GoldenTimeOfDay

blogging

2012-02-08T22:21:00.001-05:00

i need to

i am busy

its this wedding

its a lot

someone dropped out

insanity

i should've just had my two

itsallgoodthough

263 days

2012-01-17T08:11:00.002-05:00

that's how long i have before i become a m.r.s.

can you believe it?

i have my venue
i have my dress, my veil, my jewelry, and i know what shoes i want

i know what dresses i want the girls to wear
you name it, its done

that's a good thing

i have yet to really process the meaning of being a wife and a mother

i need time to do that
i need time to purge and make room in my house

i need to do a lot of things not even so much externally but internally
i need to work on my patience
i need to learn to be more positive and enjoy the little things a lot more than i do now

there are a lot of things that need to get down in the next 263 days

but the good thing is i know that i am up for it

i just have to really get out of this selfish state that i currently find myself in
i don't want to do a lot of things i know i wife must do
you know like let stuff go
trust him to make the right decision
things like that

don't get me wrong the man has proved to me that he knows how to make a decision
however, this is the blessing and the curse of getting married in your 30s
you know how to take care of yourself and you know what you want
but those same things can put you in the mindset of I don't need no man

ha
but i do want one and the one i want is HIM

so we'll make it work
and i know it will be OK

still

2012-01-03T11:41:00.003-05:00

hasn't set in yet that i am engaged but it has set in that i am getting married?

doesn't sound right and it isn't...
i am presently being pressed out to find a venue and select a date
and while i get this need, without the venue you can't have a date...and a lot of times the venue determines the date

i wasn't prepared for picking colors or different ones
finding dresses for the girls
finding a dress for myself
thinking about flowers
budget and more budget

all these things that really only encompass ONE day of my life!
that's it just ONE

i am doing all that is required because well i am picky, he is picky and we want things done a certain way...but at the same time i am also really ready to focus on the two main things:
being a WIFE and being a MOTHER

those are the two things that I personally need to work on

and the best way for me to do those things is to work on and strengthen my relationship with the Almighty

I need to talk to strong women in Christ that understand what it takes to be married

we got into this weekend, nothing major as we tend to bicker over minor things, and it hit me that i can't just up and leave, i can't up and just let it be, we have to WORK it out and through it

I need patience
he needs understanding

we both need a lot of things actually

so i am just looking to work on the things that we need in pre-marital counseling...both spiritually and practically...

i need to understand my purpose as a Wife biblically speaking and i need to know his expectations
i also need to understand his expectations as a mother to lil D...

i also need for him to know my expectations...

so although i am planning a wedding
i am focused on my marriage...

i refused to just get caught up in a day for 300+ (i know insane but that's the number) people but the FOUR at the center of it all-HIM, me, O and lil D

258

2011-12-27T11:55:00.003-05:00

...that's the number of days i have until my tentative wedding date!

and do you know these people, how wonderful they are, are driving me NUTS already...

so let me back up first...

as of Sunday, December 25, 2011...I am NOW an engaged woman!

crazy right

when did we start this journey together? June of 2006...this is my 590th blog post and after all the years and my tears...someone finally did it, they asked me to marry him..

funny thing is he was the reason i started the blog...
broken heart after what 5 years together things didn't pan out, but last year, things seemed to turn around...slow and steady, bumpy at times, but we moved along

it was the same but different, we both grew. we are now both grown. we both learned...

he's still the only man, other than my daddy, that truly puts up with me...
not saying that i am all that bad, but i can say that i am perfect within my imperfections and complex to say the least
but he's so calm with me so sure, so everything...

i've always dreamed of the moment and though i won't tell it here
i will say it was quiet, special, and HIM (and lil D, as they asked me to marry them)...the three of us that's it...

totally going against my demands of "I do not want it on Christmas" and totally in line with me
i didn't cry, i sat and i heard every lil word he said...and once i said the words and he hugged me

i knew and i cried!

actually i knew a while ago

when my mother was diagnosed with thyroid cancer this summer
i was angry
really angry
she's a breast cancer survivor and i just didn't feel like she deserved that yet again

but he was the one to calm me down and to tell me some things about faith
he was clam and reassuring
stern and yet patient

everything i needed and it just clicked that you know what he loves me

so in 258 days i'll be getting married to the only guy that's ever got me, stuck with me, and came back to get me

i was chosen

sounds so ....

but every woman (i'll speak for those i know) wants to be chosen

and i was

self made

2011-12-08T09:45:00.003-05:00

that's the name of the MMG song that was playing on my iPod the other day, when i initially thought to write this blog...
in the MMG stars rap about being a "self made" who had come to get the things and all of their accomplishments by themselves (as they rap on a song together)

and all that I could honestly think about was how i would have NEVER made it alone

that's the thing

no matter how much "we've got it going on"
in terms of a job, a house, a truck, a whatever

i can personally state that i wouldn't have any of these things without my parents, my friends and several mentors along the way

to actually sit and think that you have done anything alone is pretty sad

most of us have parents, or at least one parent or an aunt, an uncle, someone that is there for them

and those that don't really do have to work hard and climb up by their boot straps

i can't sit here and front like i have had it so hard
things were never handed to me and i have taken many of a blow but i have never taken a blow alone...whenever i needed love, advice, or just someone to reassure me that everything was going to be OK...i had the love and support...of my parents or someone else...

most recently, i was told that i was not the most qualified candidate for two positions for which i applied...although others in my specific job role and that i work with also received the same email, to say it wasn't a blow would be an understatement...it was a difficult thing to swallow i haven't NOT gotten a job since 2007...but hey it happens and sometimes it happens to remind us of what is really important and who we really are..

so with all that being said

i know that without the others in my life i wouldn't be who i am and i wouldn't be where i am right now...

12-2-11

2011-12-02T12:50:00.004-05:00

its that time of year again and it seems like the time where things become reflective and you try to gain some sort of perspective

we are talking about the past
looking forward to the future
and sometimes we aren't enjoying the present

sometimes we are enjoying the holidays
sometimes we are avoiding the holidays

but this time of year seems to be pretty simple if you ask me in terms of the repetitive nature that a few of us tend to go through

but here is how its different for me

i honestly feel like telling people about themselves

you know these same people that tend to believe that they have it all together but really don't
you know these people that give it but don't take it-as in advice
you know these people that are BLESSED beyond measure but have NO clue how to just sit back and appreciate what it is that they have be it a new home, a marriage, a new baby on the way...but it doesn't matter because its NEVER good enough
you know these people that have gotten MOST of what they've prayed for but it's not good enough

those people..but then if i decided TO infact call them out on theirs, i'd have to call me out on my own...so then i'd be one of those people right-RIGHT

i think for me, myself, the one thing that i am going to do is just appreciate, for once, where i am, what i have, and WHO i am!

its not about maybes, should've/would've/could've
its not about what i don't have
its not about anything other than...

just sitting back and appreciating the life that i HAVE
perfect it is NOT
perfect i am NOT

but its a blessing
despite it all its a blessing

we go through life so many times looking for the BIG nickel we don't see the Quarter in our hand

the stats

2011-11-22T16:25:00.002-05:00

...what is it?

marriage

for who, all those people that they keep doing these studies on...and it has more to do with money than spiritual reasons

so i sat and talked with two couples this weekend

both couples together for about 10 years, both couples have kids, both couples live in ONE home

and he is just as involved with his kids and she is...they are in love and WANT to be married...so then the question becomes, well why don't they just get married...

the answer: they can't afford it

a lot of young women live in homes where they receive assistance, he works, she works, but still with child care costs, etc, they can't afford to be married and lose the assistance

so what does that mean, well that means in society eyes they children belong to a single parent home, regardless that there are both parents are raising their kids and not just sitting in the house doing nothing but truly contributing to their families

further more these men are IN love with their women and are committed to them

I say all of that to say, the judgement that society and we can place on people can sometimes be overwhelming so before we assume that these studies or what we think (not know) is correct we should have conversations first

DISCLAIMER: this is not a religious debate blog, i personally prefer to be married and let it all work itself out, HOWEVER, i am also financially dependant and everyone is not afforded that opportunity...FURTHERMORE, both couples know the biblical stance, this is a post strictly about the financial aspects facing a lot of couples

sense of humor

2011-11-15T20:44:00.003-05:00

that's what HE the man that really and truly RUNS the world

HE has a sense of humor

the very next night, after a rant, i am sitting here and i can't even imagine myself without him

he's in the ER

i am 2 hours away from him TWO

its definitely something that could be MAJOR...

he's waiting to have a scan done...

he's got an IV in his arm

i am TWO hours away...

i can't get to him RIGHT NOW

i can't move

i can't imagine life without him

i was just complaining about adulthood and NOT being ready and now i am more ready that i have ever been

i take it back...i take it all back

this is real life

P just said this: True Love = loving in spite of not because of...

adutlhood

2011-11-14T17:47:00.002-05:00

let me first start by saying that word right there^^^up there
the title of this blog...

OVERRATED

ok so what you are saying to me is that i have to get up everyday, EVERYSINGLEDAY and go to the SAME place and do the SAME thing with the SAME people

and even if i do get another job, i will once again do the SAME THING and that the ONLY time you get to do what you truly LOVE means you won't make the money you NEED to make because of the BILLS you have mad because of that well paying job you got thinking it would be a career

OVERRATED

then you fall in love and you are supposed to get married and have a kid or two (because the economy and daycare costs and add that my mommanem done moved down souffs you can't have three) means you have to deal with not just your hubby, your kid(s) but they family too, and as much as folks say or want to think that we got the BEST family in the world, we all seem to fall short of the Huxtables, some WAYYYYY shorter than others...THEN you gotta love these people unconditionally (you know the dude you married and that baby you wanted so bad) EVEN when they plucking you ever lasting nerve that's left OR when you just want to be left the HELL alone...they still there...always still RIGHT THERE for 40-50 years...

maybe not as overrated but definitely NOT WHAT THEY MAKE IT SEEM LIKE

then you gotta pay these things called BILLS (and until you get married you gotta do that ALONE) and you are still broke...regardless it seems like something ALWAYS comes up, its not whatif, its WHEN...you get taxed out the youknowwhat...(can we say double digits already this year, so my salary is NOTHING) so that makes you WANT to get married or have a "livein" because let's see two is better than ONE esp when it comes to the monies...

Hey i said it...you might not want to but...at least that's how IFEELRIGHTNOW

did i say by now at this age my grandmanem think my eggs are about to dry up and run away...and all your friends that are younger keep saying they need to be married and have kids BY my age...and all i keep think about is how i am STILL NOT READY for a kid (another kid, i have a kid, but only part time because he lives with his dad and i haven't adopted him as of yet) and when i do have a kid that's my TWO so he needs to be 1 out of diaper AND out of daycare before i even THINK about another kid becuase he is about to cost $992 a MONTH for school ALONE...one kid, one of my co-workers pays OVER $1700 a MONTH for her ONE child...then let's add the diapers, the clothes, the shoes, the time, the energy, the drama with your mommanem telling you what THEY want you to do...yea...i need another FO (as in 4) years before i am in the house and where i want to be financially before i even THINK about having anotherbaby

so right now with dollars and cents....another kid right now OVERRATED

because the reality is we (me and the he) are going to see the WTT concert in AC this weekend, and I can't get a new fit (as in outfit) i can barely get my huurrr and nails did (as in make a hair appointment and get a mani/pani) and FORGET staying overnight who will have the energy, who can we find to babysit OVERNIGHT and who got the money for the hotel!

yea so even with seeing or having that light of sunshine at the end of the tunnel of a week of work at a place that is nothing more than a job (because let's face it a career is something you LOVE doing day in and day out, ie work for yourself doing what you want to do) and pay the rest of my mid month bills i am still dreading the drive, the cost, and the look

so by the way did i tell you that some times (not all) but A LOTof times

ADULTHOOD IS OVERRATED

need

2011-11-03T22:09:00.001-04:00

i need to blog

i really need to blog

there is a lot going on with me but i don't know where to begin

hopefully i'll be able to have some time this weekend to do a MAJOR brain dumb...

hopefully i'll want to

until laters

love ballad

2011-10-12T14:15:00.002-04:00

that's what is rocking in my ears right now

i love this song...it fits so much of my life...

its been a crazy 3 weeks, full of a lot of hurt and disappointment for those around me

my homie lost his girlfriend in a fatal accident on 95, she had just turned 29 the weekend before and that next friday/saturday morning she was gone...

what do you say to someone who just lost the person he finally thought was "the person" and just like that they are gone...

she was 29

i think we as people sometimes focus on things and the perfect plan of what we "think" our life should be and a lot of times its too late to say what you wanted to say, to do what you wanted to do based on what we think is right

he loved her, he didn't tell her...because it was "too soon" and now she is gone and he'll never get the chance to tell her

it makes you think and reflect

i have a wedding date and i am not even engaged yet...i have a plan for when we'll get married, have a child, the whole nine...its not my plan alone, he's made his plans extremely clear as well

but what the last 3 weeks have taught me more than anything, is that life and time are precious and short and at any given time the person you thought was "the" person could be gone

i try to tell him that she came to teach him to love and that she doesn't want him to never love again, and in time she'll bring someone to him that will help him to go for it and not wait and the women that come around that aren't for him, she set the bar so high, he'll know that they aren't for him and he'll move on

but those words fall on deaf ears

all he think about is her

my him says he can relate and he's been without me before and wouldn't know how to handle it so i guess that's why things are different this time

you should always let people know how you feel while they are here because at the end of the day, it makes no sense to give them flowers when they are gone and you couldn't while they were here...

love open, love hard, love free

mind racing

2011-09-22T09:39:00.002-04:00

there is a lot on my mind

the entire situation with the life and death of troy davis has my mind running

let's not mistake it, he was a criminal, however to what extent is the question, this was a death penalty case
and i can't ignore that this was the 4th time he was up for execution, his execution was stayed 3 previous times, the last in 2008, so many questions come to mind:

*why weren't his lawyers able to prove his innocence, discredit the eye witnesses, work with the innocence project earlier? i know why witnesses are just coming forward, statue of limitations has expired for them to perjure themselves
*what was it about the defense that wasn't able to legally tell the system, hold up and wait?
No, i 'll go beyond that,
*why throughout those 3 stays was NOTHING done legally to convince the state that a retrial was needed or at least make the sentence that of life until it was absolutely clear, and if it never became clear, and he was there but didn't do it, whatever, have him serve life?
*was his class/socio economic status the issue, he just couldn't afford good/effective counsel? *again why weren't we made aware earlier, or excuse me, why didn't we (including myself) look earlier for this?
*Could we have found a way to raise funds for effective counsel?

and after the event or during, why was there such an excessive police presence? (i am so glad that the crowd was peaceful and presented no reason for them to act)

it takes me back to my college days, i thought i was going to save the world i mean totally be a lawyer and work in civil rights and take my knowledge and my compassion and change the world

now i sit a desk day in and day out and ummmmmm and i am not doing what i thought i would be doing with my life at this time

don't get my wrong i guess because of my position i am doing something, but i am not doing what i wanted to do all my life but what i need to do as an adult

i know that all of our ideas, values, and reality changes our dreams and sometimes as Gem said yesterday we gotta do what we have to do, we have to work, grow, push and move forward to survive and prosper

we need to teach our young people, and even our peers, the local, state, and federal laws, get people to understand the separation of powers, checks and balances...

we need to reach our young people and help them to understand to NOT become apart or "victim" of the justice system

furthermore, we, our generation needs to finally stand up and make a difference
we should just stop getting involved at the 12th hour, and next week stop talking about
participate in jury duty
read up on those you are voting on

new

2011-09-20T13:44:00.003-04:00

that's the feeling i have for him right now

its new

its fresh

its a feeling that is truly grateful

out of nowhere on Sunday afternoon, i became violently ill...i mean can we say upchuckin to the tenth degree

he was ever so present, getting crackers and ginger ale, getting meds, for the last two days, he's done everything he can...

ironically enough i thought we weren't going to make it

zuri did a wonderful blog today on relationships and communication, and what it all boils down to is the communication between a man and a woman
a man and a woman i might add that were raised in two different states, grew up with two different types of parents and families and that although there are similarities are different just in that...then ADD the whole men are from mars, women are from Venus thing and

BAM

you got some issues

but here's what i am learning sometimes we can make those issues MUCH larger than they need to be

and despite the communication issues we have and will continue to face

i finally have someone to take care of me when i am sick

like really, wholehearted, take care of me not complain not fuss about missing part of the game for running to the store, or for me asking 50 million times for a new glass of ginger ale because it went flat...none of that bothered him...he just did it

its a new thing for me and i must admit

i don't just like it, i love it!

rAndom-relief, relate, release

2011-09-14T19:11:00.003-04:00

today was my second day back on the metro and it was weird and i say weird because i liked driving into work for various reason, mainly NOT having to deal with others (besides drivers) and being able to relax on my way in and on my way out...

being on the train you have to be present

present in case someone is trying to snatch your stuff

present in case is trying to bomb the train or station

present because someone may need help

just plain ole present and aware of your surroundings and being aware means you have to take notice and when i take notice i take stuff in

like the man that asked to sit next to me today, is he ok, i could tell that he was mentally developmentally challenged and i wanted to know if he got where he needed to go ok

it bothers me to see the homeless folks daily...esp the ones that i know need mental and physical assitance, and it bothers me that i can't help them

i feel like a burden or a relief is an order as well though

you know how you are a part of a "group" but you know you really aren't apart of it...you ever feel like you are apart of the group merely to be the butt of the jokes?

guess what? i made it known how i felt today and that i wouldn't be around to participate in situations especially situations that would require me to spend my time and my money

and i won't and i said it

don't get me wrong i love all the girls, but do i think that they respect me and love me as i do them...nope

you know what it is? people are judgmental and personally i want to only surround myself with people, male or female, who love me and accept me and know that i am a work in progress...

there are people that get me and i am cool with that and i am cool with people NOT getting me or accepting me

what i eat don't make you sh*t so what difference does it really make if you dig me or not

i realize that although i am most, if not everyone's cheerleader, everyone is NOT mine

so i'll focus my attention on those that do

what else....

