is

having one of those days that's turned into one of those weeks that has turned into one of those months for months on end....

now the check engine light is on and i must leave the truck overnight so what do i do for a car for the next couple of days....

solo dolo once again and it sucks majorly
thought i was done with that part of my life, oh well back to 0 and i do mean 0 i am tired so i am done for a while

but when you're 29 never been married and have no kids

yea

i can't do it all i can't be it all and i am tired

you...

ever feel like you are just fighting.
everyday you get up and you are figthing something
a job
a spouse
LIfE

that's how i am feeling but i am fighting for ME
remember how hard i had to fight for peace for joy for me around this time last year. well i am back at it again...

with all that has happened to me i have found myself yet again fighting for me fighting for peace

yet again the day to day ends and outs overwhelmed me and instead of focusing on my core i became bitter angry confused snappy

and that's ok sometimes
but daily i was fighting just to get through the day

i went to chruch yesterday it was the first time in a month of sundays
its been a mighty long time
and the main thing was
"don't be a public success and a private failure"
that's how i feel i am doing ok in school not the best but not the worse but i know i'll make it
but privately i am struggling ever single day to remain sane...

so many relationships have been damaged or hurt by all that i have had to do these past few months they are slowly healing and eventually with prayer and work be fine
but some will never be the same some will never fully realize

my main prayer is that i will progress and be better than i was before all of this...

my aunt told me last night its no wonder that i am all over the place i have dealt with major life changes that most people deal with once a year maybe but i have dealt with all at one time back to back to back...
my parents leaving
moving
a new job
with weddings baby showers and everything in between

i feel like i am losing my mind i am just struggling

i bought this book the power of a praying woman i can relate to everything the book is saying so its definitely helpful...

one of my girls told me at the beginning of my 10 weeks i would learn alot abot myself and the relationships in my life and dag on it if she wasn't right

i have learned a lot and will continue to learn a lot about me at least i know what was missing my core and i will be ok in time i'll be ok

just hard

i don't know if i am cut out for this
i don't know if i can keep pressing forward
i keep feeling like ii am losing everyone around me that's close to me
not physically
but emotionally
the connections are not there anymore
i know that nothing in life that's worth having is easy but does it have to be this hard
its so just deafening...
i just want to be happy and full
every step i tend to take forward i seem to be taking back like 10
as soon as i feel like things are going to go well the next thing i know i get smacked in the face
do well on my oral imprutu get slammed the next day via the Socratic method in legal class
i have already been crying this morning on and off for the last hour or so...Ive cried so much and been so up and down over the past what 5 months its not even funny
all these changes all these life adjustments its sometimes too overwhelming for words
i just need to pray and pray and pray
man its times like these that i miss my parents the most and i wish that they were here with me
its a beautiful day outside and all i want to do is sit in my room in the dark
i guess its just one of those times in my life but what doesn't kill you makes you stronger right
i sure hope so

I am going away

my time will be very limited so i probably will not be able to blog or catch up with you all on blogs

you gotta make sacrifices in this life right especially if you want to grow and be a better person...

again talk about a year for growth everything continues to change and move and evolve i have been stretched and learning about myself more and more and more and even knowing what people "think that they know" and getting them to know that they don't know anything at all and neither do i...

ha

its all a process...

but i know i will come out on top i am so focused NOW FINALLY

its all falling into place and i had a revelation the other day...i am so blessed

i have a new job and a new HOME a house and i have a new LOVE

what a difference a year can make...

don't get me wrong my life is not perfect but its good and its going to keep getting better because its all a matter of letting go and letting GOD

yea most of us say it and we have faith but we are always holding on to that little bit of control we have in our lives or that little bit of control we want in our lives! but i realize i have no control over the bigger picture and that i have to have faith that things will work out has they are supposed to as long as i do my part and work to be the best person that i can be it will all work out...

so again i'll try my best to check in on ya'll but until then

be blessed my people!

peace

checking my fresh

or not so fresh attitude

man as you get older you have to take the rose colored glasses off people including yourself...
and man oh man have i come a long way but man oh man do i have a ways to go!

CLEARLY when anyone is stressed they can tend to be a little mean...well i was a LOT mean...and he was my punching bag, like any little thing he did i was ALL over it...bless his little heart for staying in there with me...

reality is i am not perfect and admittedly he thought i was up until that point...i know you guys are like what he thought she was perfect...but that's what he thought...

we got through it but man did i learn a lot about myself in the process like you really do not have to be mean to someone and when you need a break take a break like its not necessary to inflict pain others just because my life has been crazy...reality is i just wanted him around to make it all better but at the same time...yea i don't know

but i understand that you don't do that to those you care about...now don't get me wrong we all KNOW that in theory but i needed to learn how to love again...

that's it i am learning how to love not again, but to love in general...i have been through so much stuff and the walls are so high that i was just being mean to him...it was short lived but short is still to much...

we all have those moments they always say you hurt those closests to you but why...i dont' know maybe we think that they can take it, or maybe subconsciously we are testing them, whatever the reason is i know now not to treat him or anyone else like that...most of all i have learned not to treat ME like that!

i am going to learn to say NO that's right i have realized that me trying to be everything to everybody left NOTHING for me and when you leave nothing for yourself and you are just empty and drained you get mad and you get bitter...

so lesson learned

1 don't let it get like that! as much as i can i will make time for me even when life gets really hectic and will make sure that my heart, soul and spirit are taken care of

2 do NOT treat those you love care about care for, whatever, any which a way...they have feelings too...

