married

i am now a married woman
i am still processing
i was calm
i was sure
i was happy
i had a blast

we are still taking it all in

i am married

9 days to go and a lesson about life

yesterday marked 9 days to our wedding day
pretty darn exciting right
and it is

but on the 9th day i went to see an old friend and mentor LJ

she is the Executive Director of my previous job and she has always had a special place in my heart

I was in my mid twenties when i started working there and really going through a rough patch in life

we spent so much time together traveling all over the country we developed a bond
she's a mentor for me and i her lil tc

we normally got together once a year, but since last year i haven't been able to "make the time" to visit with her

i was soooooooooooo busy running back and forth to Philly and being engaged and all these things that it took me a year exactly to see her again

and all i could do was think about all the time that i had missed

see LJ has terminal cancer
lung and spin

she's pretty sick
so sick i had to help her last night as she was having a bad day

i have seen cancer
i have seen sickness and death
and with those closest to me

so that doesn't bother me
i watched her
held her
cleaned it up and threw it away

that was easy for me
i helped my other mentor and her good friend LB clean up her bedroom

what is hard for me
was that i have missed being there for her from day one

sometimes there aren't things you can say via email or text

she did finally tell me right before my shower via a phone call because she needed to see me and hug me before our wedding

so on the 9th day i made the time
and it was time well spent

it was peaceful for me
all the stress of people and their demands and what they want the day of or from you

and all she wanted to do was talk
and all i wanted to do was listen

she lives in the city and has always been one of my fav places to go

i sat there on the couch next to her and we just talked
LB and  i ate
she couldn't

it was a good evening
she said i made her day

my lesson was that life will continue to happen
but is it happening TO you
or are you HAPPENING TO LIFE

are we making the most of life?

i know that if she were to go tomorrow she's been all over the world
she's loved
she's lived
she's mentored
she's poured back into those in her life

i think she's getting tired
she's in a lot of pain
she has no husband to take care of her
no kids to come and stay with her
she does have plenty of friends
and she is full
not empty for sure
but still...
it makes me understand just how much of a blessing just sharing life with someone is

she's still coming to our wedding
i told her well get a room at the hotel so you can come to the ceremony and then go upstairs and rest and come back down

and no matter how much pain or discomfort she feels right now
she said she wouldn't miss it for the world

that's love
not luv
love

so i will make time to spend with her
to check on her
to give her hugs
with what little time we have left together

i enjoy her and i became who i am because of her

there are so many people who have influenced my life

made me the woman i am today

and i am definitely still a work in progress

8 days to go and i am still working to make sure i am centered and ready for this next phase

giving me life

...right now the blogs on my blog roll are giving me life this morning.
being at work by 6am takes a LOT out you
so it's cool to come in and read things that make you laugh, and think or get a little sad
it's just nice to have feelings this early in the morning!
it's easy to just you know be a robot this early

another thing giving me life is the fact that i have realized and stated that we ARE getting married in 2 1/2 weeks

it's hard to explain so i won't try other than to say
in the last ummmm 10 months we have experienced the hospitalization of a parent, the death of a family patriarch, my hospitalization, my major health issues, moving in together, raising a child together, and paying bills together

all REAL life things that normally happen over time to people have happened to us during the length of our engagement, most people can't stay married to one another while going through these things, let alone engaged (when you still have an out per se)

neither one of us left
neither one of us took an out

so we had a breakthrough in counseling on Tuesday night, that YES we are in fact getting married in 2 weeks

i didn't even realize that wasn't obvious
either we were or we weren't going to get married, there was no pushing back the date it either was going to be or it wasn't

i think people get into relationships, engagements, and even marriage with expectations
all these expectations

no matter how much you think you don't or won't have them, something creeps in

i personally, thought it was supposed to be the "happiest time in my life" and full of joy and butterflies and all smiles

but it hasn't been for us
i think we actually have been thrown into what most people experience the first year or living together AND what they experience when they first have a CHILD
when you lose a loved one
sick parents

so it wasn't like anything i thought an engagement "would be"

but it's been REAL and HEAVY

and it's shown me that we can get through a lot of things that most people can't even imagine making it through

i am excited that we have said that we are getting through it all
i am excited that at the end of the day we both still WANT to be married to one another

that is a wonderful feeling
in spite of EVERYTHING that life throws your way, when you STILL you want to be with someone and more importantly THEY STILL want to be with YOU...

well that's real life love

....

i want to write something profound
something to make me feel right
but right now
i feel like i done fell left
left handed
left minded
leftest thinking
tired
thinking about this new track on my playlist
#amsterdam
real...to the day i am deceased and even then i live through these beats...
#dope
and i don't even do MMG all like that
it's like those inner city blues with those cashmere thoughts
a total contradiction to itself
that's how i feel a lot of times
i wonder if they going to give Teedra a real single other than singing backup
who knows....
last weekend was epic
yes epic
my shower was epic
my dress was epic
don't believe me

check this out

jaj did her thing right?