oh i don't like this house, i realize if there is one regret in life this is it!

it definitely may change my mind if the market turns around or later in life, but at the present time with another issue (cracked chimney) i am OVER it...i think for any woman (or unhandy man) living alone, a condo or townhouse community that would include maintenance in the fees would be a better option

so i definitely feel like the relief i feel like i am relating but i definitely need to release and let myself relax

2 YEARS AGO

2011-09-13T20:46:00.002-04:00

...my life changed dramatically...

i took a new job and today marks my twonniversary

definitely been an experience met some friends for life and i've learned more about myself and about life

i am still learning

as soon as

2011-08-31T14:56:00.004-04:00

you get yourself together something comes along to test if you are really as far along as you thought

so based on the the last post its a known fact that the years i am IN a relationship i don't blog as much, hence this year

well here i am just going through my life and being in love and all that GREAT stuff and BAM
here comes the ex, we'll call him G, trying to contact me

so i get a FB message this morning (it was sent last night) stating that he has been looking for me for a while and that he decided to go back through his messages in FB and saw me there and sent my message...the reason for him wanting to talk to me is that he wanted to apologize for the way that he carried things (i do tend to get carried at the end of relationships) and that it wasn't me it was him, he was bugging it was him

so of course i appreciated it and thanked him

now here comes the kicker, he wants to see me

and honestly, i want to see him too...why, for no other reason than hell i still look GREAT ok well good and for my ego purposes i would like to see what he has to say

i in NO way want to be with this man again, EVER
he put me in a box, he was the guy that made me feel like as soon as i wasn't in his box anymore he wouldn't care about me anymore...furthermore, i have someone that really LOVES me

ok because let me be real about some thannnnnngggggssssss:
i am not a size 6, add some numbers to that...
i am not the sweetest person, i can be but please believe
i can be rather mean
i can be loud
i can be moody
i can be emotional
i can be sensitive
i can be strong
but i can also be weak
i am loving
but i am also stern
i can come off as cold and not interested at times
or sometimes i can be WAYYYY Y to needy of attention and affection

but the man that i have now, he GETS me, and he deals with me, even when i honestly do NOT even feel like dealing with myself...despite my up and down ways...

he loves me
he isn't perfect
he isn't tall
or have a lot of the superficial things that a lot of women may find attractive

but he loves me
he gets on my nerves and i KNOW get on his

but he loves me

and furthermore he wants to be married and have kids

so as much as i would like to see G just to hear what he had to say, and so he could see just how over his butt i am, it serves NO purpose in the larger scheme of things

i know it would bother my him, not because he doesn't trust me (we have talked about it, i have no secrets) even though any man would be a little like why do you need to see him, his thing is if i jump up and see him it makes it come off like dude has room- space and he doesn't

soooooooo

the current and FUTURE man in my life...matters more than my personal ego and so today i make the big girl decision to put him and US first

single...rAdomneSS

2011-08-30T16:10:00.004-04:00

i blog more when i am single

that's just the honest truth

if you look at the side bar and the numbers from the past years...the years with the most blog posts are from when i am single

things seem so much more stressful when you are single, you feel like you have more of the world on your shoulders when you are single, you don't feel like you matter as much when you are single...

ironically, i am also my most driven when single, like i am trying to prove my importance to those who are around me...waving..hey look at me i have something to contribute to the world to society

when i am in a relationship i tend to focus on that and whatever else i have going on, like work or school and i put myself on the back burner

funny thing is i am sitting here and i just noticed it looking at the side myself like when i am with someone i don't blog as much

another funny thing is that when i am with someone i tend to have as much to say as single but its more so relationship stuff

so either i am blogging about wanting to be in one or not blogging because i am in one but don't want to talk about it "in public"

crazy times in deed i think because that's ridiculous to me

why does everything have to be about love and life and not just about life, why as a woman can't i just focus and find the balance of being a woman why must it always be around a man or wanting a man? i know why, i even know why biblically (thanks to Mrs. C) but still its frustrating to say the least

i need to figure some things out about myself...i am sitting here tired as ever because i haven't really slept since Friday night, i am exhausted about to pass out at my desk and the one thing that i find time to blog about is the fact that i blog more when i am single than when i am not

GEESH LADY

i come off about as deep as a tic

alas at least i can admit it

maybe my insightful BOLD days are over

maybe i am meant to be a mom and a wife and just boring or is it a wife and a mom and boring

but i don't want to be boring i want to live my life and enjoy it

WHY is the finding the balance SO hard

maybe i don't need to find anything but happiness that's all i need is to be happy and as you can from the previous post a sista is none to happy to not have power and not being able to sleep in my bed, having to put my dog up in a kennel for 7 days because i don't know where i'll be or any of that other CRAP that is currently goings on in my life due to the power outage
then age a LD relationship to the mix, work, school, life, allergies

yea

uggggggggggggggggggggggggggg

ok back to the post

so i am going to find the time to tap into myself and my innermost feelings and be ok with it if i am single or not because at the end of the day, i came into this world alone and i'll go out alone, hopefully i won't spend any more time on earth alone, but i should never see myself as alone anyways

..and another one

2011-08-29T11:16:00.002-04:00

here is another reason, to add to my list of reasons for being completely OVER the
DMV

the local electric company, that begins with a P, majorly SUCKS

how is it that half of my neighborhood is without power and the other half isn't suffering...

and might I add we are going on 48 hours here with NOTHING

it makes absolutely NO sense at all to me

I get that we are on different grids and things but COME ON

oh because i own a single family home, not a condo, or i don't live in an apartment, or i am not a school soooo i don't matter

see this is what bothers me, we are the freaking NATION'S CAP and we aren't EVER ready for snow, sleet, hell even bad rain, let alone a hurricane

so i shall add this to my list of reasons why i am ready to leave and here's the thing I don't even know where i want to go anymore, i just know i want to leave!

because i have no power i was hot because i was hot i was uncomfortable because i was uncomfortable i couldn't sleep i haven't slept all weekend...because of course i didn't sleep during the hurricane because it was mad crazy son

so anyways...just another thing to add to the list of reasons why the DMV is becoming an overrated experience that i have lived through enough years of my life (all 31 of them) and now its time for something different

Atlanta is out because it too is overrated
Chicago is an option
NYC is out because it is overrated
Charlotte is an option
Houston is out because its to darn hot
Philly has always been an option
Baltimore is out because well its baltimore
LA is out because well its LA

I don't know but i am not looking for work anywhere other than HERE

and i am ok with NOT staying with this agency either

I definitely want to stay working for the gobement but i am cool with somewhere else

i mean i would have loved to have a telecommuting option today and the day after the earthquake

and i mean COME ON i get trying to make a point by not closing us down but seriously you could have closed us today folks don't have leave to be using all willy nilly like that for this

let us NOT forget i have not one but TWO parents that both have caner so a day off to deal with the no power situation would have been much appreciated! imjustsaying

yep as you can see i am over it

but it seems like all management has been made aware of us not working today so i shall float through my work day praying the power is back on by the time i get home and knowing that if it isn't i am going UP to one of their offices and acting a monkey fool period!

but all in all life is good but i am just ready to go like not now but right now! so i need to work on my patience of things becuase i am ready to get to getting

frustration

2011-08-26T15:14:00.003-04:00

that's what it boils down to right now
frustration oh and being broke

oh how i wish i could be a professor or a teacher and could make the money that i need to make to survive because although i know that with every job comes some sort of issue or two or three

the ones here are getting under my skin

i was NEVER a "system" or "big machine" girl

but the politics of it all is getting to me and i don't like it

honestly if i could figure out how to pay all my bills OFF and not work I truly would

then to top it off it just always seems like there is an issue at home

i am also frustrated with my living arrangements and want to go, like I honestly just want to go far far away from here

i am over the rat race in DC
hell i am over the race period

i just wanna go do my job and go home
i am over a lot of things a LOT
so i am frustrated and i need to get it together so i can get out of not just one but BOTH of these situations
seriously
if you feel like you are getting hit on multiple sides all the times and can't find peace its time for a change

Dead wrong

2011-07-29T12:34:00.002-04:00

that's how i feel

the news i just received or received yesterday is DEAD WRONG

my mother also has cancer....

really?

she has be diagnosed with thyroid cancer

so BOTH my parents have cancer at the same time

this woman has survived breast cancer and a host of other things
she doesn't drink, or smoke
she is one of the BEST people ever and i am not just saying that, she has been there for people that's just her and she doesn't deserve this

i am angry
very angry
she doesn't deserve it...

she is in great spirits and has a wonderful outlook...and i hope and pray that i too can come to grisps with it...but right now

i can't

bitter sweet

2011-07-22T14:23:00.002-04:00

i am sitting in my parents room as my mom recovers from her surgery (yea that's not what i thought i was coming down here for either...but turns out she needed surgery while I was here) and my dad is resting from his daily treatment

but life is good because i have been able to be with them more than i ever would have had i been at home

to see them both and to see them doing so well is good

my dad is in good spirits and so is my mother

its made the trip here all the more worth while for me

tomorrow i'll depart from Mobile, AL with one more suitecase than i arrived with (I wonder how much Delta is going charge for 4 bags)

i have enjoyed my time here, the time spent with family and the work i was able to be apart of

it's bitter sweet because i enjoy the work, i enjoy being only 3 hours from my parents and the 20 minute commute, free parking and NO homeless people harassing me

furthermore, its cheap here and most of all its been cooler here then in the DMV
its what 105 degrees with the heat index it feels like what 115
here it merely feels like it feels 90 or so degrees

so i can appreciate that

i am ready to get back but not really i am not looking forward to the hour long commute sharing my house and the foolishness that is my office...GREAT people not so much for the work

so i am ready to be bored again and blaza

and i'll miss my parents

but i'll also be happy to see my dog...and my folks

kasarahsarahwhateverwillbewillbe

...made

2011-07-06T21:39:00.001-04:00

sometimes decisions are made for you

and then there is no decision to make

i'll be returning to DC on Friday, 7/22

NOT because i wasn't wanted here

NOT because my work didn't speak for itself

NOT because i didn't fit in

NOT because i didn't work hard

but because bureaucracy is there and it is what it is....

so be it

decisions

2011-06-30T21:52:00.002-04:00

decisions are best made with thought?

with a prayer?

with instincts?

with a flip of a coin?

i haven't figured out how best to make major decisions other than what makes sense

when something makes sense

even if it doesn't seem feasible or realistic

if in the bigger picture of my life it will help me reach an ultimate goal i will do it

sometimes you have to take what may seem like two steps back to take that giant leap forward

i have an opportunity to take steps that would seem like steps back (I would take a pay cut, not a cut in grade but the cost of living here is lower) so that i could gain the skills and knowledge needed to go forward

well its not in my hands any more

i have made my intentions known that i will stay here and whatever happens happens

Le BOOM

2011-06-22T20:58:00.003-04:00

YES!

this song is on repeat as i sit in my living room

just chilling....doing nothing at all

my hair in pen curls, my clothes ironed for tomorrow, my shake fixed, my fruit washed and fixed...

i had my soup and now i'll eat my salad

i just sat and watch a crazy video with JD, Kevin Hart, Nelly, Tammy (basketball wives) , Bobby Brown and Nick Cannon...YES random, ridiculous and HALARIOUS

As much as i miss home i am enjoying my experience here in AL

they keep hinting that i could stay here, the other guy will have to go to Iraq for a year...the ONLY way i would do a year here is if HIM and lil him could come and bring my DOG and my truck....otherwise NO and definitely NO if they aren't paying for my living expenses as it is now...i still gotta pay a mortgage and bills at home so negative

i must say i like being in a field office much better than the main office...different work and definitely a different vibe

the work is different and i enjoy it...i haven't really taken to many full weekends i normally work one day, i'll be working this friday as well...(my work week is sun-thurs)...

being here gives me time to breathe and rest up a little bit

there are talks of marriage and with those talks comes a lotof work...getting a job, renting out my house, buying a new house, oh plan a wedding and get married

we were going on a cruise this year, but that has been pushed back

definitely interesting

as much as i have always wanted to be married and i do love him and my mini him..i am afraid of the work that a marriage brings and the fact that i won't have just me to be responsible...i'll have a family that i am responsible for....that's deep

heck i just got me under control, well kinda

i don't do much on the weekends here, hell i be tired especially with working like i did yesterday 10 hours! then my sinuses haven't given me a rest here! and i need new glasses...i think he headaches will slow down when i get those because looking at a computer all day can definitely do something to your eyes that's for sure...

LD relationships are hard, but bearable when you see the person every or at least every other weekend...not seeing him for a month is a bit much actually it will be 5 pretty much 6 weeks before he comes down next weekend...

such is life

he is amazingly supportive but in the same breathe he gets on my ever lasting nerve

*shrugs* i am sure i get on his nerves equally

can we say "pre-marital counseling for $500 Alex" lol

ok...well thought i would check...

southern belle

2011-06-03T15:26:00.003-04:00

well not exactly

but currently i am residing in Mobile, AL until the end of July...we all know that my daddy was diagnosed with prostate cancer and right after his diagnosis there was a temporary position that was also an AWESOME opportunity for me professionally was posted...

so I applied, called and did an self imposed impromptu interview and got it...

welll I wasn't scheduled to come until this Monday, June 6th, however, as with most things in life, nothing ever goes as we plan...sooooo i had to come Monday, May 23rd....oh did i mention the week before I had to leave i had to go away for 3 days for business so that didn't leave much time to pack but i took the advice of one of my girls and packed for 20 days instead of trying to be overwhelmed with packing for 60 days...

so three suitcases ($185 later, thanks DELTA) i got down here

my apartment (which i had to find myself) is AWESOME! fully furnished top floor, DELUX because i have a loft with a full size washer and dryer and its OH so peaceful

its been an adjustment i miss home, i miss my dog, even my brother...of course i miss him and lil him...but it was definitely needed

BECAUSE i drive to work daily 20 minutes TOPS with the so-called traffic! I would be stuck on that funky metro right now if i was home

its quiet, its just me...sometimes you need that, sometimes as a person, a woman especially you can get so lost in everything and everyone else around you, so its good to just get back to ME

i am sick right now so i won't be traveling the three hours this weekend to see the folks but i'll definitely be going up next weekend

i think all of the stress of the last 6 months, the up and down the back and forth and everything has finally caught up with me so i'll just be chillin doing much of nothing this weekend

definitely going to try to get into the working out and things this week, i have been here two weeks so only 6 left time to try to get it cracking...hopefully if i get up on rest i'll be good to go...

oh did i say that i am living by shops, a movie theater, restaurants, 30 minutes from the beach and the outlets!

sheeesh don't tell nobody but i kinda like Mobile, ALABAMA

....sitting

2011-05-19T10:17:00.003-04:00

that's what i am doing right now

sitting in the Jackson airport waiting on my plane to arrive so i can depart the dirty dirty...which by the way isn't that dirty at all

in fact its extremely clean and peaceful

the weather has been perfect, no humidity, sunshine, clean skies and a breeze, unlike what i hear is going on in the DMV right now....its been raining and raining and raining...

i didn't see any signs of the flooding but the taxi cab driver (a local) stated that the river is going to hit the crest point today...and a couple of the small towns will be affected by it

sad, its really sad that smaller towns (peoples homes, businesses, schools) will be sacrificed to spear larger cities...pretty much what they did in Katrina when they let the ninth ward flood to spear the downtown area....iamjustsaying

so the former governor had a child outside of his marriage and we learn today that the child was born only 4 days apart from his youngest son with his wife? really dude? so how much taking care of your child did you have to do to keep her quite all those years, including during the elections, because dirt ALWAYS comes out! so clearly the lil boy didn't know that you were his daddy because that would've come out, kids slip they can't keep secrets...furthermore, how sad for those children...people are so selfish

i have said it before and i'll say it again,

the opposite of love isn't hate it's SELFISHNESS period!

i saw my folks on tuesday they looked GREAT! I mean really really great...they were fussing as always and they are just too funny for words

the most classic thing was him holding the GPS and repeating EVERYTHING that the thing said to my mother...it talks she can hear it but he felt the need to say it i am sitting here smiling at it because it was soooo funny

"PC the thing said you about to turn right, you better get over, PC the thing sad turn right"

i'll be a temporary resident down here, well not here, but down south in 4 days...i am missing a few parties, some cookouts, some bridal showers, graduations, i mean a ton of events but you know the trade off isn't much...you gotta make sacrifices that's life and in order for me to be able to see my daddy and take him to his treatments, to be around them pretty much every weekend the ability to do "dinner and a movie" or "mani/pedi and lunch" with my mommy, to be able to see them as often as possible right now is what is most important

PLUS add to the fact that its a temp position for work which will help me when i decide to transfer

WINNING

i have been studying various religions lately, not because i am converting, but i need to understand things, i need to not be ignorant to why people believe what they believe and thus do what they do...

so in the hotel there was the Bible and the book of Mormon so i started reading that last night, i don't get it...i am reading about Islam and that i get a little more, now i am trying to understand how a religion based on living life as the prophet in peace is violent...but not...its all interpretation, all religions, its an interpretation of whatever book, bible you decide to read and decide that you believe in...the thing that i found interesting was that the prophet acknowledged the Christians and the Jews (who teased the Arabs by the way as being cut out of God's plan) its just interesting...

knowledge is a circle, you give, you receive...i like learning and understanding just because it helps you stand firmer in your own personal beliefs...

whatever you believe in, just respect others for what they believe in...that's how i feel about that...

i know from whom i derived and i understand walking in his image is what we should all strive to do...

i think that's what i am going to be doing while i am gone, i am going to focus on myself, my personal relationship with HIM and me....get my mind right, get my body right, get my spirit right...

