The Gift of Good-bye

sometimes you see the signs and you want to ignore them
sometimes you want to make it work because you know that with any relationship, its going to be work...
but at the same time...you need to know your worth and be able to remain firm to your convictions and the things that you won't stand for or the things that you just know you can't do...

so as i stood at the door and heard those words come out of your mouth, believe me when i say that it hurt, it hurt more than you will ever fully know...

but i opened that door for a reason...if you didn't want to be here, there was no need in keeping the inevadable from occurring...

begging and pleading are things of the past...

you weren't sure, but then again, you were...you needed to go...you didn't want the "pressure" the confines of a relationship...

when you want to be with someone, you KNOW...

and if you don't KNOW...then its time to say good-bye...

So today as i sit and deal with the fact that we had a wonderful time together, you made me happy and i would hope that i did the same for you...but when it comes down to it...

i have the gift to say good-bye to you because its best for me....

UPDATE:
The words here say it all

HAM

so on Saturday i went like i always do to get my eyebrows waxed (and mind you they don't look that GREAT)...little did i know that this VERY simple task would lead to something truly horrid!

it started on Monday, a little circle of red bumps on my forehead...by Tuesday it had spread to my cheeks, upper lip and chin area,

by Wednesday my right eye was swollen...and by today....its stating to go down a little other than me BARELY being able to see because now BOTH of my eyes are swollen!


yea i know right...needless to say i was able to get into the dermatologist office yesterday and she said that it was definitely the wax or cleaner that they used...my face looks like "you rubbed poison oak all over it" i was given a steroid and some lotion to use and told that in about 6 days it should be clear and that by this evening (yea right, again do you see my face!) i should be looking like myself...

terrible...and what makes it worse is that i went to the nail salon (Nail Trix in Bowie Town Center) they were acting like, well you just have sensitive skin, nothing we can really do about it...they use Honey Wax...but offered no refund no assistance NOTHING, they claim to never reuse sticks and that the wax it in clean containers...but i don't know if i believe them...further they were NASTY and I was actually being NICE

...so i will be contacting the better business bureau on this one...yes its true you can't predict how your skin will react to stuff...but in my 10 years of getting waxes this has NEVER happened...

just needed to vent...

so know i have to go around looking like the dude from that Hunchback movie, or Gina on Martin (the HS Reunion episode) because I got to much to do at work...


UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

Update:

I am looking more like me again today...

man....Happy Marvelos Monday!

so i couldn't really sleep last night....

got up this morning, got showered and dressed looking like imma be out the door by 7:15 which means imma be at work early...YES!

well it didn't work out that was...

as i was washing my face, i notice red bumps, on my forehead lookin all crazy...ok, i had an allergc reaction to something...

ok now i am dressed and what happens i get something on my WHITE shirt...dag on it...the stain wouldn't come out...dag on its so (and i was looking cute too) all the while HE is fussin on the phone saying "just change the top" he's right i am wasting too much time...
now i have to change tops, ok well this color looks better with the skirt...need to get out of the house

get to safeway to get some benadryl for my face, no one is at the register...
get on 50 track why because there is some big ol pool on the OTHER side as a advertisement...

i get off the train, coming up the escalator, my skirt is about to blow over top of my head...thankfully the lady behind me pulled it down...


so i say all of that to say...regardless of all of these events, including HIM whining this mornin...i am STILL in a GREAT mood...this only confirms that we really do in fact CHOSE our attitudes...maybe GOD kept me in the house a little longer to keep me from danger, kept me at Safeway a little longer so that i could remember i also needed lotion, had traffic on 50 so that i could listen to some gospel and get my spirit & mind right before i got on the train...my skirt almost blowing up because the lady behind me may have needed a laugh, or to feel needed and to have a kind word spoken to her this morning....

everything happens for a reason so just give thanks and keep pressing on....

weekend in review

Friday-

was chill enough
busy at work from beginning to end and left there to do a new after school program entitled
"Music & Morals" basically its a project that is tied into a larger after school program that will teach students how to do music production, video production, and/or web development.