it's pretty cool to be surrounded by such awesome people!
you see me and my mommy at the end
and my BMs aren't they all cute?
it's a day i'll always remember!
They truly outdid themselves

it was LOVE

yea i'll end there

being a wife and mother

...there is something about those two words that bring me the greatest joy and the greatest fear that i've ever felt

the love and joy that you feel as a wife and a mother is something you can't put into words
you just can't

but it's also one of the scariest things i have ever felt
God does not give us a spirit of fear
but i have it
if they are gone and it's raining i just start praying
i am constantly praying for their safety and safe return home

as a wife i need to be a help mate and let him lead, even when i can't see the outcome
that is scary, because that means putting total trust in another human being, to do the right thing, or the best thing all the time...it requires a blind faith, that's why choosing a man of God is so important because i you are trusting in him, you have to trust that he's trusting in God and praying and meditating as much as you are
there's the fear of losing myself
i have been on my own for a long time
i have also always been the only girl and the youngest
so developing my own person, my own personality has been something that i have really worked hard to do

i have worked hard in life to get where i am
and to be ok where i am and now that process must start all over again
and add two please

two people

and the wanting to be a GOOD wife and i really mean being a GOOD wife
someone who is supportive and understanding
loving and gentle
firm but soft
warm and inviting
and strong but not overbearing

that's a lot of things for one person to be
i was raised by one of those women
but i fought so hard NOT to be this woman that depended on a man
and as a matter a fact
my parents BOTH raised me to NOT depend on a man
that not depending on a man, made me a tad hard and so a lot of the soft virtues that a wife and mother has to have are things that i am constantly in prayer about

now the other word MOTHER
that word
so beautiful
having a child love you, and love you like no other
yesterday i was upset, due to health issues wondering if i'll have another child...we have one beautiful little boy, but i have always wanted another child, and when seeing me cry, this little person, comes up to me and says, "it's ok mom, don't cry, what is it, does your stomach hurt" and begins to rub it
he's THREE!
that love you can't even put into words
but the worry
is he ok during the day
is he getting all he needs from the school he's in
is he warm
did he take his allergy meds
are kids being mean to him
like you have another person who you are completely and totally responsible for!
my mother was a GREAT example of that as well
and she was also great in that she made sure i was around other women who were GREAT at being a wife and a mother

it's one of those things, you just don't want to fail at
you can't fail at
but you have two other people who you have to work with and so you may fail at it
and failure has NEVER been an option for me

the fact that being a wife and a mother is partial under my control, but not totally is the "issue" if you will

i am excited!
it's a new phase in life
not a final phase
but the phase of who to love is over
the process of loving is always going be a journey

but life is a journey right, not the destination
it's about living right?

just going to do my best and use the next 45 days to pray and grow and dig deep into myself so that i am giving the best that i got!

ehhhhh

wish that's how i truly felt
but annoyed is more like it
i think i need to blog more just to, well say what is going on
i remember when blogging was at it's height between what 2006-2008
we would all communicate and share or not
but you felt a sense of community in blog land
people cared
friendships were built
all cyber but nonetheless built
some friendships didn't grow
some beef actually was established and people called out
but at it's height blogging was everything that was, well what us bloggers started blogging for in the first place

now things have changed and although some blogs stay true to what they started for
others have evolved into something else

and it's the right of the blog and the blog world to change
even my blog has changed and become more about love than trying to find love
or more about nothing since my blogging is so none consistent
everything is just all over the place

and that's how i feel right now
that it's all, all over the place

ehhhhh

been a min...randomness

it's been almost two months since i've blogged
a lot has happened
some good
some bad
some indifferent
hospital stays tend to be bad, my stay was indifferent, you just don't get rest in the hospital
you need to come home to rest
the good was that it was cancer
the bad it's still graves
reality is that i am on heart medication and therefore have to learn to not stress

HA!
i find that laughable when planning a wedding and being under 60 days to Wday
i find that laughable when there is a 3 year old running around that needs love, care, and the very best, it's true the love and joy and heartbreak and pain are one in the same for a parent
i find that laughable when i work where i work and i do what i do
that means that i may need to consider a career change
which will mean that i will probably need to really re-up my resume

i need a job that will allow me to work from home on at least a day a week

i haven't sat in the dark on my bed with just me and the laptop lady and music in a while
and i am digging it

raheem devaughn is currently playing...his first two albums are still classic to me
with so much going on the dark with just the lil light
with all the health changes have come a lifestyle change
i don't eat red meat or pork, but not it seems that some seafoods are high in iodine and pretty much i don't need that...so i am trying a lot of vegan options because i also don't eat anything containing lactose
with heart medication being added to the mix that means no more drinking no more cigars
not that i am a lush
but i do like my drank and my cigar
especially if i have a bad day...whelp that means i need to figure out how to deal with a bad day while watching my stress level

so i have found myself praying more and more...just talking and processing a lot in that quiet dwelling place
SN: weird to say that after talking about dranking

but the point is being raised in church and loving GOD doesn't mean that you fully or actively pursue a relationship with him...some years have been better than others some months, moments, but for the past month or so i have had no choice but to really dig deep, deeper than i have in a long time...not because i am sick but because i have to deal and you can't talk to people about what is going on with you
you can, but they got their own stuff, they have their own life, issues, whatever...
so i find myself in the house and when i get a quiet moment i take it...
that makes me feel better

i don't know...i am at peace but not really
way to much left to do
every day i try to do something else so that i can say ok that's done
it's just the little things you know

overwhelmed

my bridal shower is coming up and i am excited about it
didn't think i would be
but the dress that one of my MOHs picked for me to wear has me excited
total 50s glam
it's going to be different and i am happy about that

i am now also a stan for the artist Daley...dude is dope...those who wait...

i need some more new good music something to help me soothe my soul
never take your health for granted something as simple as a heart that functions correctly
something like being able to walk without getting tired or short of breathe...

take your moments and take your place in this world