i am nervous about leaving for various reasons...but i am at peace about it

stand tall and smile

2011-05-02T15:42:00.004-04:00

that's what i am going to do right now

just stand

what do the old folk say at times like these "when it rains it pours"

well they aint never lied

everything always seems to hit you at once

and what do you have to do in the midst of it all

you have to STAND
you have to SMILE

that's what you have to do

i can't not go to work, i can't hide under a rock, i can't run away from it all and just sit in my room in my bed, with cakes and cookies until it all goes away (i have said before i am an emotional eater *shrugs*)

i will say this though at times like this when everything is coming from every which a way...i realize that i am more like my momma then not

when i say that woman is like IT to me...

she is IT
spiritual
strong
sweet
supportive
sassy

all that and i know that i'll never be like HER but if i can be like half of her...man oh man still ahead of the game

i have shed my tears about both situations and now i just want to keep it moving

not to say i won't have moments
not to say it won't be hard

but having conversations like the one with my daddy where he is in RARE form and has me cracking up laughing about how he is getting a Harley but won't come up off $250 so i can get my mom a Dyson vacum for her mother's day gift is just straight up CLASSIC to me, we always tend to talk the most trash to one another and when he's like that i know he's feeling well so that makes me smile

i have said all that i have and will say in terms of the other situation
disappointed
but lesson learned

one thing i have truly learned is that as a woman i will not make an excuses to anyone (male, female, momma, daddy, whoever) about my size, my hair, NOTHING

i know that there are things i can improve about my physical, but more importantly i want to keep learning and loving internally...

i may not be all that physically "beautiful"

but i am beautiful, in my own way, in my own skin...inside and OUT (because i am not bad looking at all)

i am beautiful

so i will smile and focus on finding my inner peace and joy, not happiness, not right now, happiness depends on happenings in your life its a thing that can come and go...i want joy and peace, something that's much deeper something that no matter will be there in my heart in my soul in ME and NO ONE and NOTHING can take those things away from you

plus i look so much better when i stand tall and smile

precious

2011-04-22T15:31:00.002-04:00

"Ma what did you mean by Daddy needing a CT scan to determine if the cancer had spread"

"oh I didn't tell you, I thought I did, your father has prostate cancer"

and just like that i felt like my stomach had gone into me feet

i still haven't stopped shaking and i received the information over 24 hours ago but i can't stop shaking i have the shakes

my nerves are on edge and i can't shake it

plus they don't know enough information to me

what is the score of his diagnosis (meaning is he in the early intermediate or advanced stages)
what is the grade of his tumors

no answers!

i think she blacked out and he doesn't listen to the doctors anyway, that's his coping mechanism, he says if he doesn't know how bad it is then he can't worry himself

i told my mother its her job to just take care of him

I WILL TALK TO THE DOCTOR MYSELF

i will ask all of the questions, do all of the research, understand the options and tell them what i think they should do based on whatever the doctor tells me

i have booked my flight already and will be there for 4 nights at the end of May...its time to get answers and get to moving

my daddy turns 65 next month, that's YOUNG

he hasn't walked me down the isle yet
he hasn't given me away yet
we haven't had our first dance
he hasn't held my child
we haven't sat on the porch of my custom made home and just laughed and joked

there is still SO MANY THINGS that need to be done
so many more memories that need to be made

yes a lot of people survive prostate cancer, i get that but STOP telling me how this person and that person survived it

they aren't MY DAD that's just plain and simple they are NOT

he's already sick, already taking as much as he can just to fight the different issues he has now...if he wasn't as sick he is now, i would feel a little better about it, but the fact of the matter is he already takes almost 15 pills a DAY for his many conditions

now you may add some more medication, radiation, chemo, oh and let's not forget that he was in the hospital to get a biopsy on his kidneys yesterday when i called her out on the reason for the CT scan she gave me on Tuesday! so he also has issues with his kidneys not properly functioning...good news (if there such, but it really was) was that the cyst on his kidney wasn't cancerous so it hadn't spread as far as they can tell, but the CT scan oh and the bone scan he has to have on Monday will show if the cancer has spread or not

and all of this is happening and i am 14 hours away...

i can't see him
i can't hug him
i can't make him laugh by doing something silly or saying something off the wall

he sounds so weak

i keep trying to focus on work but i can't
physically i am here but otherwise i am not

this helpless feeling i have is eating me up

i can't fix it
i can't make him feel better
i can't help my mom

i can't

i CAN and will continue to PRAY and have faith that whatever GOD's will is for him, will be

i just don't want to see my daddy suffer, he doesn't deserve to suffer...i see now why he's always saying his back is hurting, he's always in pain

all i can do is pray and what will be will be

two more days....

2011-04-19T08:00:00.003-04:00

and it would've made for a full month since i blogged

but since i haven't blogged in a while, i figured i should go ahead and make do

i really don't know what to blog about

seems i haven't been feeling much like myself lately

mainly because i suffer from chronic sinuitus and stay sick around this time of year...i know that seasonal allergies tend to bring anyone down and make them feel like they are dragging but with me its to the extreme...how about i finally do what i am supposed to do and take my allergy shot weekly so that i can get to maintenance and therefore won't need them any more

i find that i have been really quiet lately in general at work, at home, i don't talk that much to anyone anymore, not even my momma, those conversations are pretty short, i know pretty unbelievable

i don't know why, well yes i do, when i don't have anything really productive or positive to say, i tend to go into my shell, when i am feeling like there is way to much going on for me to handle i go into my shell

can i tell you a secret (i know right like the world wide web makes sense to tell a secret to) but i don't think i am really ready for this whole wife and mother thing.

there i said it!

its a LOT of work, maybe if we were in the same house it would be easier, but we aren't even in the same state, which makes for me living out of a suitcase and living in crazy times more often then not

this past weekend, on saturday i slept until 11am! i can't even start to remember when i have been able to sleep in, my body just doesn't allow for it, and always tend to get up by 9 at the latest but not this weekend, i was home and i slept got up went to the couch and slept some more...sunday i cleaned like a mad woman, washed clothes, just did things around the house and then i got so caught up in walmart i missed passover service...its literally been like 2, 2 1/2 months since i have been to walmart and really did shopping for myself and my house

i don't say this all to say that i mind, but it is a lot when you have someone or someoneS depending on you, its even more pressure when the other someone is a little toddler (is he even consider a toddler he's not quit 2)

and to add to the pressure, he looks like he could be my child...so now you have people thinking he is my son, that i am his mother (but his birth mother doesn't have the best reputation, so in no way shape or form do i want people thinking i am her!)

i think some people remember me from my previous years, and then others have never seen her so the probably just assume that i am her, and even my own momma says he looks like he could be mines, so that makes it hard because until all the court stuff is over, we can't really move forward, well we can, but he (the daddy) needs some closure on the situation

and i am sure being the sole provider for the little guy isn't what he thought he would have to deal with, and i try as best as i can to be supportive, but geesh it can really get hard

but then he says my name "T" or asks for me when i am gone or smiles at me or laughs when he hears my voice and it makes it all worth it

they both are my lil short men, and i love them dearly

but i gotta find the balance, why is it always so very very hard to find the balance?

i need to work out again, i need to take care of myself more

heck can i just go and have time for a mani/pedi

its like a long distance relationship on steroids because there is NO down time, or very little and then there is the whole other subject (which i don't even want to discuss) about being together for eva eva eva...which we need to make a decision about because who wants to have their heart broken again, not me NOR do i want to break lil lil man's heart

i have no clue what i am doing right now, i mean i know but i don't know, i love his dad, but is love enough? how much longer can i do long distance? i can't move anywhere without two things a ring and a job, he can't go anywhere because he is in school and needs to finish!

i guess or know rather that in situations like these this is where FAITH comes into play, because i clearly have NO answers!

kung fu panda

2011-03-21T12:37:00.002-04:00

Inner peace
inner peace
inner peac

remember the master kept asking for inner peace

and then the turtle was trying to tell him whatever is going to be its going to be you have to just accept it and make the most of it and not look at it for what YOU think it is but what it really is

i have finally stopped stressing myself out over something that i personally have NO control

i have finally realized that at this point the ONLY person i can control is me and that its time for me to focus on me and not lose all that i have worked hard to gain

i have also finally realized that people can ONLY be who they are...and a lot of times that comes from how we are raised, where we grow up, our friends, our spirituality...

it can be a number of thinks but the point is, we can only be who we are, period...

and once you see that and you let go of these boxes we put others and ourselves in

you come to peace

i went to a memorial service this weekend and this man, whom i never had the pleasure of meeting, life preached his own service

and it made me think of what i want my dash to represent about me

i don't want to be angry
bitter
or mean

and i found myself being that more often than not lately because i was driving myself crazy about things i can't control

its not a question of love
its a question of effort and work, the willingness to put in the work to make a relationship happen and to keep it happy

at this point its not even him its me, i am not ready and i am not ready because i can't see myself committing for various reasons

i can love you all day and you can love me

but if at the end of the day we'll be "roommates" than what is the purpose

so i let go

and i'll let it fall where it falls

and i am finally really ok with it

wild flower

2011-03-18T10:54:00.003-04:00

by new birth

have you ever heard it?
its one of the most beautiful songs

"let the rain fall down upon her.......she's free and gentle flower growing wild, she is my flower"

I love this song...I remember the first time i heard it, i was in high school, my older brother big W, always had an ear for music, plus he was born in the 1972 (unlike myself who is a 1980 baby)

so my parents were in their 20s and they were jammin, my dad loves music so the house was always pumpin i am sure...so when i was younger that love for music was passed on to me through my brother...

random but how i am feeling

so that brings me to my current point:
has anyone seen that Gucci man "I don't love her" video?
have you all listened to the lyrics?
if you haven't, go youtube it and come back, i'll wait

ok you done

now here is the thing i wanted to yell and scream at this bama this morning

"DUDE she don't love you either! and if it wasn't for the money in your pocket or the car you was driven she wouldn't be paying you no mind...and further more have YOU looked at YOURSELF, but whatever works for you boo"

i just can't believe that some folks think that they are all that, and maybe he really doesn't think that but really in a song?

now don't get me wrong i am a woman that realizes that there are different types of women
there is
the slut
the roller
the holy roller
the lady
the golddigger
the bitch
and the queen

i am not not one of those women that is disillusioned to believe that there isn't a variety when it comes to the type of women that are out here, or that some women have once belonged in one category and transferred to another OR that someone is a combination of various categories

the problem i have is that allow there is a variety in the types of women there isn't a variety in the types of music

i recall lil wayne saying and i paraphrase because i can't remember something like he tells the truth about women that there are in fact bitches in the world

i can't say that he's lying, i have all brothers, yes there are some bitches in the world

and like david banner once said, "i still love my queens but bitches hipped me to the game"

*shrugs*

ok

but where are the songs about "wild flowers" or flying our "pretty wings" to me there isn't enough balance

music today is completely unbalanced and i am tired of hearing about the bitches and what they do and not about the queens!

that's why you got these 30 year old thugs running around here thinking this type of thing is cute

now mind i will again say, women themselves determine how a man treats them...like my man said the other day "if you are being treated like a roller, you may have roller tendencies"

but stop talking about just the one side

talk about the whole spectrum of women and who we are and what we bring to the table

there are a lot of ladies and queens in the world who walk the walk and talk the talk, head healed high and handling our business, we aren't perfect but we strive to be the best that we can be

can i get a song...thanks!

umi says...the people

2011-03-15T11:44:00.003-04:00

so i have come to a crossroads or conclusion in my life

i have decided to step down at the end of the year from Kiamsha as the director

its just time, its been 10 years, its run its course and its time for new people to come in and pump some fresh blood into the organization and the youth

i love the kids

so i will always be around but i just don't have it in me to go every monday night anymore

i am as my homegirl said "on the upswing of life" i am trying to build things right now and its not fair to the kids or the organization if i feel like my attention needs to be on my life and what i am personally trying to do

i got kids to feed (yes i know dramatic) but i do and spending time with those kids and family and figuring out what i want to do with my life right now is key

its just that time

what will i know do with my monday nights?

i have no idea, maybe focus on school or building a life for myself

i will always give back that's apart of my spirit, my blood, my dna...maybe i'll focus on mentoring one on one, or just being there for the few youngins that i know that have already come through

this world can be a cruel place and we all can use all the support we can get

maybe i'll finally go back to school and study african american history get my PhD

maybe i'll have a kid of my own

its just time to let that part of my life go and move on and forward

my heart isn't IN IT like it was before like it should be these youngins need people that aren't tired of the politics of things or frustrated with the way things are done or not done...

now what to do next?

Protect it

2011-03-14T09:30:00.002-04:00

"hard work is protect it gotta respect..." gods'illa

that's how i am feeling about life and how and where i am at presently

there has been a lot happening in my life lately and sometimes more often than not i have been reverting back to a lot of bad habits i had outgrown and i realized that i was doing that

i worked really hard not to let people, places, and things, get me out of the character that i am developing

main ingredient for that character for me is PEACE

period

that's all i want is peace, to be peace and to bring peace

and i realize that you can't expect for anyone to protect or appreciate all that you have accomplished or are trying to accomplish because no one works for what you have but you

whether its mental, emotional, spiritual, or least material

its not theirs, its YOURS so if you want it, if you want to hold on to it

YOU GOTTA PROTECT IT

that's the end

so with this lesson or reminder if you will presented to me

i am no longer angry

i just am

because i realize that the ONLY person that my happiness depends on or my safety depends on or my sanity depends on or my tranquility depends on or my peace depends on

is me and the Almighty

that's it...

nothing and no one else is responsible or will ever be responsible for me but me and the one that's been with me from the beginning and will be with me in the end

and with this reminder i move on

rain drops

2011-03-10T13:11:00.002-05:00

its raining outside

and that is pretty much how i feel on the inside

maybe the older i get the less patience i have about or with certain things, but i have come to learn a few things about myself lately, i don't love in between, either i love you and i give you all i got, or i don't fool with you at all...there isn't any gray area for me

i don't know how not to love and nurture, support and encourage, and just give the best of me to the person i love

but i have learned i don't take as long as i used to, to get feed up with the dumb stuff

not long at all...

i've said it before it doesn't take all day to recognize sunshine, and maybe my packaging isn't the prettiest or the smallest but my heart shines like gold

i remember once a friend said to me "maybe you aren't meant to be married" that comment still lingers and she doesn't even probably realize the damage she did that day (another example of how words do hurt) or how things will never be the same between us and i have always looked are her differently since...

and those words hang over my head like a curse

maybe love, marriage, children, the things i want most in this world on this earth aren't meant for me

i am really starting to believe that its not going to happen

i guess everything aint for everybody

i'd rather be alone than "with" someone and insecure, unsure and confused because of the
onesidedness of it all...

i guess i'll just be hopeless

because right now i don't believe anymore that i can have it all

time to face reality and get back to being just me

frustration

2011-02-25T16:22:00.003-05:00

i haven't been really really frustrated in a LONG time
but i am definitely there again...

i don't like being off centered and i am really off centered right now

i don't get off until 6 tonight and my house looks a straight up mess! It needs to be cleaned so that I can have some sense of peace, I have to do it...but i am soooo very very tired right now
i have to work tomorrow
i am working on sunday
i have two papers and discussion participation due sunday by midnight
i need to go grocery shopping
i need to start working out again
i need to do laundry
i need to CLEAN

i am not happy right now

i totally have been neglecting myself and focusing on others and trying to help them get set up and i don't feel appreciated at all for it
and their stuff is good and straight, house clean set up, food in the crib, the whole nine...MY house looks like a tornado hit it and i don't have anything in there remotely considered editable

why? smh

i have no one to blame but myself

i care too much and i don't want to care much anymore i want to not care at all and i wish i could just turn my feelings off and not be bothered

i am now frustrated at work, and i will say i am very fortunate but i am frustrated because i am trying to move forward and take advantage of some things and initially it was "go for it" now its "are you sure" yes i am sure and i am applying if i get it that's not up to me but i am trying for it and i'll prove myself like i always do

why do i always have to prove something to someone in some form or fashion in my life?

so very very frustrating...so now i just want to simply do my work and mind my business and go home that's it that's all...

i am in the top 10 even more top than that but its not relevant, but i am producing and working hard but whatever

so again i am frustrated

did you say you want one thing, but you haven't acted on it in any shape or form and you wonder why i don't really care about what you just said...i do care, but i don't...why should i
love is a verb and i can't tell sir...

i have learned a lot of things in this lil life of mines and one thing is for sure is not getting head over heels with words...words mean nothing to me, NOTHING if you don't act like it on a consistent basis i could care less
consistency
stability
loyalty

if i don't feel confident in those things, then welp i don't know what to tell you

heck i don't even know what to tell myself

frustrated

update

2011-02-03T21:19:00.002-05:00

ummmm so i am sick YET AGAIN

this time i am sick with the flu...

here is what i learned during this week of being off from work (which i could NOT afford, however such is life) 1. i need to find a new primary care doctor because that chick told me i had a cold and i told her it wasn't a cold but she dismissed what i was saying

LESSON: keep listening to my body and find a new primary care doctor

2. if all else fells a minute clinic/urgent care place like patient first in the DMV area is AWESOME...2 hours later i have a true diagnosis of the flu and all it took was them swabbing my nose, but they also took a chest x-ray and blood work...2 hours later a proper diagnosis and i am on my way...

i think i'll be working next weekend both Saturday and Sunday because i definitely want my 4 day weekend and I definitely don't have any leave and i need to build that up...i'll probably work late every day the week of V day makes me no difference i do have to be careful now though because i have other work now

SIDE NOTE: why is that awful show "the steve harvey project" currently on my tv, its on mute because i was doing homework/school work (we'll get to that in a minute) but anyways why immediately when i looked up at the sistah on i KNEW she was wearing a wig...smh sad

yes i have decided on a certificate program it may end up being another master's degree but honestly, i am not that pressed so it really may just be a certificate...i am taking 3 classes and 1 of them isn't graded but required, its a research course but my thing is if you already have a graduate degree why do i have to take this mess! but its cool...i have gotten a 8 out of 8 on my first quiz and 7 out of 8 on my second...

the entire thing is online again but i think i am better prepared for it this semester than last...plus the certification is in my field and has the words "management" behind it...and being that i have determined that i want to go into the management track at my current job this will allow me to go to another level

so the feds have put a hiring freeze into effect...so that means we currently are hiring anyone outside of the agency and it also means that you can't go anywhere either!

now we still haven't determined what we "are" and we both decided that we wouldn't make a move until next year anyways...meaning that whatever THIS is, to be fair we are "exclusively" figuring this out...meaning we aren't dealing with anyone else while during this process to give it a fair shot...now the reason being that 1. people get second chances, not thirds and 2 if this s it then this is IT, period the end! stamp it we are both done, off the market for good, marriage...so its not like date, bf/gf, engaged, then marriage, pretty much skip the second stage and start planning for marriage...but for now, its a friendship and its going to be long distance...i just need to get used to this whole long distance thing again...

only on weekends will i get to see the person...and my lil person...that's tough right?

but we are both in school and working full time and he's a full time single parent so time is tight anyways during the weeks that makes communicating so very important

we'll see though because you know things seem one way and can easily shift another especially when its all on the winds of "figuring it out"

oh i have been in this house a year, i think i said that last post...OH but i did figure out that there is program in MD that you can apply for that keeps your taxes from jumping up all crazy, you know i applied so now i must wait and see what happens next...fingers crossed...

it seems like, or i know rather that every time something seems to not be working for me or not like its going to work out, things tend to work out

so i just glanced down and i have 4.4 days worth of music on my itunes (did i mention i stepped on and cracked my second ipod nano touch CLASSIC) not enough i need more music...how about i stop being lazy and download all my CDs on this thing

SIDE NOTE: golden decides she likes trash, so she has been snacking on random things the last two days, she just came in front of me and looks like she is in pain, so i motion for her to sit on the couch with me, what does she do, stands there and throws up on my carpet! incredible, not the hardwood floor, the carpet...great

i am feeling better though because i cleaned today...i couldn't take it anymore...i am still tired though and being that i was sick i have a lot of work to catch up on for school and i am sure next week will be a bit much...

i wonder how long its going to take before something is determined, i wonder how long i'll be willing to let this unknown state carry on? it doesn't take a whole day to recognize sunshine right?