Kiamsha was hired to teach both "Music & Morals" and Entrepuneralship. I (point person) will be teaching the morals portion, along with other Kiamsha alum, about Kiamsha principles, such as the absolute truth and conviction/preference. The point of this is to get them to understand the importance of integrity when creating art....
its really long and draw out the plan, but its what I do, and I love it...working with young people, and doing music....I am excited!

For the most part the students seem to receptive to the program so we are going to have some fun, learn and grow! So every Friday (except for a few here and there) that's where I will be....

After that I came home took out the cornrows and went to sleep

Saturday-

i got up earlier than i do even for work 5:45am (its amazing what scarifices you are willing to make for something that you want to do) so that I could be to hair shop by 7am...
i got some long kinki twists...
i like them a lot...HOWEVER
i was in there until friggin 5pm...much longer than i had anticipated...and it didn't help that the lady took a 30 minute client (cornrows) near the end...needless to say i was cranky and hungry...

so when i left i barely had enough time to get my eyebrows done (mind you i had planned on getting the works done, eyes, mani/pedi-but THAT DID NOT happen), pick up a couple of items from Target, come home and clean up before I left to go see my cousin Jasmin sing...

So me and KC go and see her sing with Mya for the Sigrams Gin Live tour...

in the mean time in between time, the doors weren't opening until 11pm, and I was hungry still (I had only had a half of a chicken steak sub at my people's house...) so I was like you know what...there is a little cafe across from the 9:30 Club so let's (me and KC) get something to eat...

needless to say it was a whole in the wall, but I was in deed hungry...so well KC just got something to drink, I ordered steak, rice and salad (all for $11.99) and let me tell you it was GOOD! But isn't that always the case...its the whole-in-the-wall joints that got the good cheap food...so I am now full and ready to party...

The show started late and off slow, the Clipse were HOT (they walked around afterwards and were chillin like normal folks) and then comes Mya and more importantly my cousin...MAN did they blow...matter fact Mya sings a lot better than I thought...she was totally underrated(under used) in that Lady Marmalade (sp???) joint...she can sing and dance...and my cousin did the dag on thang...but by 2am, I was tired and ready to go...not to add that we stood up the entire time...so my feet were on fire...so i get home and got to bed...

Sonday-

i get up this morning at like 7/8 am...i can't sleep late, EVEN though i had JUST went to bed about 3...
HE is sick from a sinus infection (he came back briefly from ATL and is going back) so no QT

so today...that's cool thought because I am tired and just want to chill...
i decided to just get up and take back the digital camera that i bought from Target and let that be IT for the day...well it didn't happen...i ended up walking around Target...get like one of the BEST mani/pedi i had in a long time...Andy worked my feet...weww and I needed that so relaxing...

then i needed to get bridal shower invites, needed to get some open toed wedges for work and go to the grocery store...

so i left home at 11am and didn't get back in here until 3pm...

came home wrote out bills, did the invitations and an e-vite, cooked, washed, and all off of what 4-5 hours of sleep...

i've been running on E since last week....man...


but now I am about to eat and get ready for the work week...imma sport my freshly painted toes, cardigane set and shoes tomorrow...got to look fresh with the new braids and all...lol

all in all it was busy...i have been running every day...but at least i get to chill tonight...


hope you all had a good weekend...

Corporate GF

so i just realized something...

I am a corporate girlfriend (OK for most of you, you didn't know it was official...YES I have a boyfriend...and YES its weird to say after being dolo for 2 years...but anywho)

He is a Director for Research & Development for a large bio-chemical firm in Maryland, actually its a global firm that is based out of Germany, which means that he will be flying there at LEAST (could be more) twice a year, and flying across the country and world for various other meetings, workshops, conventions, conferences, you name it he has to go...

At first it wasn't so bad, but his travel scheule has started to pick up....the travel is set to slow down after his current trip...but still

the current trip is to Atlanta and he won't be back until the 29th...yes the 29th...
he just left yesterday...

so here is the other compounded issue...

he lives in Reston, VA...which from Bowie, MD is like a whole nother world...45 mins-hour away...

we rarely (NO we do NOT) see each other during the week, because he is working, I am working, he is tutoring, and I tutoring/mentoring and doing Kiamsha stuff...

so that leaves the weekends...and a lot of phone conversation...which for the most part WORKS for us...


