for someone else...you know...

liberation is knowing that no matter what you are striving to be the best person you can be and that your past does not define who you are, it just a chapter in your life a piece of your story...

liberation is loving yourself flaws and all

So is this right

You Are 5: The Investigator


You're independent - and a logical analytical thinker.
You love learning and ideas... and know things no one else does.

Bored by small talk, you refuse to participate in boring conversations.
You are open minded. A visionary. You understand the world and may change it.

At Your Best: You are sharp, inventive, and creative. You have the skills to lead the world.

At Your Worst: You are reclusive, weird, and a bit paranoid.

Your Fixation: Greed

Your Primary Fear: Being useless or incompetent

Your Primary Desire: Being competent and needed

Other Number 5's: Bill Gates, John Lennon, Kurt Cobain, Bjork, and Stephen Hawking.

UPDATE:

so i took the quiz again and now it says i am an individualist...it can definitely be both i am a total combination
You are sensitive and intuitive, with others and yourself.
You are creative and dreamy... plus dramatic and unpredictable.

You're emotionally honest, real, and easily hurt.
Totally expressive, others always know exactly how you feel.

At Your Best: You are inspired, artistic, and introspective. You know what you're thinking, and you can communicate it well.

At Your Worst: You are melancholy, alienated, and withdrawn.

Your Fixation: Envy

Your Primary Fear: To have no identity

Your Primary Desire: To find yourself

Other Number 4's: Alanis Morisette, Johnny Depp, J.D. Salinger, Jim Morrison, and Anne Rice.

ready to go...

yep i am ready to go
ready to come home
me and texas' relationship needs to come to an end
it started off rather rocky
it did get better with some shopping in town (yes the same racist town from the post below)
but the people in the shops were nice (i love finding one of a kind pieces)

so much in this topic that i am listening to right now, is BLOWING me...yea so i am obese according to the numbers...man society doesn't really has us jacked up

definitely need to be healthy, and live a healthy lifestyle (eating right, exercise) just being healthy

small doesn't necessarily = healthy and recent studies have shown that

anyways...

CLEARLY being away from home for 5 days seems to be my limit...i have actually liked the place we are staying although i had to fuss so that we didn't get chicken for dinner last night, it would have made it night #3 for chicken...yea how bout NO...these people would have gone off and on ME because of that...

yea doing trainings meaning logistics and actually training is a lot...

but okay another issue is that i don't get credit but whatevs...

remember the four agreements:
1. be impeccable with your word
2. don't take anything personally
3. don't assume (always ask questions)
4. always do your best

i try to live by those agreements daily on top of the normal day to day moral guidelines that my family raised me with ( you know Bible knowledge)

its amazing how it all links together

maybe families wouldn't come because you talk down to them...anywho

then you have to deal with "how's the boyfriend?" LOL
actually that wasn't that hard as you would think since i am genuinely a happy person and happy in my life so to say its over doesn't bother me

you know who i have been thinking about lately...my college boyfriend...ni seems to think that something is wrong...i hope not, he is just on my mind...

i have also realised that none of my ex's are "the one" at least not in my mind...like since the break-up i have been doing inventory, because like i have said time and time again you must take personal stock and reflect on your role in the situation...well not only have i been thinking about this past situation but ALL my past situations because i am really at the point where i want to
1. make better/wiser choices in relationships
2. i really want my life to be peaceful and happy

that's the funny thing my life number is 2 which in short is for peace...

i journal all day yesterday...its really therapeutic...

okay this is long enough

oh my plans-all that are definitely coming together

from my fingers to HIS ears

racism is STILL alive...part (whoknows)

so as my co-worker (who is white) went to breakfast at the Bourne Cafe & Grill this morning for breakfast we didn't know we would be walking into 1955...

