umi says....searching

"i ain't no perfect man, I'm to do the best that i can with what it is i have"

man if that doesn't sum up how i am feeling

so i am finally back to work, and i am still not as motivated as i should be....

"tomorrow may never appear, you better hold this very moment close to you....SO CLOSE TO YOU"

it's 107 days until my birthday...doesn't seem like that long of a time being that its already April 19 and all the days since last April 19 seem like a huge blur...

momma didn't lie

"sometimes i get discouraged....sometimes i feel crying...sometimes my heart gets...sometimes you just wanna leave and fly away...sometimes i don't know what to do with myself...feel like a man (woman) going insane"

DUDE that's exactly how i feel...

"sometimes i don't want to be bothered...sometimes i don't want to be a solider"

DUDE that's exactly how i feel...

i am tired...and i have all these feelings all these thoughts all these emotions that just keep coming and going coming and going coming and going coming and going

all these questions about where i am or where i should be...but dude where is it that i should be??? at 29 years old what more can i accomplish why is it that

i feel so fulfilled and so empty all at the same time

"...see butterflies up in the sky I'm searching...what's right is right and what's wrong is wrong...i'll live in a truthful way...searching searching searching searching searching searching searching searching searching searching....."

I WANT TO BE FREE!

the corner

i am sitting here nodding my head to common

the corner...trying to stay awake on a saturday night...dude i could easily go to sleep right now and its what 8:25pm EST

reallY???

oh well...i was up at 7:30 this morning and was running around all day long...and i am finally eating again which ROCKS

my brother told me i was old...i told him yea because clearly i prefer to spend money on things that will last rather than go out and waste it partying...

just like i am still figuring out this new machine i am still figuring out myself...

my mentor told me today that she doesn't think that any of us have figured out who we are just yet, not us older ones and not the younger ones...i told her i completely agreed with her and that i knew i hadn't figured out who i was...but i always remember that madea said you never fully know anyone therefore you can never know yourself because we are always growing and evolving

i do know that i would like to one day be fully comfortable inside and out with myself and every time i think i am ok, i figure out that i am not...

majorly sucks!

here i am less than 4 months from 30 and i am still like really can i get a grip already

whenever i feel like this i turn inward and i listen to music and i know that with some prayer and focus i'll be ok that's for sure

she lives in my lap...

....my new MacBook Pro

definitely will be living in my lap...just got my new computer today

and i am definitely IN LOVE

although the initial set up was about to prove to be a task because my brother has no patience so he was acting a fool when i asked him to help me with the wireless for the house...had he been IN the house to help me with the task maybe it wouldn't have been as eventful but telling me instructions over the phone doesn't help because he can't see what i am talking about...eventually i got it

it doesn't help that he is already annoyed with me because i tried a detox and all veggie detox thing this week that ended up with me being taken out of my office on a stretcher in an ambulance...

yea i know way to much i still can't eat anything and as my brother stated i did in fact end up

"detoxin the mess out of" my body...

i've been in a funky mood you dig maybe being rushed to the hospital and not having my mommy here was the definite wake up call to having me feeling all alone...i had family around me and a couple of friends but dude i felt way alone

que lio

UPDATED:

dude my spirits have really been in the dumps lately...i am hoping that i begin to feel more like myself SOONER THAN LATER i think a ME weekend is just what i need

allergies

enough said

what's up, what's haapinin'

...all you haters just get at me...so all i got to say is what UP!

not that i feel like anyone is hating on me in particular because i definitely don't feel that...but in keeping up with what's wrong in my ears as i blog...

the other TIP is definitely rocking...

most people don't even know that one of my (many) nicknames is TIP man i have had that nickname is 2003, lil big sis gave me that name...as a play on my real name

my god-sons even called me that because they couldn't pronounce the "f" in my name...

i need see them dudes that's for sure...

i actually have a couple of things to do this weekend i need to make sure i clean up tomorrow evening...the window folks are coming to the house to do a estimate tomorrow evening...i should ask my uncle to come over and see what they say...

i also need to get someone to come and look at my yard and landscape it...i have never been one to decorate or know what it is to put things together especially with a yard so i know i am not going to go and find flowers to plant...i do want a rose bush mines was destroyed during the snow and my mom always kept rose bushes so i want to keep that tradition going...and then i want stuff that only need to be watered like weekly or something like when i wash the truck i'll remember to water the plants...something that simple

i have decided that i am going to go and buy a mac this weekend

i don't have a computer the Dell died and i don't want a PC anymore soooo....moving on...

i can't keep my hair out anymore, i MUST weave it back up because being natural in the summer and needing or having to workout at least 4 times a week, its not going to work...

oh i haven't heard from dude...HA CLASSIC! he need not even attempt to call it was done when i pulled off...i have no patience what so ever...