556

2011-01-27T20:47:00.002-05:00

that's the number of this post

i don't have a title because there are so many things going on in my head

so my mortgage jumped by dag on near $200 a month because the taxes on this house went UP!

huh? like that didn't compute when i bought this place that you know at the yearly tax assessment or due to an increase in your insurance your monthly payment can go up or down and here i was thinking that by getting a fixed interest rate i knew what my mortgage payment would be

had i known this i wouldn't have went out and bought a new truck (well new to me) but still new

GLAD i didn't jump out there on the 35K + Audi Q7 i'd be mad short right about now...

mind you i was JUST feeling good about the purchase this morning because i wasn't sliding last night in the snow that hit the DMV AND i was about to drive right over the snow in my driveway to get out and go to work since the feds decided all people needed was a 2 hour delay, mind you i slept in this peace with NO power last night and didn't have any this morning so it was touch and go if i was going to make it in...

but when you have NO leave and a week long cruise that's been paid for coming up, you find the way to get your hindmost to work...

i digress...

i promise that all of this being positive for people and trying to be a cheerleader is definitely being a drain on me...

but i said my piece and i will have my peace ya dig

i saw a young couple on the train today...they have 5 kids...looked like they were back to back to back...including the one that wasn't even a year yet in the stroller...here's the thing, all the kids were happy, healthy, clean and the young couple were married (at least they had on wedding rings) and they looked happy...i wonder why we don't see images like that...hell anybody in THIS economy with 5 kids could be struggling...and they maybe...but they were happy and there was a lot of love and respect between all of them...made me smile

well looks like something is going to have to get cut WAY out in my life in order to make this payments and still be good...time to make decisions and once again put on my big guru drawers and keep it moving...

another lesson learned on my own as an adult

geesh

communication

2011-01-15T12:46:00.003-05:00

i have said it before and i will say it again

COMMUNICATION is KEY!

there is no way around that, if you can't tell the other person in your life what is going on, why you feel this way or that, or why this happened or that, heck why you are running late its going to cause a problem!

PERIOD!

the end...put a stamp on it seal it and deliver it, i'll pay the postage for it...

why don't people get that...its not that hard to just open your mouth...its not like i grew up in the best home for communication either, however, i know that as adult you can't constantly blame what happened in your life as a child on how you behave now...so therefore you take stock you look at what it is and you make the proper adjustments so that you can have a happier and healthier life than your parents provided you, as they tried to do for you...you know we are supposed to do better than our parents right, that's what they tell us all the time...

so be better

do better

why?

because you know better!

period you know good and freaking well what is going on and what isn't...

COMMUNICATE THAT!

people need to stop acting as if the TRUTH was some sort of crippling aliment or something

its the TRUTH straight up clear as day, black and white, nothing gray or purple or pink or red about it

it just is...and when people care about you they can accept the truth they can deal with the truth they will bare with you, why? because you told the truth

however, when you are constantly lacking the willingness to communicate and then act like communicating is the worse thing on the planet

well then i have a problem because i tend to live in black and white i don't and can't nor will i live in gray

why?

because i don't have to

look back...

2011-01-05T16:22:00.002-05:00

i was at work today

not being that productive but productive

and i went back to 2006 and read some of my old blogs

a couple of things i have noticed

1. i don't get as HEATED as i used to, i was HOT a lot back then
2. there clearly aren't as many people left in blog land
3. i don't talk about HALF the stuff i used to talk about

DUDE
i was funny
sometimes deep
i talked about political stuff
religious stuff
my family
everyday LIFE

now, i am sure that the past year or so has been about LOVE and the lack there of in my life
well i know i blogged about my house and my job and my dog
but mainly its been about LOVE

i guess i am in that phase of my life, being 30 and all, that i still want that in my life

but geesh is that ALL there is to me?
is there all that there is to my life wanting and waiting for love?
if that is it, i am about as deep as a tic

and i would like to think that i am deeper than an insect that sucks the blood off of pure defenseless animals as its nourishment

i used to write, like really write
maybe i was deeper than because i was in graduate school
maybe going back to school will give me new and interesting things to blog about
maybe i need to write more about the random thoughts that go through my head on a daily basis as i walk the streets of DC

or maybe i am simply boring...

i don't go out that much any more and besides the random crazy phone call, as i got today from my parents, yelling and my father in the background talking about the size of his prostate (of which included information that as his child i have NO NEED to know) or my mother calling me complaining about Madea for the umpteenth time OR my brother complaining or fussing about whatever issues he has

i really don't have much to talk about

i like being boring though, its less dramatic, still has its moments but less dramatic none the less...

i mean i know people going through break ups, i know people falling in love

i tend to have a lot of thoughts and feelings on the matters but i don't know they seem to get lost in between my brain and the keys

i haven't even written in poetry lately...

maybe its time to tap back into LIFE

love is great and everything but dude let's face it, my reality is that its me, my little dog, in my little house, with my not so little yet nice new ride...LOL

its just me

i think its time to get back to ME a little more than i have been on this blog...

hopes and dreams are all nice and errythin but i think i'll enjoy the current ride i am on a little bit more than i have been

Happy 2011!

2011-01-03T16:19:00.004-05:00

So i think this is like what my 5th year blogging now

wow...

incredible

i remember i started June of 2006, oh how time has flown past

and 552 (this marks 553) blogs later here we are 4 and 1/2 years in the blog game

a lot of folks have come and gone or even changed up the content of what it is that they are talking about, but still the same remains, me and my willingness to share what is going on with the world no matter what or how embarrassing or how happy, sad, mad or glad...

i would like to think that people would definitely find it something that they could relate to or make them laugh or something out of this thing

the fact still remains those that the main reason i blog is for me...to get out what i need to say and hopefully get some feedback from those out there in cyberland

see the one thing i have learned over these past years is that no matter how strong or "together" we all think we are, we aren't! period the end!

so i have grown a lot and i truly do appreciate the fact that even through i have fallen on my face numerous times, my family (including my blog family) have been there to support me

right now i am definitely going through a time of transition...my holiday season definitely was a wonderful one...one of the BEST i have had in years!

i spent it with close family friend and their family and then with my extended family and god children, NYE same close family and in church...it was just peaceful no drama and fun as well...

i thought that December was turning out to be just like December 2009, but i was completely WRONG...i have said it before and i'll say it again, a day, an hour, a minute, a second can definitely make all the difference in the world on how you see and view things

things aren't where I think they should be, but who am i right?
i know that things need to be shown, i know that we both have to be sure, we ARE talking about a LIFE TIME COMMITMENT here, lifetime, like years, like forever, forever eva, eva eva...
as much as i deem myself to be ready to be a wife (although up until my bible study on the subject about 4 months ago i really thought i was ready until bibilically i learned i wasn't even close) i have come to conclude that clearly GOD is still working some things out before that move can be made...being a wife and mother (instantly) won't be easy, but as long as he is secure in his decision to have me in his life i think i'll be ok

i think that's the thing, every woman, well ok, i'll speak for me, i want to know that you believe and feel like i am the missing piece to your puzzle...i mean we all can function and move on with life but do we want to is the question? like sure the two of them would be fine without me, but do you want to?

so now i sit back i watch and i wait to see what 2011 has in store for me...not easy, its not easy letting go and not having control over things

but in my work life when i did that, things turned out alright, in my financial life i did that and things turned out better than expected...i worked at it but i just allowed things to fall where they were going to fall...and they fell right into place

now i must allow love to do the same thing...totally not that easy but we shall see

alright, alright, alright

2010-12-21T16:29:00.003-05:00

i am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO tired right now

i have an hour left at work and i am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ready to go

i have a suit on today that is literally falling off of me, i guess the weight loss is a reality...my co-workers have noticed...

so the kevin hart show was AWESOME like AWESOME like SO SO SO AWESOME

and i might add that i WON! yes your girl was FLYY and i am not basing it on the fact that i really literally was FLYY but based on his reaction to my outfit...

its always nice when you are getting dressed and you can tell that they weren't expecting what you have on...like this look like oh wow you are wearing that NICE...

plus if you add the fact that what HE wore, i picked out anyways than I still won...CLASSIC

when i say kevin hart is freaking HA LA RI OUS!

what...plus add some cheesecake factory for the after show dinner...

top notch night

not to say the weekend wasn't or didn't have its "moments of irritation" we definitely have to find the balance with each other i think when you are with anyone for what 2 and 1/2 days there are bound to be moments...

good thing is we vibe GREAT and work well as a team with the lil one...the bond that he and i have is there and we three vibe and work to get things done together well...

the issue i am having now though is getting to close...because if things don't work out i don't want to once again distance myself from the family, including this child...so now i find myself in a conundrum, although we have both decided that we will see where things go and allow things to flow...i still have to be mindful because it isn't just us, there is a child also involved...

all in all the weekend was good, not GREAT, but good and realistic

now to figure out what i shall be doing for the holidays

551

2010-12-15T16:18:00.002-05:00

that's the number of this post

and since i don't have a title for it, it will do

wow i have written 551 posts that's mad crazy son...in my NYC voice

i have had a lot of blog topics come in and out of my mind the last view days and i wanted to blog but there has been so much going on that i just haven't had the time

if you are here in the DMV its OH SO COLD outside right now

like so cold i went and got a fofafur hat, you know one of those big hats people wear in places like Alaska! hahahaha

well if you saw a crazy lady with one on and a bubble coat this morning on the Metro that was me...actually there were a lot of people on the metro with similar hats but the older ladies had the fofamink ones on LOL

i am in a good place as the year ends, like emotionally i have my feelings (remember you guys i have come to NOT like having feelings at all)

living outside of yourself

2010-12-08T11:13:00.003-05:00

Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.
Romans 12:10

so this really pulls together how i have been feeling about love lately

see love is one of the most SELFLESS things you can ever do in this life because when you love someone, its totally NOT about you anymore

see loving someone else means that you love them as THEY need to be loved

am i still not making sense?

see we all have a love language:

words of affirmation

quality time

receiving gifts

acts of service

physical touch

we all have a way in which we need love to be expressed to us, and no two people are alike, most people have a primary and secondary language

me i NEED communication and time

so how i need to be loved and how you need to be loved are going to be different, sometimes the same, but may be different

so when you love someone, you go outside of yourself and you love them how THEY NEED to be loved and you don't do it because you feel like you'll get it back, because in reality you may not get it back, but because you love this person SO MUCH you are willing to go outside of yourself and just love on them how they need to be loved and you hope they love you enough to love you how YOU NEED to be loved

again, love is the most selfless thing you can ever do because when you truly love someone you love them how they need to be love for no other reason than you wanting to make them happy and making them happy makes you happy

i hope you followed that i know it was a little around and around in a circle type of deal but hey that's what's on my mind right now

decorations

2010-12-06T08:17:00.003-05:00

so am i the ONLY person that could care less about holiday decorations?

i admit when i was a child this was the BEST time of year, not my fav, my bday has always been my FAVORITE...but the holidays from thanksgiving to Christmas definitely was THE next best thing and don't forget the time off from school

but now that i am a young adult (still will not claim that i am a straight up adult)

i could really CARE LESS about holiday decorations

i definitely believe if i had children i would be in the "spirit" of things

my co-worker was like "you have your decorations up?"

my response: "what decorations? i don't have any kids"

yep that's my excuse or reasoning

i mean what is the point in trying to decorate if you don't have a family

i mean the holidays are for family time and since i don't have a family i prefer to just act like its just any other time of the year...i definitely enjoyed thanksgiving this year and i am sure i will enjoy the day with extended family

but for now and definitely in the near future, i.e. next year, i don't foresee any decorations over here

p.s. i do NOT like holiday music...yea i know

December...

2010-12-05T18:20:00.004-05:00

i don't know what to title this so just decided not to

i have a cold and this post nasal drip is KILLING me...like really its bothering me like crazy

and every now and then it gets really bad and the coughing begins

but my mind is running

i think a lot of people go through this at the end of the year

you start assessing, evaluating things to see what things you grew from and what things you would be just find leaving behind in 2010...

this was written to me last year:

Anonymous said...

You really have a lot going for you right now. I know it gets hard when your lonely but it's not your time to share your life with some one yet. In due time you will and he will be more than you ever wanted in a man. Concentrate on doing you now for thats where GOD wants you to be. With all of my Love, peace

and nothing has changed this year i am pretty much at the same place

so i really have to evaluate where i am and moving forward

so that's where i am right now

i am in the midst of assessing a lot of things and you know what a lot of my decisions would be a whole lot easier if it wasn't for my heart

the bible warns that the heart is a traitorous thing

and boy oh boy is it right

see because common sense and logic can play in all it wants but once the heart has its mind set on something you can get stuck

well i can't get stuck we have already been there when i have made it really clear that i can NOT fall back on my face when it comes to the L word

it just can't happen and i won't let it happen

I have been through WAY too much for me to have to deal with this type of foolishness at this point in my life at this age

so a lot of praying and soul searching has to be done on my part in terms of what it is what i want to do because leaving this behind in 2010 will be HUGE and it will mean turning away from a possible future

but that's the thing, possibilities are great when you have something to hope and have faith in but faith without works is dead and words are just that words they don't mean much without the effort

so December is going to be a huge month for me and it will definitely prove to be one that will set a course for 2011, for better or for worse

really random

2010-12-02T08:37:00.002-05:00

so my NEW ipod nano screen is already CRACKED
really?
COME ON i just bought this thing like 3 weeks ago!
well that's why i paid for the insurance because it is going BACK
Thank you

so i realized something about myself

as a woman, when it comes to relationships, with the opposite sex
i need a few things (beyond you given, faithful, loyal, honest..)
i need STABILITY
yep, i need for you to be consistent
i need for there to be a routine

i am a routine type of person
i pretty much do the same thing day in and day out
including what i eat

it may seem pretty boring to most people, but i am definitely o k with being boring

of course we all like a little spice, surprise, something different every now and then
but i am a creature of habit and well it makes me feel safe and therefore SANE

see that's what is definitely MOST important in my life right now is peace and sanity

it makes me as a woman feel safe and secure

i don't like having room to wonder, to think, or ponder certain things

especially LOVE

it should just be and has to be a given

so if you aren't the most romantic...

if you aren't the most spontaneous

if we live in the most generic of love songs

as long as you are consistent and reliable (in the positive, because you can always be a consistently an ass as well)

i don't know am i crazy?

i know i can be but i think with this it isn't much to ask

on another note day 5 of NO MEAT and its not that hard, again because i am a creature of habit i just eat the same thing and keep it moving

working out daily and things seem to be really coming along

i am seeing the difference on the scale, not really in my shape just yet...it probably just water weight, but maybe not because this time i am working out with it so i am hoping that this will be sustainable weight loss

even if i cut up on the weekends a little bit, if i can make eating well during the week a habit and working out a habit, just apart of my daily routine then i think i may be able to get where i want to be or need to be rather for health reasons and i'll be able to hopefully stay there

in short i am finding and fighting my way to happiness

i think its definitely something that is a conscious effort to do every single day of your life
and i am choosing to be as happy as i can be

the things that i can't control i have to let go of and simply focus on the things that i can control and right now the only thing i can control is ME

no meat

2010-11-29T14:21:00.002-05:00

that's what i am on this week

no meat

period the end

i am not doing the raw food diet but I am going to go without any form of meat this week

you can get your protein from other things like beans and plus i already drink BOOST daily because i don't eat red meat or pork anymore...

so basically i will be going without poultry and seafood this week

i started yesterday and i am pretty much doing a liquid thing with beans a lot of veggies/salad and tofu...