CLEARLY it was a "white ONLY " establishment even though those words were not written on the doors...

we walked in placed our order and proceeded to sit there while at least 5 other orders (which were placed after ours)

as soon as we sat down it was like i was in an alien on the planet we call earth...i mean you could cut the tension with a knief it was totally insane...it was the most uncomfortable feeling.

i don't think i have experienced such a feeling like this in my adult life...i texted some people with my outrage and my mentor said "use your training" yea that's WAY easier said than done! I didn't act a fool or anything when the orders got backed up my co-worker went and asked about it...i mean i wasn't going to go up to them and teach them about the african-american experience and teach them about me and my culture and how ignorant they are/were being...keeping my composure was their lesson that all black folks don't act a fool and that we don't run away from ignorant ish either...


had i not pre-paid we probably would have left the place...but i am glad we didn't we sat and talked about work and talking about business...

lesson learned never run away from racism you stand tall and show and prove
she and i both were upset...of course i didn't let it get to me, but still it wasn't the best way to start my full day off...

i got engaged last night....

he got down on one knee at my madea's house in Alabama...in her kitchen, just me and him

he was tall and like a caramel color...it was sweet, it was personal, it was just me and him in the kitchen, it was i think early morning because not soon after everyone started getting up and coming for breakfast...all of my family was there including my parents so it must have been something going on...i got engaged!

seriously i did!

well in my dream anyways...

the dream was soooooooooooo real...

here is the thing i remember a couple of things from the dream that stand out:

1. i was at peace and truly happy

2. we made a date right then and there, initially i proposed 09-09-09, but his brother was in the service and he stated that wouldn't work being so close to the anniversary of 9-11 he wouldn't be able to "view" the services from over seas so we picked 10-10-10...

but there were 2 things that stand out that were OFF:

1. he didn't ask my father for my hand in marriage (i am a FIRM believer in this tradition of having my parents bless my union so you gonna ask)

2. my mother was TOTALLY against it...she never said why, and before i could get an answer from her

what is so totally ironic about this entire situation is the fact that i just had a conversation with Mama C the other evening about the fact that i don't' know if marriage and kids is really for me...yea i know completely shocking right...especially when a couple months ago i was stating that i felt like my greatest accomplishment would be to be a mother and a wife...and its not that i don't love children or believe that there are good men out there...because i know there are...

yes as this month's Essence shows, men do in fact cheat...but so do women, people in general cheat...

the one thing i know for sure about when people cheat, its normally because of their own issues weather it be self-esteem, the control/power over cheating, fulfilling some superficial "wanting" or even communication (not communicating needs to their partner and just going elsewhere)..whatever the case is, it usually doesn't have anything, majorly, to do with the partner...because if you are that miserable then you LEAVE you don't cheat...

i have also learned that monogamy is a CHOICE and it doesnt' mean that you don't still find other's attractive it just means that you CHOOSE to not act on that...you choose to be faithful and loyal, its a choice a choice that you make on a daily basis...

i know that personally i am not even thinking about a relationship let alone marriage...i may be a wife in waiting, but here's the thing i am not waiting...

i have some personal goals some things that i need to get done and i am working to make those things happen for me in my life, and they are indeed happening, slowly but surely i am living for me and making some things happen and again i am really happy...

so although the ring was beautiful and the proposal was so sweet (never how i personally imagined, like at a family cookout-him going up and stopping the music) it was what was beautiful between he and i...

a lesson to take would be that its the special moments, although not as "i" would imagine-how they are supposed to be...

Optimistic

you know a lot of times in life, the day to day can sometimes get to you...

or try to get to you i'll say...

people can sometimes get to you...you know taking things personally and coming at you as if you are the person who is deliberately doing something "behind their backs" when clearly it isn't that we are doing something behind their backs...becasue CLEARLY you are just trying to do your job as well, or maybe you are just trying to live the best life you can live too, or maybe you are just trying to be a better person...

so what do you do...don't take it personally...as hard it may sound...

when life gets crazy and sometimes extremely hectic for us you know its best to keep pressing forwrad and to be optimistic about it all...

becasue you know what at the end of the day, as long as YOU know you did your best, you gave your all, and you did it whole heartedly without any malicous...you can look in the mirror and sayI can only be me...and smile...then no worries

life is good, its just a matter of picking your battles...picking yourself and brushing yourself off, and continuing to see life for what it is...half full, at least most of the time