"a woman's worth" is CRANKING...
how ironic as i move onto the next thing i have discovered lately about myself...

another thing that i realize is that i am not even IN THE GAME anymore...i have really taken my heart out of the game...why because there is a 50/50 chance of losing and i don't feel like losing anymore, so why even attempt...i only discovered this because i was talking to the bf about someone else and then the light bulb went off in my head, it was an "ah ha" moment...so even before the movie situation, he didn't have a chance...he just had a lot of baggage, not that i don't because we all do...but hey i am just not in the mood to even deal with someone else's mess...

*shurgs* it is what it is...one day i'll be back there!!! i mean i do love love...that's for real...i mean Jill sings about it in "he loves me" man they live version you can't help but get goose bumps! that's what i want that's what i deserve and until then i am chilling...not that anyone is perfect but he'll see me and i'll see him in our perfect imperfections...

"unbreakable" is playing...

makes me think of jac and mj...their love is truly unbreakable and i am so in love with that!!! their day is coming up fast as a matter a fact its exactly a month away from today...and i'll be there excited and ready to do whatever they need me to do to make the day go off without a hitch because they deserve to have May 1st to be EVERYTHING that they ever dreamed...but most of all they get that its not about the day but about the marriage...that's why they are unbreakable they get it, they respect it, and they are totally happy and WANT to marry each other...

YOUNG BLACK LOVE LIVES!!!!

me, myself, & i....

its just me, myself and i
Mirror mirror on the wall
Tell me mirror what is wrong?
Can it be my De La Clothes
Or is it just my De La Soul
What I do ain't make believe
People say I sit and try
But when it comes to being De La
It's just me myself and I
It's just me myself and I

sooooo glad that i didn't think that friday was a date because had i done so my little feelings would have been MAD hurt

ok so i was driving...not that big of a deal but when we decide on a time i would think that you would be ready and NOT getting a shirt made...

so i go ON TIME to get this dude he's at the mall getting a shirt made, when do i find this out, when i call to say i am outside...

it'll be done in 5-10 mins

15 minutes later i call back he doesn't answer so i left!

yes i left...it was already like 7:20 they movie started at 8 it was opening night and i wasn't going to miss a movie that i had pre-paid for

PLUS its just plain RUDE to make plans with someone and then you go and do something else and are running late....

now maybe had he said to me, well i gotta run up the street and get this shirt made before we go, i would have been more understanding...HOWEVER when i only find out what the real deal is because i am not waiting on you...that's a problem....

so i left he called back and i informed him that i had left and was on my way...he tried to say something about me not having patience or whatever it was i told him he was inconsiderate and clearly only cared about what it was that he had to do and never mind our plans...

because i have absolutely no problem going to the movies dolo i went had a good time...it was a good movie and a good crowd...after that i came home...

the cycling class after shock kicked in saturday morning and even more today...

i guess me walking around the mall didn't help any...but i needed to get my dress for jac wedding...its really nice and flattering...cream and chocolate....she wanted us to wear cream...her little sister and i went...it was between that and a green dress...jac liked the cream so the cream it was!

nothing much else going on...

20 feet tall

i am totally IN love with the new badu CD...

"you built a wall that was 20 feet tall...but if i get off my knees i remember i am 20 feet tall"

dude how real is that

if we would only stop crying or seeing the negative all the time we would remember that we are totally bigger than our problems...

i went to a cycling class today...what was supposed to be an hour session turned into two hours with sprints, step aerobics, and cycling do that all again and then add abs at the end...

yea tomorrow i will be feeling the burn...

i am going to go back next saturday for just the hour class...ONLY because i have a hair appointment...

yes I AM that vain because my hair is ALL natural so when i sweat its in my head and my hair looks like who done it which way from sideways...
as soon as i walked in to the salon my stylist was like
"who take her back to the bowl RIGHT NOW"
i told her that i had just finished working out and she was like "what like JUST NOW"
HA
CLASSIC!

i had an early dinner with my sis jac...she is so cute and ready to be a wife! totally happy for her ya dig...now i just got to find a dress for the event....uggggggggg

my jeans are fitting loser that's always a plus...

i am going on i guess a date to the movies...is it a date if you don't consider it to be one?

i surely don't! hope he doesn't think so either...

badu has another song called fall in love (your funeral)

LOVES IT! its my jam maybe because that's the way that i currently feel right now like uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugggggggggg

love NEXT

to busy loving me right now i don't have the patience...

but i am going to go see "why did i get married too?" i am too funny i guess i am still a romantic at heart no matter what...

my brother detailed my truck or is currently detailing the whip...loves it i shall be riding kewn this weekend...

well that's all for now...

peesh