NO sauce either (i know)

just left the gym, i pretty much have been going every single day i did rest yesterday because Saturday i moved my girl P and being that she was on the top floor let's just say that was my workout for the day...it was worth it though she is SO happy

you know i love seeing the people in my life happy

i spent tim with close friends and family this weekend and even snuck in an extra day off, TODAY...i needed it i was tired i didn't do much but i guess my body is just tired

i have noticed that since i have started working out i am not nearly as hungry as i used to be...it may also be because i have started getting my calcium levels together to combat my vitamin D deficiency...man that thing causes mad problems including weight gain...so that explains a lot huh since i am allergic to all things lactose

anyways its amazing to me that people even out this age don't think before the "speak" or should i say text...really dude..classic

good thing is that i learned a long time ago that words don't mean much anything anyways...because unless you are acting on it then it won't matter much to me

so with that being said your girl is surely about to be about it

2010 is coming to a close really quickly and i have really accomplished some things but in other areas i have been straight BS'ing and really when it came to myself mentally, physically and emotionally have been slipping and have just been going with the flow of life and things

i am way to old now to just be going with the flow so i am taking action and focusing on myself...it feels good too because i am focused man....

so i am going to stay focused and cleanse my system

NO MEAT

let's see how long i can do this for

NOTHING

2010-11-23T10:54:00.003-05:00

why is it soooooo hard for me to find some cute shoes, booties or boots this season!

i had the same issue last season...

just like the season before booties became popular i saw some and went running around looking for some and people thought that i was absolutely crazy...

i want something cute for this comedy show...why because i have been CHALLENGED LOL

so now i am looking for something, plus i haven't had a reason to really get dressed up or anything for anything recently...and i am kinda looking forward to being cute and looking cute...
hey i am still a girl you know...LOL

i already have my workout plan set, some other little things set, including my hair and i will be making my mani/pedi appointment

i just found out we get out 2 hours early tomorrow...wooohoooo...what does that really mean for me? the GYM! for not 1 hour but maybe even 2...why not push myself i have nothing else to do or i could just take Golden for a really good walk and then hit the gym...that sounds like a plan, it will be a switch up in the routine...and gets her a good walk in...i think i shall repeat this for the rest of the week...she'll be happy for sure

that's what i realized, i like going and working out because otherwise i would just be sitting at home doing absolutely NOTHING and while that is one of my favorite past times, especially after weekends like the one i just had with the kiamsha youth...lov them kids but man i can't run off of 2-3 hours of sleep like i used to

side note: i really enjoy how honest the Kiamsha youth are this year...they are dealing with stuff i can't even imagine and it really makes me feel like we really need to start something with Middle school kids, because its like by the time they get to us at 14 so much has already taken place or happened, and it seems to be a lot of it has to do with sexuality...then you think about it and everything is so hyper sexed now...i can see how they would be confused and curious...but curiosity kills the kat...literally these days...i need to think about this...

i am not as cranky this time as i have been before when i start to eat right...maybe because i know that it needs to be done...plus i have figured out that when you spread the little things out and eat more often you aren't as hungry and cranky...and i also think that working out helps me not feel as hungry either

i can't wait to get my hair done on Friday...man oh man...i need it done oh so bad...i can't wait to sit in that chair and get it washed...i love girlie stuff like that...and then i will definitely be getting a mani/pedi this weekend...and maybe a movie...i have yet to see "for colored girls" i hear its a really good cry so i could always use one of those as well...a good cry AND of course i want to see harry potter! so maybe i'll do TWO movies this weekend on top of all the working out and cleaning i'll be doing the house is a mess...and golden needs a bath...so plenty of work and chilling to be done this weekend...i think i shall enjoy it

let me show you...

2010-11-22T15:36:00.002-05:00

the way to go

man i love music!

what in the world would i be doing right now if it wasn't for the music thumping in my ears right now

if you read this blog even in passing its pretty obvious how important and how much i need music in my life

at one point this year i was going through a phase were all my blog titles were the names of songs, that incidentally were probably playing at the time that i decided to write the blog post

today is one of those days i definitely need music because i am exhausted...i should have just gotten up at 4:40am this morning when my brother came yelling up the steps to Golden who evidently went to the bathroom by his bathroom at some point during the night...she tends to do that to him, she doesn't do that to me though...

so i am going to the kevin hart show in philly next month, or should i say i am planning to attend, depends on how things go with homie, but the tickets have been purchased...

soooo i need an outfit, especially after the CHALLENGE that was put out there today...
"i will be flyer than you at the show lol"
really homie
all i said back was "i can show you betta than i can tell you"

don't play me play lotto...CLASSIC

today i shall be embarking on the new gym by my house so we shall see how that works, they have the $10 a month no commitment agreement there and i really only need it for days off and the weekends because i like the gym at my job and it forces me to go straight from work...but i also need the option for when i am off every other friday and the weekends because i do like working out and i do like how it feels once i am done

i feel like i have done something for myself and that's a good feeling...

i am going through another phase

i wish i could show myself the friggin way right now

for the most part i am cool though, but really i don't have a problem telling people how i am feeling lately and i keep it moving...

i guess you just get tired of people thinking its one way and they have no clue at all who you are, none what so ever...

ok i am loud, i have a strong personality, i laugh, i joke, whatever...

but i am still sensitive and i still have feelings and you can't just say what you want and think it doesn't bother me...further more, i am not the butt of anyone's jokes...but its cool keep thinking what you want to think and thinking you know

you know what they say about folks who assume...

right...

exactly...

i am like an onion, i have many layers to me...some i am still figuring out so how do you think you have me figured out?

again its cool

i know who knows me and they don't judge, front or fake, they love me flaws and all and allow me to grow and help me to grow...that's all i need really

and i think that's what i have to do, i have to stop allowing people and their so called "opinions" affect me

i wish i could also show him the way...but i can't and i won't actually for that matter
its up to him to figure it out, all out...
i won't say i need for my life to be a movie, or a novel, but i would love for it to be a GREAT love song...

yep a love song...like the moon by eric roberson
or beautiful by musiq
or the truth by india or love of my life by Erykah or the way by Jill... or even we r one by Maze
i want the song or SONGS to come on and feel them in my soul not because that's what i want but because that's what i HAVE

but i as of right now its just always will by tweet because regardless you always will and i know that...but i want more than that..is that so wrong? to want more than this

patience

uggg i have no patience...i wish i could fast forward sometimes and see my life in like 5 years just see how it ends up

not knowing is what bothers me the most...but is it that i don't know, because i really do...

but i have to have faith right...that's the point of life-believing and having faith in that which we can't see or know right now

the reality is i live in my little house with my little dog and a not so little brother in my basement...all the other stuff isn't my reality and i know me i live for a good love song a good love story so i can't even get myself wrapped up in the "woulda shoulda couldas" of life

nope

i must live and continue to live in my reality and hopefully one day i'll have my love song, someone will love me enough to want to play out our own love song until the end

just one of them days...

2010-11-18T09:38:00.002-05:00

when i am angry inside and i want to be all alone...

yep that's how i am feeling today

blown
angry
in pain
PMS'in
bloated

ugggggggggggg

times like this i don't even like myself

i had been feeling good because i have gotten back into a gym routine...here's what i have figured out though, i can't go home...period the end!

i have to pack a gym bag and go from work straight there and THEN go home because once home i won't feel like doing anything...

the metro is right there by the gym and i don't have to transfer

so let's just say i went from a high at the beginning of the week to this LOW

i don't like it i don't like all these friggin hormonal things that are happening with my body but more over i do not like all these emotional thoughts nor do i like this feeling of being drained like completely wiped out!

it sucks and i don't like it

there is a lot going on in my head and my heart right now that i am not liking or getting and its just going to take time to work through all these things

right now i just want to be quiet

i even cancelled my hair appointment for today because i am not feeling well and don't want to be bothered i don't even think i will be making it all day at work...as a matter a fact i KNOW that i won't make it all day at work today...

i just can't i want to be at home with my dog on my couch sleep....

i guess its just one of those days

i'd rather be by myself...

2010-11-09T20:38:00.001-05:00

nothing else needs to be said!

sweet home Alabama

2010-11-09T13:13:00.003-05:00

that's what i was supposed to had been singing tomorrow night

but NOPE i am not going

i am tired, drained and i am not feeling well

i want to see my parents though and if i could just box them two up and take them away with just me and them for a couple of days i would do just that

another part of me not going is Golden

seems my brother needs surgery and he won't be home this weekend, he was my sitter

i could have someone come and take her out twice a day but that's pretty mean to keep her locked up by herself all that time

i could also put her in a kennel, that's going to cost me a whole lot of money and i don't want my dog in no kennel PERIOD

yes call me crazy but i love my dog and i don't want anyone "taking care" of my dog

my mother is like i don't think its meant for you to come so just cancel everything out

i am sitting here at work trying my best to stay awake and trying to stay focused

do you know i went to bed last night at 9pm?! i was KNOCKED out like seriously...

who goes to bed that early anymore? i don't know people i am just tired

maybe me and the boo boo can go to the beach, she would like that...i might just go down to Chesapeake beach that's what 30 minutes from my house and we just walk around and enjoy some me time

you ever WANT to get away but you just don't have the energy to get away...
well that's how i am feeling right now...

I NEED A VACATION but i just don't have the energy to even take one!

silence

2010-11-03T08:40:00.004-04:00

that's where i want to be

i want to sit in the corner in silence in a dark room by myself

that's it and that's all

i don't want to reflect

i don't want to talk

i don't want to care or be forced to care or to smile or anything that resembles an emotion

i just want to be silence

i wanted to write it all out, journal it all out

but then i couldn't

everyone, well not everyone, but people close to me, want to know what's wrong, are you ok? are you mad? what's wrong?

'ehhh' i don't know and right now i don't care

i just want to be silent

i don't even want to think

maybe that's why i have been so "on it" this week at work because working hard makes me not think about anything other than work

so if you don't hear from me, i am cool, i just prefer silence inside of myself and not the noise of the world or my thoughts for that matter

Life pieces

2010-10-25T11:41:00.002-04:00

here is another great prose by my homie EJ

one thing about life is that it always has a way of giving you what you need when you need it, even when you don't know you needed it to begin with

life, its nothing but little pieces that make a whole, like a puzzle
but in life there are millions of pieces and we all have some of the same kinds of pieces and then we all have some different ones.
the real trick is that all the pieces really can fit anywhere you put them
but its our choice who we put them together or take them apart;
and the where and when we place them that create our image;
if you just FORCE them at random or indiscriminately your picture will just be a mess
HOWEVER sometimes there is great beauty to be found in the messiest images
(balance)

but at the end of life all we can hope is that we leave behind a beautiful picture to inspire and suggest ways others can manipulate their pieces.

the rest is simply out of our control

i don't like not "knowing" things...like there are somethings you just won't know and its cool to know that you are learning and growing as a person

you know what it is, i don't like not knowing where i stand with people with emotions

i have said it before and i'll say it again i do NOT like feelings and the feelings that having feelings can sometimes bring...

i know you shouldn't wish turning off feelings but i do

and i would rather be wise and cautious than to just listen to my heart...i have said all i am going to say and done all i am going to do

and the reality is when someone can't tell you where you stand or fully express or try to express why or how they feel for you what they claim that they do, you don't stand anywhere with them at all

so its like forcing the pieces of the puzzle to fit and in this case the mess won't be beautiful because all you do is prolong the inevitable

mind of matter

wisdom over heart

only way to go right now

ford music

2010-10-24T19:47:00.003-04:00

yes...

i made up my own title to my own song because i don't have an aston martin i drive a ford

so i bumps ford music...CLASSIC

i tend to not like ricky rozzay or whatever he calls himself but i DO love that song

i especially love Chrisette's look...she's being so true to herself and she looks flawless

i also gravitate towards Drake's courous because it sounds like ole dude...

Bible study was awesome today, we are studying about what makes a family really work and today's lesson was on the role of a husband his responsibility and friday we will go over the wife's role and her responsibility and i can't wait! you have to be prepared and learn how to grow as a person

so not only will i know what will be needed from his position but I NEED TO KNOW WHAT I NEED TO DO AND WHO I NEED TO BE

i think so many times we focus on what the other person needs to be doing or the IBM (ideal black man) list...its just a bunch of crap if its not from a biblical stand point you gotta know the role and be willing to grow together....

"and the two shall become ONE"

that's totally deep and you have to be on the same page in order to do that

anyways i digress in order to get to that point you gotta have your half of the two correct and in order

so i am totally going to just focus on me and not really in terms of trying to be a wife but just trying to be the best i can be

i have evolved so much over the past year or so not just years...like i am at a point in my life where i say what i need to say and i keeps it moving

i don't have to yell or curse or be mean or belittle or even WIN

i just say what i need to say and keep it moving and hope for the best

i think that's what is the best thing for me to do, do what i have to do and hope for the best

cranky

2010-10-14T10:09:00.003-04:00

yep
i am in a pissy mood

like a really pissy mood and it wasn't until just now that i realized why

i am yet again on my working out and losing weight thing...so that means i haven't had any starch since Monday, no rice, no bread, no muffins, no croissants, potatoes, NOTHING

NOTHING I FREAKING LOVE TO EAT

nope instead its freaking oatmeal and fruit for breakfast, a salad for lunch and spinach and mushrooms with baked turkey wings for dinner

i don't mind the dinner so much nor do i mind the salad for lunch THAT much

but freaking every single day

and nope don't go trying to help by sending me recipes and other crap that could work because although i can and will cook i prefer to cook on Sunday and have stuff for the rest of the week because i am also working out again which means that my body aches and my knees hurt and my hair is a mess because i sweat in my head

so i just don't want to be bothered

i don't want to be at work

i don't want to talk to people

i just want to eat this nasty food, do my job, go home, take Golden out, work out, eat dinner and go to bed and then wake up to do the same CRAP all over again

i don't eat those frozen meals because they have too much sodium which leads to headaches and other health issues

then you can't have or indulge in the "sauce" either...ugggggggggggg

so i am opting to try to keep it fresh and light with the whole eating thing

i have lost 2 pounds those far

woptifreakinladedadido

see i told you i was in a mood and i realized i get like this every single time that i start eating better and working out its like my body is in shock and can't stand this mess

it really would prefer to be FAT AND HAPPY

yes big people are happy its others around us that make us feel like we have a disease because we aren't walking around feeling crazy because we are big

then because others feel the need to express their thoughts on how we need a personal trainer or should only have one starch a day or WHATEVER their opinions are you begin to feel bad so what do you do, you eat MORE of the things you shouldn't do because food makes you happy then what happens you can't fit clothe so you go shopping WHY because you had the food that made you happy so now you need the new clothes to make you happy and look better and the cycle just keeps going and going and going

LOOK i get it being a certain weight and out of shape is not healthy...but there are plenty of "fat skinny" people too out here, meaning they aren't healthy they don't exercise or eat right but they don't gain weight...

hey blame it on the metabolism, thyroid whatever

we are all different either love me for me or leave me the freak alone

ok
now that i have ranted on

i am trying to lose weight because although i have always been "thick" this having a gut and back fat thing doesn't work well or bold well for me or to me...so eating better, exercising, going to try this whole life style thing again...

you would think that in the summer i'd be more prone to do these things but actually its just to dag on hot, i love this time through the spring i do my best this time of year the air is crisp, the energy is high and i can get into my own groove

but for now and maybe for a week or so until i get over this initial hump i will be cranky in a mood

thus i will place myself on time out and sit in the corner ALONE i'll let you know when I feel like coming out

its your world...

2010-10-11T18:12:00.002-04:00

is one of my favorite tracks from common's "be" album

i think one of the things that stands out is the fact that its really telling a story about how you have to make this life YOUR own...

i mean we all have obstacles that we face and things that come our way that we would much rather not have to deal with

but they are definitely all lessons learned when you sit back and you reflect on this life, your life you gotta take stock and determine which road you are going to travel and what world you want for yourself...

a lot of times its easy to get caught up in a lot of the nonsense that is this life we live but you gotta remember to keep moving forward and remember its your world

finally i'll leave you with this profound words from "pops" on part 2

Be, be here, be there, be that, be this
Be grateful for life, be grateful to life
Be gleeful everyday, for being the best swimmer among 500,000
Be-nign, be you, be mom's mean pie, be little black sambo With bad hair
Be aware of what a lynch is, Be, be boundless energy
Be a four star ghetto general, be no one except I
Be a strong academic student, be an A student in sociology
Be food for thought to the growing mind, be the author of your own horoscope
Be invited, be long-living, be forgiving, be not forgetful
Be a proud run, only to return to fight another day
Be peaceful if possible, but justice in ways (?)
Be high when you low, be on time but knowing to go
Be cautious of the road to college, taking a detour through Vietnam or the middle east
Be absent of wars at any past or present fought amongst themselves
Be visual of foreclosure over your shoulder while begging
A nation built on free labor for reparation, Be a cartopogropher
Be a map maker, be able to find afro-american man
search thoroughly it may be close to black man
Be ammended 5/5ths, be ammended 5/5ths human
Be the owner of more land than is set aside for wild life
Be cupid, to world government
Be found among the truth, lost tribe
Be at full strength when walking through the valley
Be not foolish as tender 18 of the mountain tops
Be a brilliant soul, sparkling in the galaxy while walking on earth
Be loved by God as much as God loved Ghandi and Martin Luther King
Be that last one of 144,000, be the resident of that twelfth house
Be....eternal!

in short we can all be anything we want to be no matter what the circumstances or obstacles that may come our way WE CAN MAKE IT

its your world

Mediocrity

2010-10-04T14:40:00.003-04:00

"when i stop holding myself to higher standards, is when i've quit and accepted mediocrity. mediocrity that is not defined by comparison but instead by what my soul speaks. too many people have invested and given up so much on my behalf for me to just accept me being other than what i know i can achieve" EJ

my co-worker and i were having a deep convo today via email and he said that...

it struck a cord with me because he is definitely a good dude...he has his ways about him, but don't we all

he is always analysing himself and assessing how he can be better

the thing that he has an issue with is he doesn't give himself time to change or adjust

he doesn't have patience with himself

that led me to think about a lot of things with me and how i think react or handle situations

i know that PATIENCE is definitely key for me and i have to stop and remind myself all the time to be patient but i also have to stop and remind myself to keep pushing through even when things don't always have or don't always seem to fall into place

many times we do that we don't have patience and we just give up
either on love
on ourselves
whatever we just give up or worse yet we settle

but this quote right here is on point...

mediocrity is not an option in any area of life and as long as you are trying and striving we need to take time to give ourselves credit and see the Sunshine through the rain

....forever???

