45

is the number of pounds as in L Bs i have lost since last summer...

it's funny, i don't recall being under 200lbs in the most recent past, maybe in my early to mid 20s
but ever since my late 20s i have gone between 200-227 (my highest weight) if i did break 200 it was like 199, 196 something like that...nothing that was ever SOLID in terms of my weight loss

i took every diet you could take
no carbs
no fruit
no soda
no juice
only cabbage soup
only veggies
counting calories
counting points

you name it I tried it

have you ever been the one of something? like the one black person, the one white person, the one tall person, the one light person, the one brown person, or the one (i won't say fat) thick person

that was me

ALL of my girlfriends are smaller than me
always have been
i remember in high school being a size 10 and still feeling fat, always trying to be small like my friends
at one point during my freshman year i reach a size 6, and my mother was literally upset at the sight of my small frame, everything had gone, my chips, dips, and HIPS

ok so that doesn't work

what should i do

then you had the fact that i can't have diary products, and therefore no longer get the calcium and vatimin D that's needed to cut fat

well then you have the person that is no longer styling and is now just hididng

i tried my best to stay fly, but it was difficult
watching all my other girls wear the newest trends, knowing i needed Aline and not a pencil skirt

something that simple, not being able to find a piece of clothing, a skirt, can really derail you as a woman

then add that, you are now a woman and you don't feel your best

at most you are always cute...that's it, you are the homegirl's girl...
it's like the movie justwright, always over looked....

and then you have the weight

at one point, i went to the doctor and i was told, look you are vitamin D deficient...you need that up
once you get that up, the weight (which needed to come off for various reason, such as my asthma and joints) would just come off!

it's funny when people started to say things, i didn't know how to take it
well one, the are you ok question is always weird
YES I AM FINE
then, what are you doing?
NOTHING
really? are you sure you are ok then?
YES I AM FINE
oh, OK

its funny but not, its just one of those things that we tend to suffer from in silence, the lack of confidence for one reason or another...

so now i am going through this, yet again, weight journey, i bought some pants last week, in my former size, and they CLEARLY are to big...but i didn't know that, i had no clue that my body was going down the way that it is until i noticed i can't just grab and go anymore in my fav store
that's a good thing
almost being the size i was when i first met my fiance at 19, is a good thing, BUT it shouldn't be such a thing

why can't I just lose weight, no as a matter a fact

WHY HAS MY WEIGHT ALWAYS BEEN THEIR ISSUE

yes their issue, other people, someone besides myself
when i was little i was too scrawny
when i was older i was too big

I think, or know rather, that the purpose of my sharing this story is that i want people to be OK within
just be OK with yourself
big
little
tall
short
light
dark

society, family, friends, strangers, they all place such an emphasis on who YOU should be, that sometimes its hard for you to even find a voice of your own, for you to even SEE yourself for who you really are
my weight, your weight, hair color, eye color it should matter, it should be WHO you are that matters most
BE OK with who you are and how you are made in HIS image

that's the point i am trying to make
 we all tend to have some insecurities, but don't let what others say to you dictate who you "should" be to them, dictate who you are to yourself

LOVE YOURSELF no matter what

T

Soooo

i have been away from blogging (not reading) since MARCH!
that's 2 months ago

FOR SHAME on me
i need to blog more but there are a couple of things that need to happen
1. i need more time in the day
2. i need more sleep at night
3. i need more time for myself
4. this daily situation needs to change

i am sooooooooo OVER this, i am not doing what i would like to do be doing and i want to change that
every 3 years i get an itch to reinvent this whole position situation and since i didn't get what i signed up for i think its time to change

TO BAD ITS AT A TIME I SHOULDN'T WANT TO CHANGE

as ya'll know i's getting marrieds so that's enough in and of itself

we need an ADDITIONAL $6000 to get this wedding done the way it needs to be done and RIGHT
i (he probably doesn't care)  don't want to pay vendors AFTER I have the wedding so i just need to get this stuff DONE

thank goodness counseling is free, but they are one of the vendors i need to pay that didn't ask to be paid

i have like 3 of those vendors

so i want things paid for and done and over with

then there is still the adjustment of going from ONE person to THREE people....your family comes first so most times its not even about me

which leads to me being completely exhausted most days with TONS of things to do that NEVER get fully done, or done right

and people keep asking me when do i want to add another baby in the mix!
why?
oh because little D isn't mine and i won't know the joys of motherhood until i carry a baby!