I care about this man, like deeply, in your soul type of connection type, on my mind all the time type stuff...that's my homie, my boi, my friend, my ace, he's really a GREAT GUY (yea I know deep right)

i mean really he gets me...if that makes sense, he can put up with me and put me in my place (i have an extremely powerful personality, i am extremely complex as well and get beside myself at times...so i need a man with a strong personality that can pull me back) without demeaning me...we have had our ups and downs but that's my homie

But now I am starting to really think...

like if this is going somewhere (which I hope it is, and we are starting to talk about "the future") then what is going to happen if I become a corporate wife?????

Like seriously...can I handle him being away for weeks at a time? Handling the house and the kids and life just me with out him? only for him to be on the other end of a phone? seriously can i handle this? don't i want a man that can have dinner with his family every night? or be at home to help me tuck in the kids? heck tuck his WIFE in?

*deep breath*

We had a serious conversation about 2 weeks ago and he was really feeling some type of way about his schedule and the time we would be able to spend together, and that it would really hard on the both of us....i totally reassured him that I would be supportive and understanding and we WOULD definitely get through this...especially the next 7 months or so as he get adjusted to his job...

man, 7 months, that's a long time...11 days apart is a long time...

now don't get it twisted ...I do NOT regret my decision (life is too short for regrets)

he is a good guy...we could honestly grow together, we have a lot in common but enough about us is different that we are constantly learning from each other, we talk, laugh, joke, do the dozens...

but man...can I really be a corporate girlfriend? this is going to require a lot of trust? but i do trust him, i couldn't be with him if I didn't (been there done that...no point)

i know what it is i am having a moment...i am sitting here thinking and missing him and having a moment...i am definitely going to be patient, understanding and supportive just like i said i would...

i just needed to get this out...this is the first time that i have been in this situation, my last "real" relationship was long distance and i just got used to NOT seeing him, but i am older now and need attention and time spent with that special someone in my life...but if that special someone is going to be in corporate ameriKa then that means that i have to get used to this...used to be home alone, used to depending on the phone...that's a lot to get used to...

to be continued....definitely

...any tips, hints, input on this one?

I joined....

yes after much debate adn everyone asking me I finally did it, I joined...not what you are thinking...

cause ain't NO WAY I am joining that site...

but I did finally join FACEBOOK...

so there...

off to the woods I go...

but i feel like i have sooo much to do right now today....
i can't leave work, not just yet because i have so much that i need to do...
two more systems that i need to develop and put into place...man this is truly deep...
hopefully i will get out of here by 6pm...
i still need to go to pay a bill, i want some Nike boots for the weekend and a hoodie and shirt...
i also want to stop past best buy and see what digital cameras they have on sale so that i can take some pics...
if i don't get one now i will never get one...

oh, yea back the woods...
our annual Kiamsha Conference is this weekend...well this year we are calling it Kiamsha Leadership Retreat...we aren't taking any outside youth, just OUR youth so that we can bond with them and work on their leadership skills...i am really looking forward to it...i actually always do...

so we leave bright and early tomorrow morning and don't return until Saturday night...
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this mornings conversation was EXTREMELY refreshing...
it was really wonderful that i didn't have to ASK you to take me and pick me up for the Kiamsha trip, but that you wanted to, KNOWING that would mean you meeting my youth and my mentors...you are a brave dude...those people will eat you ALIVE...lol
but that's only because they love me! I am sure that they will like you....you are such a likable dude...

too bad they won't meet you because you now have to go out of town for your job...

our conversation this afternoon was as equally special to me...you thought that i would be upset that you will be gone for 11 days...but its cool you gotta do what you gotta do...i will be here...we'll talk daily and we'll work it out...if we need to make date nights during the week then that's what we have to do...

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people on my job still stressin me out...not the job....people
got a lot more work to do...
but its really that "special" person her that gets under my skin...man...really
but hey today is my Friday so why trip
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i have to go to court on monday to testify against the folks that broke into my apartment in november. now why is it that i got to go and testify...these bamas already know where i live...i must be honest and say i don't feel comfortable with this...but hey i gotta go

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all in all life is chill people...life is chill...

looking forward to the youth
looking forward to me and him bonding on yet another level while he is away...
looking forward to bonding with me...
looking forward to just being...

Peace people