2010-10-03T15:55:00.001-04:00

loving the vibe of this entire thing...

its a great way to feel

i love her tattoo

"marriage thrives and blossoms on the flower of patience"

current mood: happy

2010-09-30T14:09:00.006-04:00

that's how it looks outside in the city right now

well maybe not RIGHT now at this very moment

but pretty much on and off all day this is how its been and will continue to go down...

and i love it!

I LOVE this time of year FALL ROCKS

(can I also say i love the fact that I am sitting at my desk typing this truly happy because i have the best quarter numbers i have ever had and i have a hat on my head and rain boots on my feet and i am listening to Jill Scott and Darius Rucker, jam to "sometimes I wonder")

I am really feeling life right now...

you know how you know someone is praying for you, i know my momma musta been praying for me to have some inner peace and comfort because that's how i have been feeling

i mean i am just so at peace right now...i have been talking myself and one of my bffs through our situations and talking about helps to process it

you know what while in conversation with him the other not he asked me "is it that simple"
my reply "yes its that simple, life isn't that complicated and love isn't hard, people make it that way"

its true

why do we get caught up in making things so much harder than they really need to be

it doesn't have to be that difficult

he's still dragging his feet and you know at this point the situation is a 50/50 split because the truth is he may not ever really fully see or get what is in front of him, even though he see's it and recognizes it, the opportunity, that doesn't mean that he can get over the past and move forward

i let that stuff go a long time ago, but maybe he hasn't...

i don't know but it ain't that deep

either you down or you not

at this point in life either shyt or get off the pot as my Madea would say

i i i i i want want want want you you you
but it won't let go...
tried to turn the sauna up a little hotter...
tried to drink the holy water...
but it won't let go...
i want you so what we gonna do...
i know you nervous, but i am genuine

but you know what, i have to remember that no one can make you happy, sad, mad or glad but YOU

we give people way to much power and control over our lives, our spirits, our emotions, or how we even feel about ourselves and its not necessary

either they see it or they don't...

its not up to you to make them see anything and you can't force grown folks to do anything

sometimes you just have to let it be
because at the end of the day you are blessed in and all by yourself

you live by to go on, you go through to grow on

bump it

2010-09-28T15:05:00.005-04:00

fat beats
fat drums

push up the fader....
bust up the meter....
shake the tweeter....

bump it wellllll welllllll wellllll

you know I love it when they play my beat real loud

BUMP IT

it is the one thing that has always been by my side and never leaves my side for another woman, or because i am to loud or too fat or too anything

it loves me

it doesn't judge me

it likes me for me

and it goes along with my mood

if i am feeling a little "gangsta"

if i feel like feeling love or not

if i am feeling a little blu

if i am feeling happy, sad, pretty or glad

it roles with me

no questions asked

it just gets up and moves right along with me

if I am in the truck, in the house or walking around dc, its right there with me

its the only thing besides my momma that really loves me unconditionally

it loves me and i love it

MUSIC

.....i want

2010-09-25T19:06:00.002-04:00

i don't know what i want

but common's "i want you" is playing right now

i don't think i am going to keep with this new program, I don't like it, and its not really what i want to do and i don't like the "online ONLY" course work

i need to interact with people and things

so yea we'll see what happens with that...probably a WITHDRAWAL

Golden is constantly with me if I am in the house

like right now she is sitting up under me as i try to type this, but that's my fatty girl

oh i did get my promotion, i won't see the money until like mid-octoberbut that's still cool

sad part is i didn't have anyone to celebrate with, so me and Gold's tossed and that was it

its like 7pm on a saturday night and i am in the house

"the truth" is rocking right now...by india aire

i LOVE LOVE LOVE this song, this is how i want to feel about my him..

i met with my first couple today for my first wedding coordination/planning gig...i am doing it for free because i have never done a wedding officially so I am hoping that i do a good job, its not until next september but you know me, i want to do it right

so we shall see

i am thinking about re-locating...i am over the DMV and i want a family and a life of my own and so i may have to leave to achieve that, maybe not

i can't leave unless i can transfer my position so at least for now i'll be here

life is interesting and it always has a way of working itself out if you just stop worrying about things and do you best to be your best things work out

if one more person asks me about losing weight...why are so many people interested in my weight or my weight loss or gain...dude i am alright i am not that small but i am not that big either so either love me or leave me alone if you have weight issues those are your issues

i am cool

i think people love to see other people upset about stuff so they say stuff for what i don't know but i am cool homie, you?

lol

maybe i'll go to miami next month, why not...only thing i have to worry about is Golden and she can go stay with my nephew they take really good care of her over there

"on & on"

the man that knows something knows that he knows nothing at all...

ain't that the truth, i told a PhD that last week in class, i hope that no matter how educated i become i don't belittle people she truly irked the hell out of my nerves...

ok i am done

repost from 06, nothing has changed

2010-09-22T16:09:00.002-04:00

Now, I do NOT have an ideal black man (IBM) list or even a type...

I have a few givens, things that I think are important, but I don't have a list, I feel like lists put you into a position NOT allowing yourself room to breathe it just puts you in a box...and that BOX/tightly packaged MAN ay never come your way...

But here are a few givens...
***believe in Jehovah God and his son Christ...and HAS a personal relationship with them, through studying and cultivating that relationship at least working on it...if nothing else
***respectful
***HONEST (I don't like liars)
***Has a strong bond with his family...respects the importance of family
***Has goals, wants something out of life...(I don't care if you drive a bus or work in corporate America...just have some goals)
***Someone who believe in the sanctity of MARRIAGE...wants to be MARRIED
***Faithful (can't just assume that folks believe in monogamy)
***Can hold a conversation about any and everything from current politics, black weath, religion, music, to just joking around
***Understands the importance of giving back or at least respects my role in the community...has consensousness about the events of the day, and what is going on in OUR community...and wants to do something about it, even if its just being the BEST man he can be and raising his family right...

You know just someone who is...
Open to experience new things: such as new places, food, music...someone who will go to a Gnarls Barkley or The Gorillas OR see Maze or Prince or Jay-Z...or go down to U Street and listen to some Jazz...
AND
Rocks more than just a white tee and Timbs/Nike Boots/Air Force Ones every where we go...have some flavor....

But more importantly I just want someone who is INTO me...I mean really into me, from the way he looks into my eyes, to the way he rubs my cheek, the way he holds my hand...just is a MAN NOT a male (and YES brothas I know that requires me to be a WOMAN and NOT a female..I am willing to do my part as long as he is willing to do his)...

So although I do have a "jones" for Jim Jones...that's NOT my reality...my reality is a God fearing/spiritual (not just religious, because you can go to church EVERY Sunday and NOT know a THANG about GOD or have a relationship with him) clean-cut/eclectic, upright, honest, loving, intelligent, strong, faithful brother...NOW THAT'S SEXY....

A brotha that's in it to win it...me and him against the world...doing it the RIGHT way...

That's my reality....

why are you single?

2010-09-22T14:51:00.006-04:00

YOU TELL ME

that's what I want to yell at someone every time asks me that freaking question

its always followed by you are so smart or you are so sweet and giving or whatever

for like the umptenth time i had an older person ask me why i am not married
:/

i was in training for 5 days with older said person and everyone in the room was in a committed relationshiop, even those younger in the class were at least in a bf/gf relationship,

not me, single

so he asked "why aren't you married yet?"
the ex asked me that 3 weeks ago, his cousin asked me that as well...

my answer:

HELL I DON'T KNOW

I have self reflected, self evaluated, listened to others tried to grow taken the critism, the lesson's learned and all that...

i don't have an attitude like i used to, i cook, i clean, i wash, i work, i am affectionate, i will admit that i don't openly express my feelings like i used to or even allow myself to have feelings because they have been hurt

still NOTHING

ask them dudes why they haven't found me yet

one of my girls asked me once "do you think you are meant to be married"

that hurt...why? because you mean to tell me YOU can be meant to have your hearts desires but not me...

ok

sure

i guess people think i want to be single because i am fine with it

no i have learned the lesson of enjoying my life and where i am right now and not letting life pass me by just because i don't have a husband and a family

but that doesn't mean i am HAPPY about it

I am "cool" with it because i am not going to drive myself crazy with "what if" or "how come them and not me"

when its my turn it will be my turn

but I wasn't going to stop living and doing me just because i was "waiting on a man"

so i bought a house, got a good job and live

i guess to the world around me i look sad or something

or maybe i should as said girl told me as well, "get a trainer"

maybe if i was a LSLHT (light skin long hair thin) girl then i'd find a man or he'd find me rather

but then its like when i went into the grocery last night and this dude was ON my back and another one was like "hey beautiful" i smiled and said HI

but nothing...

then there is the other situation which is driving me NUTS
(this is my blog right so i can be real)

why is it that you are dragging your feet?

WTH is wrong with you?

That's how i am feeling, here you have the opportunity that most people don't get and you drag your freaking feet...

and you know what i am not saying or doing anything about it because its not me and if you can't see what you have or the opportunity you have to have the love and support i am willing to offer than that's on you

what is wrong with people?!

everyone wants to play and have the girl in the video or "do them" or "run the streets"

if you have an opinoin
make money
have a home
aren't a size 6 or 10
and have values you get left in the dust or you get looked at like you are crazy

i told my mom the other night
"hell i should've just been a hood rat because they gets all the dudes no problems"

what the hell gives

and stop asking me why i am single because if I knew the hell why i wouldn't be

let me be happy in my own skin and let GOD work it out and stop asking me that question
people act like either i'll never have it because i am fat or strong or too independant (which this whole independant woman thing i am totally OVER) or whatever they think

its like i wanna yell

THANKS FOR YOUR SUPPORT OR NOT

*drops mic, and gets off the soap box*

you ever...

2010-09-17T16:48:00.003-04:00

miss someone

but the thing is a week ago you didn't even think missing them would ever be possible...

yea you believed in the unbelievable, ONCE upon a time...

you didn't think that there was second chances and the reality is you don't even know if there really is a second chance because why would there be why would there be a second chance for us or why would after EVERYTHING we have been through

but we might have that chance

i think about you that's for sure.........................

OUR STORY kinda

mood: sucks

2010-09-14T10:03:00.002-04:00

at a new job, but this is it...

period the end i am done...after all i went through to get here and to finally be OFF probation

it started off ok and then it took a left turn down the dumps FAST...

on my anniversary date then there was so much other stuff going on

here is the thing, i don't know how i feel and everyone has an opinion and its WAY to much because its like if i don't agree with you i am letting this person influence me, and vice versa

how about everyone has a point and most of them are good some not so good, some valid some not

i don't know how i feel and i do NOT like feeling like this nor do i want to feel like i don't have control over my feelings or understand my feelings

the only person i want to talk to is my mom because she let's me talk she doesn't have an opinion and she let's me just work through my issues she doesn't act like she "knows" but she does know and she always make me feel better

even Golden knows that i am upset she kept giving me kisses to try to make me feel better...that's my boo for real

Kiamsha started again last night and it was a good orientation night i think the youth really opened up and we talked about what they are facing so that was good

i was truly in a bad mood but when i left i was in such a better mood they make me feel better because they don't want anything other than for someone to listen and to pay attention to them

but isn't that what we all want

....full of emotions

2010-09-12T18:50:00.004-04:00

the weekend was full of a lot of emotions...

a lot of emotions, most of them were WONDERFUL

i told you guys they were in love...

the two weddings that i have been blessed to partake in this year you could definitely see the LOVE, TRUE GODLY LOVE between a man and a woman

that its literally moving

its one of those things that its like "I WANT THAT, NOTHING LESS"

and that's the real...

so those emotions were very much so welcomed...

i had other emotions, that i don't know if i'll share on here...i can say the emotions were totally unexpected but i am making a mends with them...

i admitted that i no longer like emotions or feelings and that i don't know what to do with them when they come upon me so suddenly...

i have determined that a lot of times when i have a rush of emotions i become in short, a NUT CASE

and me and nutty don't mix ya dig...LOL

i like my peaceful, non dramatic existence, but i did say that i have to be open and i also said i needed to let HIS will be done in my life so i will let my personal emotions take time to evolve and reveal themselves as to what exactly they are and how and when to use them or not or whatever the case maybe

several years later and the feelings, emotions, care, is still there...

you ever seen someone you hadn't seen in months maybe even YEARS (as was my case) and the connection was still so strong its like you never missed that time at all?

like you finished thoughts, sentences...

or you have the most candid conversation EVER and its so effortless and respectful and easy...

but at the same time you know that the years are there

so the reality is that it will take time to become friends again and that being friends right now is the best thing for both of you because let's face it when you were friends that was the best time because it was the purest form of love you two have with one another it was the easiest and most joyous

so you just want your friend back, but you're more mature now, you've learned now, you understand things from a new point of view

but there is life, time, distance, all the same things that were there before...

so you hold onto the moment though because if nothing else you know you had that one all nighter conversation you have been longing for and didn't even know it...

and another one

2010-09-10T09:43:00.002-04:00

maybe because i am not the maid of honor or maybe because i am so happy for my lil sis

she is getting married!

i can't believe it, i remember saying to her last year this time that it was coming...

and the Sunday after Christmas in church he proposed in front of her family and friends

and now tomorrow, she will be married a wife, HIS WIFE

i think i do feel this for all of my girls that have gotten married...

I love LOVE real LOVE

Black LOVE

well in this day and age i'll take purple love, you know someone that really loves you no matter

you know what's rocking in my ears right now,

"love of my life" by Erykah Badu and Common...

this rocks...

i have been happy all week, maybe its because I got me some hurr...LOL

maybe its because i know her entire family is coming and its going to be a HUGE event and she is going to look like an angel...

maybe its the fact that i get to get "dolled up"

maybe its just me feeling happy for someone else other than me and i know that in the end knowing someone has a love to call their own...

ooohhhh you know you rock my world, you be boy and i'll be girl...it don't stop until the break of dawnnnnnnnnnnnn

repeat repeat repeat repeat...

marrying your best friend is the way to go!

wooohoooo

I'm just a soul....

2010-09-05T10:43:00.003-04:00

i think its always easiest to be misunderstood when you don't understand yourself at the present time..

my mind is spinning...i am replaying scenes in my head over and over again and the girlie side of me is coming out and i am day dreaming about things that may never be or could never be...

let me not only be misunderstood by others let me not be misunderstood in and of myself..

its times like these when i wish my mind where strictly black and white and not these shades of gray

doooodoooodooooo....repost of sorts

2010-08-31T16:20:00.003-04:00

happy feelings in the air, touchin people everywhere, plenty love and everything, listen to the people sing....

I'VE GOT MYSELF TO REMIND ME OF LOVE

got my mind and my heart...i believe in a love...and these happy feelings, feel that happy feelings...

I WISH YOU HAPPY FEELINGS

so i have posted this song before, and like everything it shuffles through on my ipod i get totally happy!

Maze has the soundtrack to my life

and when i say i am truly got Happy FEELINGS right now...

I am hitting on ALL cylinders...

i am motivated unlike i have been i'll say in a couple years....the last time i was hitting on things like this i was in graduate school for the first time

maybe i feel like this because i have been accepted in and will be returning to graduate school this fall for my second degree a MS in cyber security policy...

did i just share that with the world and i haven't even told anyone outside of my parents, besties and brothers (and only 2 of them know)...

i don't even want to "talk" about it, i just want to DO it...and for no one else other than myself because its been 4 years since i got my first degree i feel like i am missing out on academia and what's to be learned, discussed, read, written...and if i am ever to go back to get my PhD i need this to get my chops wet again

kiamsha is off to a GREAT start as well...i am motivated and just ready to do it

last two years have been with a lot of major changes and adjustments but i made it and i am HAPPY and BLESSED

not lonely not sad not nothing other than...cool to be in my own skin

maybe that comes with 30

even with this wedding coming up, i know i weigh more than before, but so does he and i could care less...because TC rocks it no matter what...funny thing is people always say little things like
"well why don't you get a trainer" YOU get one...i am fat and happy...LOL

ok ok ok...i know i need to lose weight for health reasons...but i will not be a 8, hell i'll be cool with a 10 or 12 but that's me...

you know what...here it is i am in love with me...you know how you think you are in love with you, but you aren't really real with you so you think you are in love but you really aren't...

no, this time i am IN love with me...i know my flaws, i am working on them and i am ok with me because i know i am growing every single day

i had a good year review as well, my promotion package went in, cross your fingers...

like the girl is just working it out...and is going to keep her head up because in the end if i don't exude the positive in my life who will?

exactly my point...

HAPPY FEELINGS PEOPLE

me...

2010-08-29T20:34:00.002-04:00

i realize that i am very content right now...

and although that's a good thing, i recognize that it really isn't

you see one day i want to be a wife and a mother, but i absolutely have no interest or drive to be in anyone's relationship and i don't know if i will any time soon...that's scary because it takes what 6 months to year or two of dating to get to a point of marriage and then another 2 or 3 being married before i would be ready for kids...

and the reality is i may end up being in this same space at 35 and its just me and Golden..

you know i sat and watched Marley and Me this weekend (well a couple of times, the first time she heard the puppy crying and she went to the tv to see what was wrong and then she heard him bark and she was looking for the dog, she is so smart...)

well back to the point when Marley died in the end i was balling, crying my eyes OUT...and she was laying on my lap and i know she was like "mum ok what is wrong with you, i am sleep" lol

she is so important to me

and i would be happy just me and her and no drama and not having to deal with anything or anyone...but that's not living and that's not loving...love is all about the other person and going outside of yourself

i guess i always feel like i love and don't receive it back...i DO know that i have grow a lot and can see myself flaws and all and when it IS finally that time i'll hopefully be more prepared for the hopefully FINAL round...that's all i got left in me

energy

2010-08-27T17:40:00.003-04:00

sometimes in life we kinda just float through we don't necessarily think about all that is going to eventually come back to us...

that's why you have to be the best person you can possibly be while being true to yourself..

its definitely not the easiest thing to do, because sometimes being true to yourself will mean hurting someone's feelings or not answering a phone call when you just aren't up for being the listening ear because let's face it you may be going through your own issues and problems at the present time

i think this song (i know i am late with posting) but listening to this song today helped to remind me that even though the first law of nature is "self preservation"

one must also be true to the the commandment to love thy neighbor as thy self...

and sometimes that's not always the easiest thing to do, especially when someone hurts you...but we have to remember its up to us what we take in and what we don't...

its easier said than done, especially when you're hurting...but i always remember that person will have to live with the fact that they did you wrong...so remain true to who you are

we all must remember that whatever energy we put out into the universe will come back to us, so be sure you are putting out the positive, remember to lift people up and love one another

the south

2010-08-26T18:27:00.003-04:00

so i am from the south

i remember arguing about it in my college days when my boyfriend and all his family were from south jersey and so i didn't want to be from the south (oh how we all want to fit in, never mind that southern jersey is country as hell but you know wharves) then there was the boom going on when everything was from the south so you wanted to be from the south..