3 i am not perfect and i can't do it all! so do what is in reason and keep it moving

i never want to let people down and in the end i let myself down because i have done to much...

yea i am all over the place

can you all relate? maybe you can maybe you can't...

learning to love (not again but like for the very first time) wow...another post another day

life...

has been a pure world wind adventure for me some of it good some of it not so good

its been what almost two months since i have blogged...i even started to write two blogs one around moving the other around being gone for a little over a month but neither time did i have the time to finish what was going on...

so 2009 has been a such a journey

let's recap

Feb got a promotion
April turned down the first job offer
May officially started dating again
June wedding #1, my parents LEFT for good and moved to Alabama of all places to retire, then FL for work, turned down the second job offer
July i moved into the house where the dag on contractors were NOT done with it my life was full of running to Lowe's and staying up late while they tried to finish for the rest of the month
almost even had to call the police at the end it was a HUGE drama because they were trying to over charge us and i wasn't having it...long story short the guy didn't know how to deal with females and so any time i said something it was like this HUGE issue and i had an "attitude" which of course caused problems with my brother because he thought i was just being nasty in the end though he finally realized dude wasn't about his work and was a jerk
lesson learned
August my birthday, visited my parents in AL, wedding #2, FINALLY decided i needed to take heed of the opportunity and go for it and start to build my future and on today the last day of the month i resigned from my job so that i can start a new one

and in between all of that i am in a relationship and the happiest i have EVER been in my life with a guy, EVER! like you know you're happy when people say it to you and say "man you sure look happy" or "i can hear it in your voice you are so happy" yea i am happy!

don't' get me wrong this dude got his ways and i got mines neither one of us is perfect but he gets me and he respects my drive and isn't intimidated by me at all...but neither am I. and i think that's the thing that makes it even more special its so real...like we aren't hiding behind the "representative" you know how most of the times when you start out with someone you get their "representative" and then about 3-6 months later its a whole nother person and you're like "ok and WHO are you because this isn't what i signed up for"

at the same time the little things about myself that i know i need to work on i want to work on because i just want to be a better person...

part of me wants to tell you guys all about him but the other part wants to just keep him close to me and near and dear to my heart so for now i'll just let he and I build, i'll say this we're friends first and that's an AWESOME feeling when you can just be around the person and just be you and be around them all day everyday and just hang that's a GREAT feeling. BUT you still date and are sweet...wow...ok enough about that



the next few months are definitely going to be more of the same if not even more intense

i have to attend training for pretty much the rest of the year and i still have to get BACK to Alabama for my madea's surprise 85th birthday, try to get to puerto rico for my cousin's 25th birthday and do the holidays...oh yea and during training you gets NO time off...maybe the weekends but not a guaranteed...but its a GREAT career move for me...

although these changes have been hard to say the least (i was so stressed the past month and a half i didn't know if i was coming or going) they have been good

the changes have stretched me and made me look inside of myself whether i wanted to or not for strength and the courage to let go and grow

in the long run i have grown so much and i have learned so much about life and myself its just like wow! and more is yet to come and i am looking forward to each and every part of the learning process...

so i am back even if for just a little while!

i rocked no bells

so yesterday i was supposed to go and see the rock the bells tour with Jac and a couple other folks...but i didn't make it...

all of a sudden on sunday morning i felt this overwhelming feeling of sadness i felt lonely (i know i am never alone because GOD is always with me) and just like i was out there all by myself...

see it hit me i am moving in my house this week and i am doing it all alone...my parents aren't here to see the house finished they aren't here to help me pack up and move and they aren't here to say well done...

i am making all these "grown up" decisions and i am doing it all by myself! CLEARLY you have to grow up some day but it would be nice to grow up with my parents 20 mins away and NOT 14 HOURS away...

so sunday morning i got out of bed and got on the couch and there i laid ALL DAY crying on and off at one point i balled so hard that i actually said "i want my mommy" and i did i meant it...

i didn't call her because hearing me upset would only make her upset...nor did i tell anyone that i was really upset except the three closest folks to me...my bestest tried her best to make me feel better once she really got that i was upset she even came by bless her heart

he didn't know how upset i was because i didn't tell him...he kept asking me was i ok because its not like to me to just lay all day and do NOTHING i mean i was in a daze i finally spoke up last night but for me its hard beacuse i have never really had folks i could lean on 100% don't get me wrong people have been there for me but i feel like i am always the one that takes care of folks but he made it clear that he's here for me too...

im just used to taking care of me and dealing with it and just trying to be everything to everyone else, that can be draining and you gotta take time for you...and let yourself deal with your issues!

so we shall see...i guess i had my breaking point we all have them from time to time and mines came yesterday i cried and cried and now today i am feeling a little bit more like myself i am not looking forward to the move this week through the weekend but hey you gotta put your BIG GURL pants on at some point...

my mom says she think i am doing a good job but you know you always wonder and in the end you just want to be happy and have everyone happy around you...

but the reality is

"you can't be everything to everybody but to those that get you-you'll be a jewel"

so to those that "get me" i mean really GET ME

THANK YOU!