GTFOH!

that's what i want to say
who has a right to tell ME who I LOVE and HOW!
how DARE several people for acting like because i didn't birth him that means nothing
SO i guess adopted mothers don't truly LOVE their kids

again GTFOH with that foolishness

i don't love that child because of his daddy, i love him because I LOVE HIM!

period the end, even if we don't make it, i'll be his mother

raising a child is a LOT of work and why add another child in the mix when we are trying to get things under control with ONE

i've come to realize that people don't know what to say out of the mouths MOST of the time

think before you speak people

i would just get married tomorrow and call it a day

honestly i am thinking about it, but i probably won't get that THOUSANDS of dollars spent back now

i just want it done so we can be a happy family and enjoy one another

we are happy and we do enjoy each other but not enough, you know


come ON only 133 days left!

down time

that's what we have right now
we have the location
the date
we have the colors
he knows what he's wearing
i know what I am wearing

most of the contracts have been signed and those that haven't can wait until May
for the ENTIRE month of April
i am NOT doing anything regarding this wedding...

its ONLY one day
that's it
1

we have agreed to reduce the list and try our best to ensure that its those that matter the most are there and that is the bridal party and our closest family and friends

so we will definitely enjoy the day

BUT we are going to focus on making sure that we are ok as a family AND that we get ready for our wedding

i have a GREAT guy who looked at the bigger picture and uprooted himself to be with me
not because it was easy but because it was the better option

most women have to uproot for the man, but this MAN uprooted for me

so i want to take time and enjoy him and lil mini him and work towards full and true peace within our household

our entire relationship before and now was long distance

NOW we have a chance to get to know one another on another LEVEL deeper and pure

and make the choice to love each other unconditionally

redo to renew

i don't know how it got done but it DID

probably because of him, no it was because of HIM
i was at work

two additional people are now living in, no longer my, but our home

OUR

its funny and its still something i can't fully comprehend
they have moved away from everything they have ever known to be here with me
i don't think that's something that you could ever wrap your head around to understand

normally its the woman that packs up everything for the family, not the man, but i am the more career established person
i had the house
it just made more sense to be here...

so he came

its still not official they are going back, but the stuff is in the house...

so its now a matter of redoing several rooms...one of which the basement has already been done...

we are redoing and it makes me feel renewed...

i am sorting through my personal things to make room for their things

one house was full of ONE persons foolishness things i have held on for years have to GO!

there isn't any room for those things
and the thing is those THINGS filled a void and now that the void is filled with love, the things are no longer important because they are just that THINGS

he doesn't do clutter
he doesn't do stuff
he needs streamlined everything

so i have promised to DOWN size by at least 50% and that is EXACTLY what i'll be doing all weekend long

downsizing
reflecting
and renewing

my house is now a home!

blogging

i need to

i am busy

its this wedding

its a lot

someone dropped out

insanity

i should've just had my two

itsallgoodthough

263 days

that's how long i have before i become a m.r.s.

can you believe it?

i have my venue
i have my dress, my veil, my jewelry, and i know what shoes i want

i know what dresses i want the girls to wear
you name it, its done

that's a good thing

i have yet to really process the meaning of being a wife and a mother

i need time to do that
i need time to purge and make room in my house

i need to do a lot of things not even so much externally but internally
i need to work on my patience
i need to learn to be more positive and enjoy the little things a lot more than i do now

there are a lot of things that need to get down in the next 263 days

but the good thing is i know that i am up for it

i just have to really get out of this selfish state that i currently find myself in
i don't want to do a lot of things i know i wife must do
you know like let stuff go
trust him to make the right decision
things like that

don't get me wrong the man has proved to me that he knows how to make a decision
however, this is the blessing and the curse of getting married in your 30s
you know how to take care of yourself and you know what you want
but those same things can put you in the mindset of I don't need no man

ha
but i do want one and the one i want is HIM

so we'll make it work
and i know it will be OK

still

hasn't set in yet that i am engaged but it has set in that i am getting married?

doesn't sound right and it isn't...
i am presently being pressed out to find a venue and select a date
and while i get this need, without the venue you can't have a date...and a lot of times the venue determines the date

i wasn't prepared for picking colors or different ones
finding dresses for the girls
finding a dress for myself
thinking about flowers
budget and more budget

all these things that really only encompass ONE day of my life!
that's it just ONE

i am doing all that is required because well i am picky, he is picky and we want things done a certain way...but at the same time i am also really ready to focus on the two main things:
being a WIFE and being a MOTHER

those are the two things that I personally need to work on

and the best way for me to do those things is to work on and strengthen my relationship with the Almighty

I need to talk to strong women in Christ that understand what it takes to be married

we got into this weekend, nothing major as we tend to bicker over minor things, and it hit me that i can't just up and leave, i can't up and just let it be, we have to WORK it out and through it

I need patience
he needs understanding

we both need a lot of things actually

so i am just looking to work on the things that we need in pre-marital counseling...both spiritually and practically...

i need to understand my purpose as a Wife biblically speaking and i need to know his expectations
i also need to understand his expectations as a mother to lil D...

i also need for him to know my expectations...

so although i am planning a wedding
i am focused on my marriage...

i refused to just get caught up in a day for 300+ (i know insane but that's the number) people but the FOUR at the center of it all-HIM, me, O and lil D