DC/DMV has always been confused and we don't want to claim the south but we don't want to be northern either...just like we'll say DC before we say maryland when out of state because people will automatically think baltimore and goodness forbid DMV folks be associated with baltimore...its way more complicated than need be but hey it is what it is

yes we here in the DMV live below the mason dioxin line and we ARE from the south...

good thing is we are right here at the thing so i like to say we are a little southern metropolis...

meaning we technically are in the south and technically we sound country as hell but we are a little city and world of its own...

i had a whole bunch of witty things that i wanted to say, however i have the flu and an ear infection so i'lll just leave you with one of my favorite southern party starting songs

her music...

2010-08-20T21:20:00.003-04:00

makes me happy...

i mean it really makes me want to get in my truck (with new tires and breaks and all-that's another post) and just RIDE OUT

and it makes me think yea i feel the same way...well i gotta find someone that makes me feel this way but yea...oh i did just fall in love with them shoes she got on in the end

....

2010-08-19T21:07:00.002-04:00

today wasn't a good day...

i don't feel confident

i don't like my body

i feel FAT

yes today was NOT a good day

oh but i meet with a major executive and it went well...

still no matter what when you pantsuit is TIGHT as all get out and you feel like a stuffed sausage...

yea not a good day

in dedication

2010-08-16T20:41:00.002-04:00

i don't do many dedications around here...but outside of Maze and Earth, Wind & Fire....this band was and will always be IT to me

to Robert Wilson and the entire GAP band family...may Robert rest in peace and know that the music made will live on

this is REAL music!

now we funk...my daddy says you always celebrate the life, so let's party

YES!

bittersweet

2010-08-16T09:24:00.003-04:00

Every now and then I still get a flashback Of the time I spent Thinking you could be that one Should I have just kept your love? Yes I understand,We did have some good times On the other hand, Got my crying all night It was too much for my mind So even though I left you I can't forget you' Cause when I think about you It's bittersweet, it's bittersweet Guess I'll always love you It's bittersweet, it's bittersweet

that's how i feel or i am feeling...

here's the story (i'll try in 25 words or less)
my college ex's lil sister is getting married, she and i have always been close and remained close after the breakup, i am in the wedding, her shower was this weekend, i was there of course and while there was introduced to those who didn't know me per se, as "o's ex T" lol, and then comes the "so what can we do to get the two of you back together" with smiles from ear to ear, or telling me how she is never around and no one likes her...just a whole bunch of stuff...

and here's the thing its been a few years so i wasn't expecting NONE of this

who knows if people were being serious or if they were just saying that to see what i would say or do...

my response, i just want him to be happy...

and i do...the other thing is, to me, he made his choice what 4-5 years ago when he "did him" instead of working to mend it, he chose to continue to deal with her and eventually have a son, that was his choice...

he's a good father from what i understand, never doubted that, and i am happy he has a lil man and he's in love with him...and the fact that he has a son with her doesn't bother me at all

here's what is bothering me-why am i even thinking about this in the first place? why am i entertaining this?

i haven't seen or talked to him in 4 years

maybe i am thinking about it because i have always loved his family, like the family i thought i would be apart of, we were all very close, his sister and i still are, and his mother still refers to me as her other daughter (that was my other introduction this weekend) so definitely no love lost, but man oh man...they were my people and will always be in my life to a certain extent because i'll always been there for his sister and his parents, you don't breakup with families...its just not that easy...although i did back off a long time ago because i didn't want her to feel some sort of way, so i communicated with his sister and mother on a limited bases and not on the daily, the weekly, then monthly bases because that was for her to do you know...i just didn't want to step on folks toes

and then maybe i am thinking about it, because admittedly, being real, the ego of being "the one that got away" puts a little smile on my face (i know that's ridiculous) but that's the reality and i am being honest with myself...

here's the thing that i was told by a couple of people
its not that he made a choice, it was that he made a mistake and didn't know how to come back...

i guess...

this was the person i looked at a engagement rings with, landed on a right with, had sized and everything...

yea

and i don't even know, well when you are with someone for so long and you love so hard, maybe that love never really goes away...i know when i saw him 4 years ago i still loved him very much..

but since then i have loved again and lost again...

maybe it was one of the hardest thing in my life because he was definitely my BEST friend...and then we weren't even friends anymore...

it took me a long LONG time to get over the entire situation because we had been through so much, so very very much...so its hard when you think about that

but like my ls said this weekend, not to condone it, but we were in a long distance relationship the entire relationship, we were young, and i have come to the conclusion we were too young and we should have been friends...his father has always said that...and i agree

i don't think, based on my experiences that people should be so young and put so much pressure on someone to be in an "adult" committed relationship...young people, especially in your college years, early 20s, should be spending time learning and loving themselves and just being friends and eventually when your hit about 23/24 then maybe go to that committed relationship...so that means no sex, none of that just fun and being friends...

you love way too hard, and don't even know how to properly love someone because you don't know how to properly love yourself

again just my personal opinion...

because then you are both ready to be committed and can move forward...you just can't be in a relationship without knowing who you really are...and then you have in some cases where someone might be intimidated by someone else because they are going through with education and the other person isn't...or the distance or just having fun may be an issue...

anyways i guess i just needed to put thoughts to computer screen and just get this out and off my chest...

he was and is always going to be a good guy to me, despite his whatever you want to call it he did, and i definitely hope that he is happy

because the reality is i am...

mind dumpin

2010-08-13T11:20:00.003-04:00

so my folks leave on sunday...yes they have plucked my ever lastin nerves...but i will truly miss them!

it won't be another whole year before i see them though, i'll be heading down to see all their renovations in november and then again in march for the family cruise and i am hoping that their 2 week summer stay will become a yearly event...

they both look really good...i just really love my folks...i really really do

i am a little blahza today...no particular reason...just am...

maybe because people are funny, especially females...no matter how old you get people are just that funny...i just have to remember not to be funny myself ya dig...its funny i say that at 30 or is it sad?

started reading "ain't i a woman" by bell hooks...it examines black feminism...definitely a question i have wrestled with for years...am i black or a woman first? and why do i have to choose? i think its cool to know someone else has had these same thoughts or issues or ponderings

is it just me or does anyone else's ipod seem to play the same stuff constantly...i mean its like over 2400 songs on this thing but i feel like it plays all the same stuff on shuffle..

ok here we go...some byb "i can change" in my ears...let blast it so my co-workers can think i am even more crazy then they already think i am...

i have gotten my focus back...dude i was OFF for a min...like not focused at work or at home just blah

and even though i am mad tired right now, i have been on it this week...i don't know what snapped me back into action but i am glad that i did..now if i can snap back into action with this weight loss...i haven't gone back up but geesh i needs to go DOWN...

oh here is the other thing i realize...i am still a work in progress when it comes to other peoples opinions or things...i don't like for people to not "get me" or if someone, like my dad, has something to say, it cuts like a knife...like he told me i was "fat" yep just like that i was "fat" i had gained weight...so for the past two weeks i have been extremely self conscious especially when i went out for my birthday...i don't like any of the pictures i am way to wide...sad isn't it..

well if you don't like what you see in the mirror its up to you to change it right?

i want to crawl under my desk and take a nap...like right now!

oh you know another thing that bothers me, terribly...beggars...

this may sound harsh to some, but this is the place i should be able to speak my mind right...now don't get me wrong homelessness is a major cause that i have and it bothers me that so many people in the "wealthiest" country on this here what we call earth are homeless...but i do NOT like be harassed or looked at like i have no soul every 5 steps i take because i don't give you change every day...i can't get food, go to CVS, or just walk to and from work without being asked at least 5 times for spare change, etc...and if you offer to buy food, etc...you get cursed out
i'll buy street cents from the homeless vendors and i tend to give extra at least once a week to the 8 people that are on my block...yes there are that many...

its a bit much to handle daily...i know i am blessed and i don't complain about my job, my house, my truck none of that because i am blessed and i am only but a few checks or a breakdown away from possibly being there myself...so i try to show compassion as much as i possibly can, but dude...come on...its a lot daily, hourly its a bit much...

that's just me you can tell me i am crazy or mean, won't be the first time i've heard it...

back to work...

have a great weekend i am off to new jeru for a bridal shower tomorrow...

summer spirit festival

2010-08-08T16:18:00.006-04:00

you wanna hear some real music have a good time and see black folks together enjoying life with no issues

this was the place to be last night

here was the line up:

Janell Monea

Common

Chuck Brown

The Roots

Erykah Badu

When i say it was a party it was a PARTY!

we were there right at the end of Monea's set, but we saw everyone else...I had seen everyone before except Common and let me tell you my baby daddy put on a SHOW! loved it

Chuck of course had the entire crowd rocking for an hour straight...i downed my food as quickly as possible so i could get up and dance...they did a tribute to DMV legend Lil Bennie...when they hit

"i see the light, I see the party light, the red and blue and heather green...so everybody come on let's party down and if you don't get the hell outta here..."

when they hit that pocket! this girl went off...they even showed video of lil Bennie when he was with the Masters, dude that was like the mid 80s i was a youngin fo real but my brothers and him are around the same age...so i came up on the music...

anyways i went off on a a go go tangent huh...

Common was the best, then Chuck then Erykah, I have seen her numerous times so i know that she likes to change it up every time...this time it wasn't enough funk, more meloncony...she was FLYY as hell though!

I mean hair blond in a mohawk with some loubitan's on and a banging dress...

LOVED it...

I also loved her hip hop free style, she is conscious but still has that street flare, not to toot my own horn, but something like what i try to be...there is nothing wrong with being multi dimensional...and she is that and that's one of the things that really draws me to her...the fact that she is so layered...

i always say i am like an onion and i am and its cool to see others as layered as me...

it was a perfect ending to a GREAT week...

now i chill, reflect, snack, eat, and chill some more

so i'll leave you all with this...complexity

and i can't leave this post without a video of lil Bennie....

30

2010-08-03T17:15:00.002-04:00

today is the anniversary of my birth...

the 30th anniversary at that...

i was in a bit of a mood yesterday evening...it was pretty bad so i did what i always do, or have done before in the past, i went to my favorite spot in the city by the water...

i sat there...i reflected and i prayed and when it left i was 30 and i felt 30 xs better

its been a good day and its going to be a good night...

its been a GREAT peaceful ME day...spa, shopping, now dinner with my parents and a party with good friends...all on a Tuesday...totally not something i would normally do, but hey its a new decade of life so why start if off doing new things...

i'll definitely write out something more introspective later but for now

HAPPY 30 TO ME

google me baby???

2010-07-30T13:17:00.002-04:00

DUDE

so i just read an article about facebook and some computernerdwarms in the UK going on there and scrapping it...basically to prove a point that your information isn't safe on the interweb, especially if you leave your stuff public

now mind you i am no longer on facebook for various reasons, both personal and professional...but the article got me to thinking about what would come up if i googled myself...

so of course me being the nosey rosey person i am...

i did

and up pops up all these links...

i am still on linkdin since its more for professional purposes but i had myself as public that was changed IMMEDIATELY and i went back and checked and it said profile not available

a facebook link did come up (granted my name is pretty common there are a lot of TC's out there, there was one in fact that graduated the year before me at the same high school...so i get it) that one of course wasn't me...

then there was another sitie www.123people.com

you enter the person's name and city and state and then BAM here's the information...it even had my parents and my brother that i grew up with listed on the page WITH their ages and the places i have lived...the thing that tripped me out was that if you paid like $40 you could get all my information addresses etc, for $1 you could get my DOB and address like basics...but if you paid $60 you could run my credit and get any criminal information!

WTHECK is really hood son!

so my privacy is only worth $60! Are you serious?! I am going to buy it and see what the heck is included in this so called report...

i realize that its unreasonable for NONE of your information to come up but dude that's WAY to much...

i don't know people you might want to google yourself and see what comes up...better be educated and armed then not

hypocrisy???

2010-07-28T09:36:00.002-04:00

So when did or does trying to live your life a certain type of way make you a hypocrite...
no one is perfect, everyone doesn't walk and no one will ever be able to walk or be perfect that's not what its about...but because i am taking steps like being determined to be abstinent (not just for the obvious biblical reasons, but let's just say for commonsense reasons...did you NOT get the latest STD and AIDS stats for this area...naw son i am good)

but because i said i want a husband whose head is Christ and i want to be the best wife i can be, but admittedly i will have to have pre-martial counseling to deal with the whole "submission" issue that right there says i know i have work to do...

but my view because i take a strong stance is full of hypocrisy...we do enough stuff daily not even thinking about it that is wrong, why purposely do something that isn't right...

this kept me up last night...praying because this isn't how a conversation with someone should be going on day 3...my mentor said it wouldn't be easy

i ended it with this:

I'm trying my best to be better & to do better every single day, and every single day I fail at it in some way shape or form, but I still try. That doesn't make me better than anyone else or worse, it makes me trying, falling short but still willing to try again tomorrow. I want someone that's going to help me be better, someone i can look to and help guide me, we guide and support each other, to be better in this life, that's it. That's the house I live in

7 days...

2010-07-27T12:58:00.002-04:00

until i turn 30...
wow another decade around the corner
i am honestly REALLY looking forward to it..
i am at peace and i am content and happy...
life is good...
my parents come into town this weekend for 2 weeks...i am sure that after a week or so they will be ready to go and i will too...they are like the funniest people on the planet like seriously they need a reality show...

back to the point...
i never thought that i would be so ok with me and be so ok in my own skin as i am right now...
i am not 100% confident yet and i am still working on my list of things...but i am doing better with just being ok with who i am...

bible study is doing well and i am growing that relationship, the most important relationship...and i am understanding my responsibilities as a Christian more and more and really trying to apply certain concepts to my life...

its going to be constant repetition...

the house is good...next project this week is to fix the yard up before the folks come...i think when they see the house and they smile then i'll feel like goal accomplished...although i really am falling in love with my little piece of land...its cute...its colorful...its me...and the fact that i love it is all that matters...

yea me being ok with me is all that matters...

sangin

2010-07-24T09:31:00.004-04:00

man these girls could sang! I wonder what happened to them...they were the first group put out by MJJ Music (that was Michael Jackson's label in the mid 90s)

i remember blasting their first CD in my room...

i miss the girl groups of the 90s....

you had to have talent you had to be able to sing i mean really SING!

what the freak happened to music...what happened to soul, stuff from the heart the ability to harmonize...what happened to hip hop...fly rhymes, social consciousness over a banging beat...today you got beats and NO substance...

i saw this video on VH1Soul the other day and got goose bumps...love this!

ok i have been up for 2 hour already cooked breakfast, cleaned about to hit the streets...too much to do too little time

oh i bought my 30th birthday gift for myself yesterday, the Motorola DROID...maybe some shoes and a dress next???? hmmmmm

we shall see

have a GREAT weekend people

oh ps why did GOLDEN have an attitude with me yesterday because she had to get a bath, she HATES (and yes that's a strong word but that's how she feels about them) bath time...she gets it once a week and that's when i wash her linens, yes she has linens...anyways...homedoggy, went in the room got on her bed and stayed there the rest of the evening...wouldn't be so strange if she wasn't normally my shadow...so yes dogs have feelings too...CLASSIC

and just because its a summer day and we could use good grooves

yes!!!!!

wow....i need to vent on this one

2010-07-23T11:10:00.004-04:00

i now know why i have a freaking sinus infection

the dag on air filter is disgusting!

how in the HECK am I supposed to know that its supposed to be changed every 30, 60 or 90 days...come to find out that the one that's in there now is a 30 day filter!

WTHECK

I don't know what maintenance is needed for a house what i am supposed to do i am in this thing by myself with NO guidance what so ever! NONE absolutely NONE

and then i call my brother who pretty much offers no support I have no freaking clue what i am doing i lived in an apartment they took care of all that stuff

uuuuuggggggggggg why do i feel like i am totally over my head with this whole independent home owner thing...

i've said it before and i'll say it again ADULTHOOD IS OVERRATED!

another....

2010-07-19T21:24:00.002-04:00

day another mile stone...

today marks a year i have been in this house...

ironically it also marks the house looking pretty "new new" with all white crisp bright new windows!

love them, love the way the house feels coooooooolllll as a fan cat...

and i might add that i am pretty pleased with the fact that i did it all by myself as a big girl...walked around the house checked the work all that...not like i knew what i was looking for but i know what looks right and what doesn't but the workers were GREAT and i only had a few comments...

one of the windows was cracked but the replacement as already been ordered...

just another day in the life of being an adult...definitely overrated...

sweet ni's 30th birthday weekend was the weekend as well, she had a ball!

we partied and we just got back from a great meal

i could dwell on the difference between this time last year and this year, but what would be the point...i am alive, i am good, my family and friends are good...

so life is pretty darn good...

this about sums it up...

2010-07-16T09:32:00.002-04:00

i have been saying for the past ummmm 9 months or so that if you can't love me and accept me at my worse, then you dag on for sure don't deserve me at my best...

Just saw this quote (blkbutterfly keeps a fly quote) and this is ME

"I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control, and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." - Marilyn Monroe

ok so i'm not that selfish but at times i definitely can be...i am just going to be honest...this is me

mini mind dump

2010-07-14T16:48:00.003-04:00

so on the radio this morning as i drove into work to waste $20 on parking because the lady i need to see at the wells fargo won't be there so that means i just drop the document off, so that means i could have rode the metro and then drove over and dropped it off...

*sigh*
i forgot a friend's birthday, her 30th at that was yesterday...
*sigh*

so back to my main point...

on the way into work this morning the radio show main topic was "should there be an expiration date on marriage"

surprisingly a lot of people agreed that there should be...

some sighted that at the very least on that date you should come together and re-group to determine if you are still on the same page and should move forward or not...
others were all for an expiration date is just that its done
NEXT

this is EXACTLY why i told my mother just this past sunday i may never get married and have children

(although if at 35 if it hasn't happened I will adopt why not give a child a loving home...side note: in my mid 20s i asked one of my guy friends that if we weren't won't both married or didn't have kids we should have a child together...his response: someone already asked-CLASSIC. i am glad that was his response because i look back on that now what the HECK was i thinking, don't get me wrong he's a GREAT dude, i hope we are friends until the end, but i didn't need and don't need to be making babies like that...)

back to the point (thanks for hanging in there by the way as i ramble) what's the point in getting married if you are going to go into it with the thought that it can be over if things don't go your way...or that person is at their worse i mean come on its MARRIAGE not a boyfriend/girlfriend thang...you take VOWS before friends and family but most importantly TO GOD

RE COT DAG ON DICULOUS

that people think such ways...

that's why i get super excited and siced when people i know get married or better yet WORK to at their marriages!

people grow and change all the time

my grandparents grew up together and where together from the time my madea was 16 until my grandfather died in 2003...

DUDE that 63 YEARS!

my parents will be together for 40 years this December...now neither of these marriages have been smooth sailing i am SURE OF THAT but they believed in marriage and they worked at it...

my madea told me once "i knew your grandfather all his life and still didn't know him...people change and grow until they die"

if people just got that through their heads we could make marriages work...

even though J Lo isn't probably the best example of marriages given her record, but in her recent "behind the music" she spoke of how Marc Anthony chose to be better to love her how she needed to be loved and she in turn wanted to be better to love him as well...

that's love!

that right there is what its about growing to be better for the person and not yourself...

ok so this post became a post on marriage...didn't intend that especially since i am not married nor have i ever been or even engaged but geesh like my momma n em always tell me i have always been smart enough to grow and learn through others...

oh i got another great 90 day review on my way to that promotion so we shall see what happens still working on improving though but at this point i have NO need or ambition to be "in charge" on the "center of attention" i just want to do my job and go home...

oh and i still love you...sucks for me right

cLASSIC

i knew

2010-07-13T11:58:00.002-04:00

that i was going to have some issues with buying the "family house"

but this is getting rediculous...

how you going to call and ask can you SELL the deep freezer? but you call mommy and not me...

do you NOT understand that when someone buys a house they buy the appliances if its an all inclusive contract...unless they opt to take the stuff with them...they didn't its mines...

what is wrong with people...

then i am told "don't let buying the house go to your head"

again what world do you live in...

that's it, i am OUT of there, period the end...i can't do this...

i am going to stay my required year but i am OUT period the end...i will rent the house out and that will be that...

i can't do this, buying this house is seriously a major regret in my life

i don't even care either way....

2010-07-10T13:43:00.002-04:00

about any of this trade stuff...but this right here is a MUST WATCH

you got me changing my expressions...i don't express!

ARE YOU SERIOUS! CLASSIC!

olu

2010-07-09T18:25:00.003-04:00

.....i am diggin sub soul right now

i haven't been really motivated to blog

there are things running through my head...i am sitting her curled up on the couch listening to the vibes of olu and nothing can really come into my head that's of substance...

the recent verdict in oakland evokes a lot of thoughts and emotions...it makes me want to pick up my Alice Walker or Assata Shakur books or even Sistah Souljah

i have also been listening to love songs lately...i've always listened to love songs though...

"love is life and life is FREE"

people tend to give up on love easily...i definitely know that i have, i'll suffer in silence before i let down all my guard admittedly something that i need to work on....

i was recently told that i should let someone "dust off my cobwebs"

really???

where does that even make since as a woman to have sex with someone just to have sex?

who still does that? i've never done that, but with the obvious as the HIV rate in this area let alone other STDs, what woman knowly sleeps with someone who she knows is not into having a relationship or children...

if that's something that i want to have one day, why would i waste time with someone i know doesn't...

*shrugs*

people don't get it and sometimes i think that they don't want to...plus its different when you're married i think you forget what its like to date or not...maybe not...

on another note i have been watching "the city" today

the owner of People's Republic...I LUV that lady...that's me in 20 years...she is really heartfelt and she really cares about her people but she takes absolutely NOTHING from NO ONE...and she speaks her mind....I really wish more people would be more honest like her...

i really like the whole "urban" professional thing but watching this type of constant always going and going, just watching it makes tired...LOL...

admittedly i am pretty boring and i like it...although i like to do stuff with friends like cookouts, dinners out, a show or two or three or just chill and go for walks...i am not a "scene" person...maybe now and then...but on the regular nah its a little overrated...

but next weekend i'll be on the scene for ni's 30th birthday bash and please believe its going to be CRAZY

i thought i wanted to have a HUGE party or something but i am cool...i'll be cool being cool..

i got my 3rd tattoo on monday..i like its location...its on the inner part of my right upper arm...does that make sense?

its a symbol for wisdom and a sun...i love it!

all of my art is black though i have nothing with color...i want something big on my back to represent my parents but that might be a bit much and i haven't had a "vision" of what i want it to be so until or unless i get that and become passionate about it i won't i mean its a permanent so i has to be something i want to look at for the rest of my life ya dig

i really don't have much to say

life is cool

i'm chillin and that's it

oh why does anyone really care where a self proclaimed King landed anyways...or better yet what would make a grown multi million/billion dollar owner write such a letter...i don't get it...he gave you 7 years to build a team around him to win a championship...clearly he gets that winning a championship is what being in the pros is all about...so why be mad? YES he could have gone about it in a different manner and his approach could have been better for the "fans" but let that man live...

we give professional athletes, etc WAY to much attention and credit...when will we care this much about the teacher of the year or the new activist that is out there doing grass roots to enlighten our people...

maybe not, not so much huh...well at least his "press conference" raised 2.5 milli for the boys and girls club that i dig...the rest of the hype not so much...

that's enough brain dumpin for one day right

peace

500

2010-07-05T11:43:00.007-04:00

this will make the 500th post i have written since i started the blog journey in

June of 2006

4 years ago...

i have grown a LOT and amongst the growth i have experienced the greatest lesson that i have learned is that growth is the one thing that constant in this life and it NEVER stops...sometimes i have repeated already what was thought to be lessons learned. said things, been in situations, relationships and the like, that one would have thought i wouldn't do again, but alas sometimes it takes a lesson to learned a couple of times before its really learned

oh if real life were that easy...

when i hit 100, i wrote out a 100 maybe not so known things about myself...well i won't do that today, but i'll do a montage of things

here are 5 things i don't like about myself:

1. i can be WAY to sensitive at times about things and i tend to wear my heart on my sleeve

2. i am definitely my own worse jude and tormentor i can be extremely hard on myself

3. i give way to many people way to much credit and influence and need to learn to continue to trust myself

4. i tend to give and give and give and not let people give or do for me

5. i can be terribly insecure about not just the physical but everything

here are 5 things i LOVE about myself:

1. i don't conform or fit any ONE particular category of a person, place or thing...

2. i love my heart...i really do care a lot about people and want the best for them

3. that i love with all that i am when i do love no matter what

4. i enjoy myself, just me alone...i really can spend time with myself and be ok...i am a good loner

5. that i enjoy learning not just about history and life but about myself

here are 5 things i am working on about myself:

1. patience...i definitely need to learn patience

2. being organized...i am pretty good at keeping a schedule but organizing paper work and keep my clothes organized is a chore

3. growing more and more fearless

4. being secure in myself and my being, having confidence all the way through, not letting others opinions affect me

5. not taking things so personally...people are just that people, innately flawed, we all are...

its definitely been a ride and i think i am going to continue to keep it going its a good thing when you can look back at yourself and be honest about the good, the bad and the ugly, brush your shoulders off and keep moving forward so that you can have the best possible life and live the best possible life you know how to...

regardless of life's ups and downs, i am definitely in a good place in my life.

i have an inner PEACE and a quite JOY and that's a beautiful feeling

i saw this quote the other day and it just stood out and spoke to me as something to continue to keep by my side (such as courage) credit to blkbutterfly

"I don’t have to be a symbol to anybody; I don’t have to be a first to anybody. I don’t have to be an imitation of a white woman that Hollywood sort of hoped I’d become. I’m me, and I’m like nobody else.” - Lena Horne

this is ME, i am unlike any of my friends or family i am ME and its ok being ME

its really OK

not afraid....

2010-06-30T21:03:00.004-04:00

i have never suffered from that disease called addiction or any mental illness but i know how it feels to feel trapped by your thoughts and feelings and to dread it...

this song is so on POINT....

this one right here encompasses how i am feeling....up beat and ready to take it on...

i am feeling like its time to

break out the cage and let the light beam on me...

i definitely have a confidence and a love that i think is starting to shine through...

these are the makings of you....

2010-06-29T20:12:00.004-04:00

not the monica version (the original) shots out to Mrstdj for reminding me our wonderfully beautiful and soulfULL this original was and IS

loves it...

is it bad that i am playing this right now NOT thinking about a man but about myself...

i think we would all be better off feeling this way about ourselves

people still seem to be totally shocked when they see my new tattoo..what are you going to do when i get #3 probably this weekend since i have nothing better to do...LOL...

Golden and i have a vet appt sat morning but i think i am going to take her to the dog park and allen's pond before hand she needs some doggie social skills...

went to an assembly this past weekend it was good and i learned a lot still searching for my spiritual home though...its coming...its one of my spiritual goals by the end of the year so i shall find one

i had to leave her at the doggie hotel...the accommodations were nice but HER particular place of rest wasn't what i thought it would be it was smaller than i had hoped and looked more like a kennel than a suite...so of course i called on saturday to ensure she was ok...yes she is a dog, but she is MY dog and if i want to ensure that they are caring for her for what i am PAYING for (and her rooming was just as much as mines) than i'll call...i get that not everyone gets it...but when you taking owning a dog seriously and you can feel they unconditional love and joy that they bring you, you develop a bond that's my boo

ummm what else

people need to grow up especially at work...that's all i am going to say about that

like PC said "do you work and mind your business"

that's my motto gotta say that DAILY

i have a major decision to make about Kiamsha that's the other thing on my mind

i am still cutting all my hair off in october just in time to see my parents in november my father probably will NOT speak to me the entire trip i must prepare myself for that...LOL...

they are coming at the end of July and will finally see all that's been done to the house i look forward to that i hope it makes them proud...

windows are coming in next week the ac unit and furnace have their scheduled maintenance appointments for next month as well...

i tell you home ownership is OVERRATED i could easily still be in my apartment (throwing away money and receiving no tax break for sure but still this is for the BIRDS)

my brother is here by the way she keeps going to the basement steps like he's down there i keep having to tell her "he's not down there"

she's smart so she understands...oh by the way we dance around the living room almost every night...CLASSIC

in honor of the man

2010-06-25T22:30:00.004-04:00

Michael Jackson

the King of Pop

The greatest entertainer of ALL TIME

....what better way to express my gratitude to this man than to list out the songs that are some of my absolute FAVS of his...

some of you may agree with it, or not or part of it...but hey these songs either as a solo artist or with his brothers ROCKED

....This Place Hotel...

which i thought was "this is heartbreak hotel..." because that's the line in the song...but CLEARLY its not...that joint cranks

The Lady in My Life

what woman didn't want a or doesn't a woman to feel like Mike felt about the girl in that song

Rock with You

nothing needs to be said about this song

Man in the Mirror

definitely just was a CLASSIC about what was and is still true today we gotta look at ourselves

Show you the way...

"live together underneath the sun..." was talking peace and love back then

Human Nature

the rhythms enough said

P.Y.T.

that was and IS still my theme song...LOL..

Can you feel it...

every color of the world should be loving...can you feel it!

Butterflies

man who knew he had this much soul still...LOVED that song...

Scream

that was a a GREAT song with him and his lil sister

Blame it on the boggie

they JAM in this joint..."don't blame it on the sunshine, don't blame it on the good times, blame it on the boggie"

Got me working...

day and night...LOVES it!

dude people gave this man so much flack about his love life, skin, so much crap because he was different...this dude, had an ear, a gift for writing that ALL these folks copy today...everyone and anyone whose a modern day for real artist, rapper, hip hop, singer, musician whatever...MIKE influenced YOU

this man was speaking about racial harmony and love and had a message that you moved to and didn't even know you were getting a message! he was deeper than most give him credit

someone said it best, knew he was so big he had to whisper to be heard...

WHAT! regardless of what anyone thinks of him or what he did or didn't do that's between him and his judge...

all i want to do is blame it on the MUSIC

no water

2010-06-22T20:45:00.002-04:00

that's what i woke up to this morning

NO RUNNING WATER

so i am like looking for my WSSC bill like i know i didn't miss a payment, thats not me...so what the heck is going on...

i go to the door and i open the door ( IDK why that's the automatic thing that i do when the lights or anything "goes out" in my house but i guess opening the door helps me to "see if anyone else is experiencing what i am")

so i find the bill call the emergency line to find out that there is a water break up the street from my house...

dude i can't go to work having not touched any water...so an impromptu "day off" was what i experienced today...

just me and Golden chillaxin doing nothing...well she did get a bath this evening...she did pretty good...i washed her and her bedding and vacuumed again...i couldn't take it she had an odor and i can't do that...i would wash her daily if i could but its not good for their skin, it would dry it out so once a week is as often as they recommend...she WILL be getting a bath every week...

she doesn't like me going to far from her...she is ok if i go to work but if i am supposed to be home or if i am home she wants me to be near her...

i love my dog...never thought i would love something an animal but i was told that they truly do love back and she does she makes these faces and she has the brightest big brown eyes...

ok enough about my dog...lol...

so we napped on and off all day

watched the latest potter movie and sweet home alabama (one of my favs) and was on the internet and did nothing all over again...oh well other than our daily walks of course...

after the day i had yesterday today was definitely a MUST and i am glad i allowed myself to kinda shut stuff out and just chill

i miss my days of nothingness and i am going to get back to them

no matter what...

2010-06-21T18:34:00.002-04:00

i aint break i aint fold hate me most, ya i know

i wonder if people deal with as much family mess as i do...

you would think with me being the only girl, that things wouldn't be as messy as it is...but these GROWN men are messy! too dag on messy for me

and the thing is i know that...but it still hurts none the less that i can't just be a little sister and they just be proud of all that i have done or accomplished

nope instead i am finding that i have to watch my back with them and just keep my stuff to myself because CLEARLY being strong, intelligent and independent is not the best thing...

i guess if i had 3 kids with 3 different dudes or didn't graduate form college or didn't own my own home or truck or didn't have a career or maybe if i needed them or relied on others more than i would be the "little sister" and they could feel needed...

i don't know...all i know is that its BS!

today wasn't a good day and it looks like its not going to get better...

i am just frustrated and ready to give up on a lot of things

but i promised myself i wouldn't give up on myself and that i would keep fighting and not allow myself to get down and in the dumps again..

and i can't...i really can't...

before i let go.....

2010-06-19T23:14:00.002-04:00

goooooooooooooo....

man that concert was ON POINT!!!!

Frankie and Maze rocked for an hour and a half STRAIGHT!

the crowd was AWESOME

you know its summer time when you see a sea of white linen and black folks and people singing every single word of EVERY single song and people are hand dancing and two stepping...

it was the GREATEST and it was just me, myself and I!

at first i felt like i was i the middle of one of those new KFC sandwiches where the "bread" is actually chicken breast? well that's how i felt crushed in between...LOL...but the seats where like regular folding chairs and were zip tied together...all it takes is for one person to cut that zip tie and pull them seats apart and its ON

so we had a great time...

it was a good night, nice breeze and of course Frankie even at 63 kept the crowd rocking...

his voice is going though, so i am glad this is like my 5th time seeing him...i miss my maze partner (my momma) but it was cool to go somewhere like a concert by myself, meet people and have a BLAST!

came back to the crib to check on Golden and was thinking about hitting U st with the cuzzos but once i came in i realized just how tired i am...

so i am in the crib...

but man was tonight a GREAT night

PSA

2010-06-18T13:58:00.002-04:00

....this is just a friendly reminder to all folks out there that tomorrow

June 19 is JUNETEENTH...

it wasn't until June 19, 1865 when Union Troops reached Texas that it was official that the enslaved were now FREE...even though the Emancipation Proclomation had been signed on Janurary 1, 1863

you can go here and here and here for more information

find some sort of way to keep recognizing this day and spreading the word to others you know and keep the tradition of celebrating this day ALIVE

we are one....

2010-06-15T15:36:00.002-04:00

...no matter what we do, we are one, our love will see us through, we are one, and that's the way it is...WE ARE ONE

one of my other if not tied with "golden time of day" songs by Maze featuring Frankie Beverly

i absolutely LOVE music, especially live music and being that i LOVE seeing this band

so when a co-worker just informed me that they are performing at the national harbor THIS saturday 6/19...i didn't take any time i got online and bought me a ticket!

i haven't seen them in a couple of years and i didn't want to wait to see if people wanted to go or not, i just got tickets for the summer festival with Badu, Common, The roots and Chuck Brown LAST week...so i figured folks wouldn't want to roll if for no other reason than funds

its cool

i want to go so i got my ticket and i am going

solo dolo

(a couple of years ago i would have probably passed it up because i know people wouldn't want to go or waiting around tickets would have been gone, but not today...not this year...i am going for mines!)

and i am going to have a BLAST!